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Spoiled Rotten
by Pat Gates
Carla Wagner, 17, of Coral Gables, Fla., spent the
afternoon drinking the tequila she charged on her American Express Gold Card (as well as smoking marijuana) before speeding
off in her high-performance Audi A4. She was dialing her cell phone when she ran over Helen Marie Witty, a 16-year-old honor
student who was out Rollerblading. Charged with drunken driving and manslaughter, Carla was given a trial date — at
which point her parents asked the judge whether it would be O.K. if Carla went ahead and spent the summer in Paris, as she
usually does.
This is a true story; I read the case report online.
Carla was named the "poster child of spoiled kids" and rightly so. As I read more about Carla I found out that when
she hit Helen she was going 60 mph in a 30 mph zone in order to get home and get cash from her parents so she could go on
a trip out of town. Her friends warned her she was going to get a ticket and with some expletive language she let her friends
know she could less about the police. She was sentenced to six years in prison and was released in 2006 when she was deported
to Panama where her parents live as she is a citizen of Panama and not the U.S.
When Carla was a baby, I'm sure her parents planned a
bright future for her. I'm confident that all the dreams they had for her did not include having an attitude of total
disregard for authorities, as well as getting high on alcohol and marijuana and committing murder. While the parents may not
have contemplated such a future for their daughter, they most certainly set her up for a fall. The evidence is right there
in the story; not only the fact she had expensive toys but in the total disregard of the life of an innocent girl when the
parents asked if Carla could spend the summer in Paris. With that question, I wonder if the judge wished he could throw the
parents in prison as well for being an accessory to the crime.
How did such callousness and disregard for authority
and human life develop in just 17 years? Well, in reality, it wasn't difficult to do. Spoiling comes easy, however, it
comes with a price - not just in later years but in the daily wear and tear on the peace in a household by the constant demands
of the child.
This month I want us to look at spoiling a younger child,
what the outcome will be and how to undo the damage before it's too late. The following lists are a combination
of thoughts from the internet and a few of my thoughts thrown in.
 Crying in the first few months
of a baby's life is his way of communicating his needs. A child's ability to cry and fuss deliberately to get his
way usually begins at about 5 or 6 months of age. This doesn't mean answering their cry is spoiling them, it's just
to say they become aware that crying = mom's attention. Sometimes their cry is saying they just want some love and cuddling
(don't we all) and by no means is that spoiling them. However, as they grow older moms come to understand when babies
can discern what "no no" means and when the baby can wait a bit for attention. This is when disciplining begins.
When I speak of discipline, I mean appropriate, self-controlled, loving discipline at all ages. I also mean all forms of discipline
(instruction), not just spanking. An example of a form of discipline for an older baby, at the appropriate age, may be
just a matter of having him wait a bit before you pick him up (when he's OK) rather then always rushing to him and
giving him everything he wants immediately. Never do I condone harsh discipline in word or action that would be categorized
as abuse or neglect.
Why Some Parents Don't Discipline
 • They can't bear to see their child sad.
• Can't bear to have their child mad at them.
• The child is just too cute.
• The child is the youngest and is spoiled because it is the last child they
will have or the parents grow more lenient over time.
• The girl gets spoiled instead of the boy because she's
more "delicate" or "cuter" or whatever.
•
Working parents overcompensate because of their absence or not wanting to use what little time they have with their child
in a negative way, they make allowances for bad behavior.
• Divorced parents competing with spouse for child's
affection or some perverted sense of vengeance on the spouse.
•
The parent just doesn't want to hear crying.
• Afraid if they punish they will get so angry they will lose
control.
• Believes the child will never change and punishment is useless.
• Worries what others will
think of them.
• Laziness, as it takes time and energy to
follow through with punishment.
• Excusing the child as
innocent.
• Believes the misbehaving is their own fault so why punish the child.
• Feels sorry for the
child.
• Ignorance.
• They don't want their child deprived of things they were unable to have at that age and/or the
parent is living through the child by planning her/his life with what the parent wished they had owned or had done.
• Believes the child is showing his individualism and doesn't
want to inhibit that.
• They read child-rearing books where
it said the best thing to do in the long run is just to talk to the child and explain why it is wrong what they
are doing.
• Or they read where the parent should always
be positive and not talk about why it was wrong what the child did, but rather put it in a positive light as, "This
is the better way of doing it..." In other words, never say "no."
• Parents want to befriend
their child. They mistakenly believe that by attempting to relate to kids at a childhood level, they are better informed
about the child’s activities. In giving the message that the child is somehow equal to the parent,
they believe the child will trust the parent more in years to come and will always share their problems and lifestyle to them,
thus preventing secrets and inappropriate activities.
Other reasons a parent may spoil their child when
they confuse the extra care and need a child may have with overindulgence that is harmful:
•
Child with chronic illness or disability.
• Child in grief over a lost loved one or in a divorce situation.
•
Child who is bullied.
• Step-child.
• Also, the parent may be ill and the lack of energy = lack of punishment.
Description of a Spoiled Child
A spoiled child is undisciplined, manipulative,
and unpleasant to be with much of the time. He behaves in many of the following ways by the time he is 2 or 3 years old:
- Doesn't follow rules or cooperate with
suggestions.
- Doesn't respond to "no,"
"stop," or other commands.
- Repeats the bad behavior after
the parent tells him no.
- Protests everything.
- Doesn't know the difference between his
needs and his wishes.
- Insists on having his
own way.
- Makes unfair or excessive demands
on others.
- Doesn't respect other people's
rights.
- Tries to control people.
- May hit another child.
- May
hurt animals.
- Has a low tolerance for frustration.
- Frequently whines or throws tantrums.
- Constantly complains about being bored.
1. Rather than telling the child he has done something wrong,
always use terms like "inappropriate" or "unacceptable." Never teach the difference between right
and wrong by using these more understandable words such as good, bad, yes and no.
2. Pick up after your child
---- dishes, toys, books, clothes ---- since it's easier than asking her to do it. Do you make her bed because she
doesn't do a good enough job? Good, your on your way of spoiling her.
3. When your child expresses an interest
in a toy or sport, quickly fulfill his desire to attain it or participate in it whether it creates a burden on you or not.
Always put your child's wants and interest before your own.
4. Give your child fast foods and snacks
whenever she wants them. This will quiet her and allow her to make her own choices as an adult.
5. When your son
makes a crude remark, uses profanity or makes fun of others ignore them or just give them a quick "that's inappropriate."
6. Put up your breakable items so your child can't reach them and require others to do so when you visit their
home; after all your child is just curious, they can't help it when they touch things.
7. Give an allowance
whether or not they earned it and make it so generous that your child has no incentive to earn or save money. They
are only little kids and it makes them feel big to have money to spend.
8. Don't give your
child a good understanding of ethics, morals and spirituality that will stifle her creativity and warp her spontaneity.
9. When your son is reprimanded (by a teacher, activity leader, neighbor or law enforcement officer), immediately
assume they are picking on your child. Your sweet child would never do the things they have accused him of. Always defend
your child so they know they can always count on you to get them out of problems. 
10. When you and your spouse disagree with how to discipline, argue about this in front of the child and always
make sure she knows you thought your spouse was too harsh.
11. Permit your son to engage in every fad so he can
be "one of the crowd." Make sure you buy him what the other kids have so he won't feel different.
12.
Allow your child to watch inappropriate TV shows or movies because you don't want them to look weird in front of their
friends because they are allowed to watch these shows. Besides, they can learn about real life from T.V.
13. Your
opinion should be "kids must be kids" and dishonesty, cheating, plagiarism, minor shoplifting and graffiti
are an inevitable part of "growing up."
14. Give in to whining, crying, temper tantrums, and pouting. You
never want to hear, "I hate you," because you told your child "no."
15. Allow your child
to miss worship service or Bible class because of sports, a party, a weekend trip with friends, etc., after all, you don't
want them to turn against God because they were deprived.
16. It doesn't matter how much you and your child
yell at each other at home or in public as long as you eventually give in to his desires. Yelling is normal in families.
17. If your child purposely hurts a dog or cat and derives pleasure from it, don't be too hard on them. It's
just an animal and when your child grows up he/she will get over it.
18. Allow your child to jump on other people's
furniture when you are visiting, and always allow them to run throughout the person's house and touch their belongings.
This way you and your host can carry on a conversation without being interrupted by your child.
19. Allow your
child to make noises during worship services (talking, drawing or coloring where others can hear them, continually getting
up and down on the bench, and any other distracting noise). You want them to enjoy being there and not stifled and discouraged.
20. Don't worry when your child makes fun of others and says mean and cruel things to them; they are
just children and they don't really mean what they say. Besides the other kid may deserve it.
21. Allow your
child to manipulate you. Know that when he/she knows what, when, and how to get his/her way by wearing
you out, embarrassing you, making you feel guilty, or by acting cute and sweet (knowing you can't resist), realize how
creative they are and encourage their creativity by giving in to them.
22. If your child does not obey you and
repeats what you just told him not to do, it's best to ignore it or you'll have a big fight on your hand and that
takes too much time and energy to deal with. Just make sure you pretend like you don't see him doing the "no
no" a second time.
24. Allow your child to answer you back or hit you, she needs to learn to express herself.
25. If your child constantly seeks your attention and demands it right away, make sure you give it to him.
You don't want him to learn impatience if he has to wait on you. You need to make sure he knows he's the center of
not only your world, but of the entire universe.
26. If your child doesn't want to share a toy or candy or
whatever, she shouldn't have to. It should be her choice, otherwise you're just making her share and she'll
never learn to do it on her own.
27. If your child is bossy with everyone and insist on having his way,
congratulations, you are raising a leader.
28. If your child is impatient and often bored then you must not be
doing enough for her. Spend more time and money on her as she is, evidently, very intelligent and needs material things to
stimulate her.
29. Allow your child to be the one in charge of you. If you don't they'll embarrass
you in front of others and may throw a tantrum.
30. Continually tell your child how smart and wonderful they are,
even when they haven't done anything productive. Self-esteem is the most important characteristic you can give them in
this life and they need to know no matter what they do or don't do, they are the most special person on this planet.
31. Fix all their problems for them. Don't let them worry and fret or feel bad for any wrong they've
done. Be sure to straighten out their difficult situation yourself so they don't have to feel guilt, sadness, or responsibility.
32. Don't give chores as they have enough to do with school work as well as the extra curricular activities they
have such as piano lessons, sports, friends etc.
33. Make your child the center of your world. Every activity,
thought, and extra finances are planned around them and be sure they know they are the center of your world.
34. Always put your child before your spouse, not to mention yourself.
35. Reward negative behavior and
give gifts at inappropriate times. For instance, if you are in a store and the child is misbehaving buy them something to
keep them busy -- toy or candy.
36. Another way of spoiling out in pubic is to continually threaten and yell at
your child when they are misbehaving but never carry out the punishment you are threatening them with.
37. Never
teach your child about God and God's commandments (and His displeasure when we disobey); learning right
from wrong will come later in life and we don't want our child to think God is "mean."
39. Ignore
their positive behavior and never praise them for this.
40. Last, but not least, act spoiled rotten in front of
them. Complain when you don't get your way, bully your spouse, do lots of shopping for yourself, and always be the example
of a spoiled brat.
Relationships and the Spoiled Child
Relationships will suffer when your child is spoiled:
• Children do not want to play with a child who doesn't share, who has to have his own way,
and may hurt the other child if he doesn't get his way.
• Adults don't want to be around a spoiled child,
nor do they think they are cute. No woman wants a child to come into their home and help themselves to their house and use
and abuse anything in the house.
• Adults may sometimes refuse to invite the parents to their home because the
children are so abusive to their home, their pets, or their own children. Not only does the spoiled child miss out on social
functions but so do their parents.
• Spoiled children may not get the help they need from teachers or other
instructors because it's too tiring to deal with them and their demands.
• A spoiled child who is preferred
over their siblings won't be able to have a close relationship with their brothers and sisters due to jealousy and anger.
• The spoiled child may even be feared by the family pet because of the abuse the child gives.
How Not to Spoil Your Child
from the Book of Proverbs
I have not included all the verses from Proverbs
as I will include more of God's teachings in the next issue. We will be talking about spoiling teenagers and adult children
and will add more Proverbs as well as an entire chapter in the New Testament that is a great lesson on How Not to Spoil
Your Child. Can you guess which chapter?
He who spares his rod hates
his son,
But he who loves him disciplines him promptly.
Proverbs 13:23
1. Discipline promptly.
The word "hates" (śânê' ) means to hate personally, such as with an enemy. Isn't this
too strong? After all we would never hate our child or have the feelings toward him that he is our enemy. This is when we
need to think spiritually, Godlike. God wants all His creation saved. He has given us direction
to "save ourselves" (Acts 2:40) in the blood of His Son and to teach our children so they may be saved. How do you
think He looks at us as parents, as spiritual teachers, when we ignore His command and not discipline our (His) child? He
wants that child saved and He knows discipline is what is going to help direct the child's soul to Him. We refuse. Our
Lord sees this as hating our child in that we don't care for his spiritual being; we don't care if he is saved or
not.
Or course we care! Do we care, really, when we allow our child to misbehave and not teach them the right
way...God's way? God tells us how to care for our soul by disciplining ourselves. Do we care more for ourselves than we
do our children?
We are to discipline promptly (early). Discipline when it is most effective. If not, we will
forget about it or not want to deal with it later. Younger children need to connect the discipline with the misbehavior and
understand they can't get away with it. Don't put off the discipline unless it is for a short time due to the
situation. I remember when I acted up during worship service my mother would tell me I would get a spanking
when I got home. Sure enough, she remembered as soon as we arrived home. As much as I wished she would forget, she never did.
It worked. Even though there was a huge discipline problem with the teenagers in the church I grew up in, I behaved myself.
My mother taught me, by discipline, God's house was a place of worship and respect.
Chasten your son while there is hope,
And do not set your heart on his destruction.
Proverbs 19:18
2. Don't plan your child's
destruction, discipline while there is still hope.
Chasten thy son while there is
hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying. (KJV) While this is good advice not to allow his crying to stop you from
chastening your son, the original Hebrew says: Chastise thy son, for there is hope, And to put him to death lift not up
thy soul. (Young's Literal Translation) Chasten thy son, seeing there is hope; and set not thy heart on his destruction.
(American Standard)
Discipline while there is still hope. Does that mean there may
come a day when discipline will no longer work? Where there will be no hope for your child?
To be blunt, if you
refuse to discipline, you are setting your heart on the physical and spiritual destruction of your child. No, there's
no excuse. That's how it is. Think with spiritual, God-like eyes, not man's eyes, who only sees the physical that
is right in front of his face.
Foolishness is bound up in
the heart of a child;
The rod of correction will drive it far from him.
Proverbs 22:15
3. Discipline replaces foolishness with wisdom.
A child left to himself
will make foolish decisions. A young child will express his emotion of anger by hitting another child. If left to himself, hitting
will become a normal response. However, the "rod of correction" will teach him that is not the appropriate
expression of anger and, with instruction, the child will gain the wisdom of self-control and learn the correct response
to the situation. A child does not automatically know right from wrong. He needs to be taught unselfishness, kindness,
obedience, and godliness. Discipline will drive foolishness far away from the child. And what will be replaced in the child's
heart? Wisdom, knowledge, obedience, humbleness, truth, righteousness, all the spiritual and emotional tools to not only live
a good life on earth, but through all eternity.
The rod and rebuke give wisdom,
But a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
Proverbs 29:15
Correct
your son, and he will give you rest;
Yes, he will give delight to your soul.
Proverbs 29:17
4. Want to be embarrassed and
ashamed of your child? Don't discipline.
Want to have peace and take delight in your child? Discipline.
I often see frustrated parents in continual battle with their young children. Sometimes I see embarrassment,
but more often I witness a worn out soul who seems to have given up and doesn't seem to care how much yelling they do
or how much crying and bossing the child does. It is a pitiful site for a parent to be so bullied by a toddler that there
is actual fear or to the opposite extreme, apathy in the mother's eyes. If fear or apathy is absent, then what
remains is this sad, worn expression of "where did I go wrong?"
On the other hand, now and then
I experience a family with young children who are a joy to be around. Sure, the little boys are running around being little
boys, but they are controlled and they don't overstep the boundries they are taught. When they do, the parent is
right there lovingly bringing them back in line in whatever type of discipline is required
at the time. It is a beautiful environment of peace; the children bringing joy to their parents and the parents
gaining the respect from their children.
How do I prevent my child
from becoming spoiled?
(This material is from
C.S. Mott's Children's hospital in
Michigan and it is excellent advice.)
Provide
age-appropriate limits and rules for your child. Parents have the right and the responsibility to take charge and make rules. Adults must keep their child's environment
safe. Age-appropriate discipline must begin by the age of crawling. Hearing "no" occasionally is good for children.
Children need external controls until they develop self-control and self-discipline. Your child will still love you if you
say "no" to him. If your kids like you all the time, you're not being a good parent. Require cooperation with important rules.
Your child must respond properly to your directions long
before he starts school. Important rules include staying in the car seat, not hitting other children, being ready to leave
on time in the morning, going to bed on time, and so forth. These adult decisions are not open to negotiation. Do not give
your child a choice when there is none. Give your child a chance to
decide about such things as which cereal to eat, which book to read, which toys to take into the tub, and which clothes to
wear. Make sure your child understands the difference between areas in which he has choices and areas in which he does not.
Try to limit your important rules to no more than 10 or 12, and be willing to take a firm stand about these rules. Also, be
sure all of your child's adult caretakers enforce your rules consistently. - Expect your child to cry.
Distinguish between your child's needs and wishes. Needs include relief from pain, hunger, and fear. In these
cases, respond to crying immediately. Other crying is harmless and usually relates to your child's wishes. Crying is a
normal response to change or frustration. When crying is part of a tantrum, ignore it. There are times when you will have
to withhold attention and comforting temporarily to help your child learn something that is important (for example, that he
can't pull on your hair or earrings). Don't punish your child for crying, call him a cry-baby, or tell him he shouldn't
cry. Avoid denying him his feelings, but don't be moved by his crying. Respond to the extra crying your child does when you are tightening up on the rules by providing extra cuddling and
enjoyable activities when he is not crying or having a tantrum. - Do not allow tantrums to work.
Children throw temper tantrums to get your attention, to wear you down, to get you to change your mind, and to get
their own way. Crying is used to change your "no" to a "yes." Tantrums may include whining, complaining,
crying, breath-holding, pounding the floor, shouting, or slamming a door. As long as your child stays in one place and is
not too disruptive or in a position to harm himself, you can safely ignore him during a tantrum. By all means, don't give
in to tantrums. - Don't
overlook discipline during quality time.
If
you are a working parent, you will want to spend part of your free time each day with your child. This time needs to be enjoyable,
but also reality-based. Don't ease up on the rules. If your child misbehaves, remind him of the limits. Even during fun
activities, you need to enforce the rules. - Don't try to negotiate with young children.
Don't give away your power as a parent. When your child reaches the age of 2 or 3 years, have rules, but don't
talk too much about them. Toddlers don't play by the rules. Young children mainly understand action, not words. By age
4 or 5, your child will begin to respond to reason about discipline issues, but he still lacks the judgment necessary to make
the rules. During the elementary school years, show a willingness to discuss the rules. By age 14 to 16, an adolescent can
be negotiated with as an adult. You can ask for his input about what limits and consequences are fair (that is, rules become
joint decisions). The more democratic a parent
is during a child's first 2 or 3 years, the more demanding the child tends to become. In general, young children don't
know what to do with power. Left to their own devices, they usually spoil themselves. If they are testing everything at age
3, it is abnormal and needs help. If you have given away your power, take it back (that is, set new limits and enforce them).
You don't have to give a reason for every rule. Sometimes it is just because "that's the rule." - Teach your child to cope with boredom.
Your job is to provide toys, books, and art
supplies. Your child's job is to use them. Assuming you talk and play with your child several hours a day, you do not
need to be his constant playmate. Nor do you need to always provide him with an outside friend. When you're busy, expect your child to amuse himself. Even 1-year-olds can
keep themselves occupied for 15 minutes at a time. By age 3, most children can entertain themselves about half of the time.
Sending your child off to "find something to do" is doing him a favor. Much good creative play, thinking, and daydreaming
come from coping with boredom. If you can't seem to resign as social director, consider enrolling your child in a play
group or preschool. - Teach
your child to wait.
Waiting helps children
learn to deal with frustration. All adult work carries some degree of frustration. Delaying immediate gratification is something
your child must learn gradually, and it takes practice. Don't feel guilty if you have to make your child wait a few minutes
now and then (for example, when you are talking with others in person or on the telephone). Waiting doesn't hurt a child
as long as it isn't excessive. His perseverance and emotional fitness will be improved. - Don't rescue your child from normal life challenges.
Changes such as moving and starting school
are normal life stressors. These are opportunities for learning and problem solving. Always be available and supportive, but
don't help your child with situations he can handle by himself. Overall, make your child's life as realistic as he
can tolerate for his age, rather than going out of your way to make it as pleasant as possible. His coping skills and self-confidence
will benefit. - Don't
overpraise your child.
Children need praise,
but it can be overdone. Praise your child for good behavior and following the rules. Encourage him to try new things and work
on difficult tasks, but teach him to do things for his own reasons too. Self-confidence and a sense of accomplishment come
from doing and completing things that he is proud of. Praising your child while he is in the process of doing something may
cause him to stop at each step, expecting more praise. Giving your child constant attention can make him praise-dependent
and demanding. Avoid the tendency (especially common with the first-born) to overpraise your child's normal development.
- Teach your child
to respect the rights of adults.
A child's
needs for love, food, clothing, safety, and security obviously come first. However, your needs are important too. Your child's
wishes (for example, for play or an extra bedtime story) should come after your needs are met and as time allows. This is
especially important for working parents where family time is limited. Both the quality and quantity of time you spend with your child are important. Quality time is time that is enjoyable,
interactive, and focused on your child. Children need some quality time with their parents every day. But spending every free
moment of your evenings and weekends with your child is not good for your child or for you. You need a balance to preserve
your mental health. Scheduled nights out with your spouse or friends will not only nurture your adult relationships, but also
help you to return to parenting with more to give. Your child needs to learn to accept separations from his parents. If he
isn't taught to respect your rights, he may not learn to respect the rights of other adults.
http://www.med.umich.edu
University of Michigan Health
System
C.S. Mott Children's Hospital
"Instead
of placing disciplinary band-aids on society’s gaping wounds, America should pay closer attention to the kinds of citizens
they are releasing into the world."
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