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Unfaithful Child/Spouse

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DRUG ABUSE

PLEASE, DON'T IGNORE THIS PAGE!

Don't sit back satisfied that your kids don't abuse drugs so this page isn't for you. It's for EVERYONE: parents, grandparents, sisters, aunts, and all Christian women. Someone you know will be involved in drugs or have a family memeber involved.  Be prepared

Be Prepared!

* Think
* Keep your eyes open.
* Don't be naive.
* You are the authority, not your child.


Prepare Yourself for Your Child's Sake
Pat Gates

My heart goes out to any family who has a child involved with drugs. It happens not only in families where discipline and love is lacking, but it also happens in faithful Christian homes where the children were raised in truth, discipline and love. The temptation of drugs may be peer pressure, an act of independence (going about that in the wrong way of course) or just plain curiosity with full intention of just trying it once.

Parents, in general, are often ignorant of drug use in their child, but Christian parents may be more so because they take for granted their child knows better and would never be involved in the drug scene. Do your child a favor and don't blind yourself to the temptation he/she faces daily - peer pressure. Be prepared and be on guard against this terrible enemy -- drug abuse.

(Grandma's, this is for you as well - especially those of you who have a lot of contact with your grandchildren.)

Tips to help prevent and to help stop drug abuse in your children:

It's not fair to your child for you to be naive. Just because you are raising your child in a godly home doesn't mean your child can't be tempted. Too many Christian parents have the idea their child knows the truth about drugs and they don't need to worry about them, therefore the parents are not warning their children about drugs. Don't wait until their teenage years, teach them as soon as they are old enough to understand drug abuse as there are elementary kids doing drugs and "huffing." Your young child may not associate taking a whiff of a chemical or taking one tiny little pill with drug abuse and therefore they may believe it's harmless and not a sin.  Don't take for granted your child understands what drug abuse is. Don't be naive and believe your child won't be tempted; peer pressure is a tool Satan uses against good children who otherwise have no interest in doing drugs.

Educate yourself on drugs, drug paraphernalia, and the signs of drug abuse.  Teenagers believe their parents, in general, aren't too smart about the ways of the world, and that creates confidence that their parents would never recognize they are abusing drugs. Educate yourself and let your children know you aren't going to be ignorant. Create some good, healthy fear in them.

On the other hand, after your education, don't be so paranoid that with every mood swing you think your child is on drugs and you accuse him/her of such, after all they are teenagers. Just try your best to keep your eyes open with wisdom and patience. It isn't easy; mistakes will probably be made as there isn't a parent alive that hasn't made a mistake or two. Just try your best, in wisdom and patience.

Remember, the "drug scene" is all around them. It is not just in a club or dark alley, it's the school, the mall, and maybe even at the best friend's house that you've known since he was a baby. When I was young one of my cousins got hooked on drugs at a friend's house who lived next door to him. My uncle and aunt were good, faithful Christians,  but they were ignorant of the fact that the drug scene, in their son's case, was right next door.

Teach your child not only the dangers of drug abuse, but that it is a sin. Don't take for granted your child knows the danger and they will refuse them on that reasoning alone. "Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child." Your child also needs to understand drug abuse is a sin before God.

Raise your child in truth and love. Be consistent in your meeting with the saints on the Lord's day, Wednesday nights, etc. Associate with Christians. Have home Bible studies with your child. Listen to them and give them respect; help build their confidence to say "no" to temptation. Hug them and always make sure they know you love them and that they are important to you.

Warn your child that you will not put up with drug use. Make sure they understand a stiff punishment will follow drug abuse, even if it is their first time... especially if it's the first time. Be consistent in all areas of their life, or they will know this is just more empty talk. Fear is a good deterrent. Be patient and loving when you talk to them, but be firm and unyielding when it comes to the danger and the sin of drug use. And be sure the punishment is such that they will be afraid to use drugs again. I'm not talking a severe beating or anything that maybe going overboard, but they must know the seriousness of what they have done. This is true with alcohol and smoking, as well. Smoking is terribly addicting and very difficult to stop. In fact, I know an ex-drug user who is also an ex-smoker, who said it was easier for him to stop the drugs than to stop the smoking.

Be loving, but tough. Be tough, but loving. Have your eyes open in regards to your child's friends, their behavior, and what you may find in the house or what is missing. Kids are smart and they can play their parents, especially when they think their parent is naive on the ways of the world. And don't think your child can't lie or deceive (in their mind not telling all the truth is OK, it's not really a lie.) If your child is involved in drugs already, then they are involved in lying. Drug users are expert liars and that means your child as well. You need to dismiss the notion that you have always been able to tell when your child was lying - this is no longer true when they are on drugs. It's not that the drug itself gives them the power to deceive, but lying becomes such a habit with drug use that their conscience becomes seared; this enables them to lie without blinking an eye.

Check on them and don't allow too much freedom because they are "so mature" and "trustworthy" that  you don't need to know what they are doing in their spare time. Little Johnny who your son  grew up in the neighborhood with and was such a sweet little boy may now be on drugs and is after your son to try it. You may not recognize drug use in Johnny and he will talk to you like he always has, sweet and innocent. Set boundaries with your child and make sure your rules are followed. You do not need, nor should you, trust him/her 100%. Do you trust yourself 100% to always do the right thing or do you understand you can be tempted with whatever your weakness is? Don't apologize to your child when she says to you in that accusing voice, "You don't trust me?!" With confidence say, "No, I don't trust anyone, including myself, 100%. That's exactly why God tells us to be watchful and to examine ourselves. I don't trust us because I don't trust Satan."

No, you did not give your child his own room so that it can be a monastery where no one may enter and he can set his own rules. In fact, you did not GIVE your child his room at all... it is your's, he is just staying in it. He is suppose to live in it according to YOUR rules. Come on, don't be naive and fall for that, "You invaded my privacy" bit. If you have reason to believe he is going against your rules, by all means, invade. You may save his life.

Your child's room is your property that you are legally responsible for. As long as your child, whether a minor or an adult, is living on your property they have no privacy rights when it comes to drugs. If the child is an adult, they either adhere to your rules, or they leave.

In conclusion: Be fair, be patient, be loving, be nice, be respectful, but be the parent your children needs; be the parent who is firm, knowledgeable, consistent, the authority, and the disciplinarian. Your child needs to be able to tell their friend, "My mom will 'kill me', if I do that." Yes, it would be great for all our children to say, "No, I won't do drugs because it is a sin against God and I don't want to displease Him." Perhaps some of you have a child like this, but many do not and to save face with their friends, it is always easier to blame their hesitance on their parents and how "uncool" they are and the consequences if they ever found out. They need to understand that, indeed, there will be bad consequences and to have that good healthy fear in them.

Your child needs to be afraid of the drugs themselves and with education and warning, from a young age, this knowledge can help your child to resist. Don't depend on the schools to teach them - this is your responsibility. Teach them self-confidence to say "no" to drugs. Don't ignore the world of drugs as if it didn't exist; remember, the temptation is around them almost every day of their lives.

Your child also needs to KNOW they are loved by you and that you respect them. Be available to them when they want to share their joys as well as their sorrows. And, most of all, be sure they KNOW they are loved by God and can go to Him for strength and guidance.

The battle against drugs can be won if you as a parent prepare armour for yourself and your child - always being vigilant and watchful for this dangerous enemy.

 


Keep your eyes open. Kids on drugs are dumb. They do stupid things and they forget. They can leave drug paraphernalia out in the open or left in their pockets. They also believe every parent is stupid so don't be caught being naive. Learn what the parphernalia looks like -- "store-bought" as well as homemade. Kids on drugs will say dumb things and if you listen carefully, you will hear clues of their drug use. Kids on drugs will do dumb things, mostly because they become so apathetic about living a normal, decent life, you will see clues in their daily activity.

 

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Know that drug users are excellent liars. Yes, I'm talking about all drug users - even your child that is abusing drugs. I'm not saying this to be cruel - I'm saying it so you won't be ignorant. Your child does not need you to trust him/her 100% - he/she needs a parent who is aware. If your child has recently quit doing drugs, now is not the time to let down your guard and believe every word. They do not need you to trust them at this point - they need you to be suspicious and to be aware. Let them know you are still watching them, not because you don't believe they can't overcome, but because the temptation is going to be put in front of them by Satan and you want to be a help and strength to them as they go through the healing process. If they get angry at you for not believing every word they say, ask them if they fully trust themselves at this point, or are they having to be extra watchful and careful.  If they say they do trust themselves 100%, they may think they are telling the truth, but in reality, for a while they are living on the precipice of the drug world.

 



ARCHIVES

2006

  • Parable of the Lost Son (Part 1)
  • Parable of the Lost Son (Part 2)
  • Parable of the Lost Son (Part 3) by P. Gates
  • Who's the Boss?
  • Stronger Tomorrow 
  • Should We Tell Others About Our Child's Unfaithfulness? 

2007

  • Expect More Out of Your Kids
  • I Was Sentenced to Death in the Electric Chair
  • The young mother set her foot on the path of life....
  • The Mother of the Prodigal Son (poem)
  • Why Do "Good" People Do "Bad" Things?
  • Parents and the Prodigal
  • A Plea for Help (a letter from a reader)
  • Your Parents Can't Make You Go to Heaven!
  • Should I Make My Child Attend Worship and Bible Study?

2008

  • New Drug Dealers...Your Medicine Cabinet
  • My Child Was Lost, Now is Found
  • An Encouraging Note
  • Husband not what he appears to be
  • Should church discipline be pursued by the wife of the "hypocritical husband"?


SOME MORE ADVICE
FOR PARENTS:

Get Educated
First, learn as much as you can. Use the internet, it is full of information.

Have The Talk — Let Them Know You Know
The next thing you can do is sit down and talk with your child. Be sure to have the conversation when you are all calm and have plenty of time. This isn’t an easy task—your feelings may range from anger to guilt that you have “failed” because your kid is using drugs. This isn’t true—by staying involved you can help his/her stop using and make choices that will make a positive difference in his/her life.

Be Specific About Your Concerns
Tell your child what you see and how you feel about it. Be specific about the things you have observed that cause concern. Make it known if you found drug paraphernalia (or empty bottles or cans). Explain exactly how his/her behavior or appearance (bloodshot eyes, different clothing) has changed and why that worries you. Tell his/her that drug and alcohol use is dangerous and it’s your job to keep his/her away from things that put his/her in danger.

Don’t Make Excuses
Although it’s natural for parents to make excuses for their child, you’re not helping him/her if you make excuses when he/she misses school or family functions when you suspect something else is at play. Take the next step: Talk to your child and get more information.

Try to Remain Calm and Connect With Him/Her
Have this discussion without getting mad or accusing your child of being stupid or bad or an embarrassment to the family. Be firm but loving with your tone and try not to get hooked into an argument. Knowing that kids are naturally private about their lives, try to find out what’s going on in your child’s life. Try not to make the discussion an inquisition; simply try to connect with your teen and find out why he/she may be making bad choices. Find out if friends or others offered your child drugs at a party or school. Did he/she try it just out of curiosity, or did he/she use marijuana or alcohol for some other reason? That alone will be a signal to your child that you care and that you are going to be the parent exercising your

  • You LOVE him/her, and you are worried that he/she might be using drugs or alcohol;
  • You KNOW that drugs may seem like the thing to do, but doing drugs can have serious consequences;
  • It makes you FEEL worried and concerned about him/her when he/she does drugs;
  • You are there to LISTEN to him/her;
  • You WANT him/her to be a part of the solution;
  • You tell him/her what you WILL do to help him/her.
  • Know that you will have this discussion many, many times. Talking to your kid about drugs and alcohol is not a one-time event
  • www.theantidrug.com

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     Drug Paraphernalia

    • Spoons - they will be discoloured and have a burnt look if they have been used for this purpose. This may be used for burning heroin.
    • Safety pins they will also be discoloured and have a burnt look. Safety pins can be used for burning cannabis
    • Tin foil this may have holes in and have a burnt appearance.
    • Crisp packets this will be used when inhaling solvents such as glue.
    • Pipes May be used for smoking cannabis
    • Plastic bottles with the bottom cut off this may be used for smoking cannabis, its called a ‘bong’
    • Mirror, razor/credit card and straw/rolled paper note- this may be used for cocaine.
    • Needles and syringes used for injecting intravenous drugs such Heroin.
    • Empty pen casings, straws, rolled up dollar bill
    • Cut lines on hand held mirrors.
    • Clear plastic bags - all sizes, all designs. Some tiny zip lock type of bags.
    • Scales may indicate drug dealing is going on.
    • Soda cans with hole punched in middle of it.
    • Disposable cigarette lighters from which part of the metal assembly has fallen off indicate that the lighter was lit for a long period of time, consistent with what happens when a crack cocaine smoker uses a lighter as a heat source.
    • Rolling papers
    • Room deodorizers, incense
    • Bent paper clips, tweezers
    • Glossy, non-porous magazine paper
    • Household products that are out of place - inhalants, including computer dust-off, cooking sprays, canned whipped cream, any propellants, correction fluid, disinfectants, markers, furniture polish and wax, oven cleaners, air fresheners, hair spray, nail polish remover, spray deorderants, butane, gasoline, glues and adhesives, paint, paint thinners.

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    ADVICE FROM PAT:

    Remember, when a kid is backed into a corner, he may have discovered that the best defense is an offense.


    • Don't
    allow him to turn the conversation around to where you become the defendant.
    • Don't allow him to try and make you fell guilty.
    • Don't allow his threats of leaving home and/or not loving you make you back down.
    • Don't be so naive as to believe everything your child tells you.
    • Don't see the little, sweet, innocent child you had just a couple of years ago, see the child in front of you clearly.

     

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    Drug terms: http://www.whitehousedrugpolicy.gov/streetterms/

    Next month we'll talk about signs to look for in a child who is abusing drugs. In the meantime, do your own research.



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    having an unfaithful child/husband."

    WHAT WE WISH EVERYONE KNEW ABOUT HAVING AN UNFAITHFUL CHILD/SPOUSE

    •  I too know the feeling of unfaithful children.  It hurts but they were raised the same, one is a terrific person and the other is mad at the world and always in trouble.  Have hopes for the terrific person, cause she knows the truth.  Even when she married her husband who had been married before, she said "Yes, Mom he has a scriptural divorce," before I could even ask her the question myself. She knows the truth but still will not attend any church that she chooses.
    •  Don't think it can't happen to you. It can. I used to think the same thing when I was younger. I train my child right, my child is a Christian, no, my child will never fall away. Then she did. The hurt that is felt is worse than anything else. It's worse than a death.
    • We cast all our care upon Him who careth for you.
    • "After we've done everything we can do in training, nurturing, correcting, warning, being the best example we know how . . . and our child is still being willfully disobedient to God, we have to realize, in the end it is a matter between our child and God. We must learn to let go and leave the outcome in God's hands. We can't always protect our children from sin and its consequences, much as we desperately want to. Turn the problem over to God and pray, pray, pray!"
    • "I understand how mothers sometimes begin to wonder if they might be responsible in some way for how their child turned out.  I do know better, but have found myself trying to look back and figure out what I could or should have done differently.   We did the best we knew how to do with our children.  One died unfaithful, and the other has fluctuated back and forth over the years, and is currently unfaithful, and totally uninterested in the Lord's church, or the consequence of sin.  Yes, I wish we had done some things differently - but raising children is an on-the-job training assignment.  And what works for child #1 may not work for child #2.   And it does no good to dwell on what has passed, because it cannot be changed now.

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