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Being
A Friend Indeed When You're The One In Need
By Cindy Granke
Rather than an exposition of Hebrews 10:25, this
is but a few brief thoughts about a Christian, a faithful saint. It is not about what “forsake not the assembling of
yourselves together” means, or what day the Hebrew writer had in mind that his readers might see approaching, but about
a disciple who wouldn’t be absent any time the brethren came together, if he had the ability to be there. And it’s
about the quiet encouragement a faithful Christian can be to others. Some members make excuses, and some make up accommodating
interpretations of Scriptures, but brother Fred Gosnell makes an example which those of us who want to go to heaven would
do well to mark. Brethren, be followers together of me, and mark them which walk so as ye have us for an ensample. Philippians
3:17 Thirty-one
years ago, Fred and Dot Gosnell obeyed the Gospel, here in Sumter, South Carolina. After three years, the United States Air
Force sent them to Germany, where they lived, between 1979-82. While there, they taught the Gospel and established a faithful
congregation of the Lord’s church, before returning to Sumter, where they have been faithful members of the Woodland
church of Christ, ever since. Their faithfulness and teaching of others has been an encouragement to Christians in Germany,
here, and other places. Since
May of 1996, Dot has struggled with cancer, diabetes, and finally kidney failure. Around noon, on Wednesday, March 28th, She
finally went to be with the Lord. Fred and their daughter Melissa were both by her side when she took her last breath. Would you believe that Fred was at
Wednesday Bible study, that same night? I think he had a strong need to be with all of us, that evening. After the initial
hugs and tears, he did amazingly well, too. When we arrived and I hugged him, he actually asked ME if I was okay. Our earlier
conversations during that day had been pretty emotional. His voice got quivery a few times, but we continued with our study
of Joshua, and he participated in the discussion and reading of passages of Scripture. His being there and being his usual
self, as much as he could, helped the rest of us get through the service much more calmly than we would have, otherwise. That
is a simple illustration of Fred's commitment to God. It seems that
we needed to be around him at that time, too. I realize that not everyone is physically or emotionally able to do what Fred
did that night, within hours after the death of a loved one. But the man has an amazing resource of inner strength. While
devoting himself to being Dot’s fulltime caregiver, over the past year, or so, he has lost a good bit of weight, and
his clothes are slightly loose on him. He is physically and emotionally exhausted, but spiritually, his confidence in God’s
promises is clearly what is sustaining him. A couple of years ago, Dot
bought a little Shitz-zu dog. At the time, I thought it was going to be primarily her little ball of fluff. Fred says that
when they brought Sashi home, Dot said the puppy was for him, because she knew he would need her after Dot was gone. And he
and Sashi have become very close companions. In recent weeks, while Dot has been sleeping more and more, during the day, Fred
and Sashi have walked around their large back yard, and Fred has spent much of that time talking to God. The last week before
Dot’s death, he said he kept singing, All The Way, My Savior Leads Me. He knew the Lord was with him as he watched Dot
in the last stages of her sojourn here. I assumed he sang it silently, in his heart. It’s hard to imagine one being
emotionally able to actually sing aloud, in the midst of the anguish of those last days. But you know, even as I wrote that last sentence, I remembered sitting by my daddy's
bedside the night before he died, singing, God Will Take Care of You. My sister had to leave to take Momma home, and get her
fed and in bed, so I stayed for two or three hours, until she came back to get me. Funny, but I just realized that I was able
to sing the words, softly and without crying, that night. A couple of days earlier, I had tried to read to Daddy from the
Psalms, but I couldn't do it. Hmmmm.
Isn't it interesting – and calming – how the Lord provides strength when we need it most?
 Grief and it's Energy Drain It is surprising to me that much bereavement literature omits mention of the huge energy
drain which comes with grief. If you are newly bereaved and have yet to realize that nearly all of your energy is required
just to deal with these many emotions you are confronting, then let me assure you that this is the case. Don’t expect
yourself to complete projects within the same time frame as you were once able to, nor expect yourself to be able to dazzle
customers or clients with pizzazz or gust. It simply takes too much energy
just to dress in the morning, to make the simple decision to eat, to stifle tears in public, to keep your anger from inappropriately
erupting. There is very little energy for anything else. Every thing will take longer than you think, including grief recovery.
You will, however, gradually rediscover yourself and build a new life. Your life will be a rich and full one where the memories
of your child will no longer produce pain. In fact, those memories will enrich your life. And that’s the truth! Meanwhile, conserve your energy when and where you can, and allow yourself time to grieve.
Those people who deny their grief simply delay the process. The quicker way to recovery is straight through the grief, not
around it. By: Shirley Ottman
Bereaved
Mother ~ Denton, TX
www.bereavedparentsusa.org
When the clouds
are lifted, and the shadows flee,
My dear sweet mother will at last be free.
Once again, she will call me by name,
Though nothing will ever again be the same.
No, not the same, but much better by far,
She will be whole, body,
mind, and heart.
She'll look at me and know I'm her son,
We'll both rejoice at what God has done.
When the clouds are lifted, and the shadows flee,
We'll see God was there for my wife, and for me.
God gave
us the strength to do what was right,
To care for my mother through this terrible night.
"I would not tell
you as to what lay ahead,
"I wanted to see you trust me instead."
Though I often failed, His mercy is
great,
This didn't just happen by chance or by fate.
Someday I will see this was part of His plan,
And
He held us safe in the palm of His hand.
One day all His beauty and glory I'll see,
When the clouds are lifted,
and the shadows flee. © 2001, Jerry Ham Used by permission
http://www.zarcrom.com:80/users/alzheimers/poetry/jer/jerry.html
If Tomorrow Doesn't Come
by Cindy Granke
Some of our readers are probably familiar with the death of 43 year old Susan
Colvin this past month. She was the wife of Kevin Colvin, mother of Christine, Kevy, and Katie, and she had waged a valiant
battle with cancer for several months. I’ve never met the Colvin family, but like many of you who participate in prayer
request groups, I’ve felt close to them through prayer and through our relationship in the Lord’s body. I wept
for her family when I learned that on Saturday, January 23, her battle was over – and as Kevin said, “She won!”
But I rejoiced for Susan because she was released from her pain ravaged body and went to her Savior where there is no more
pain, and no more tears.
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes;
and there shall be
no more death,
neither sorrow, nor crying,
neither shall there be any more pain. . .
~ Revelation 21:4
Like me, many of you have watched loved ones struggle through the long dying process. We know it is difficult,
at best, to say goodbye. Yet we realize the blessing of having time to share words of love and memories with them. We also
appreciate the time spent with them as they speak to us of love, leaving, and their hopes and wishes for their children or
other family members.
Like me, some of you have also known the shock of losing a loved one suddenly and unexpectedly.
We know how important our last conversations were with that person. And it is that communication with our family and loved
ones that I want to impress upon you this month. When my daughter was killed in an automobile accident, I was so thankful
that we had spoken on the phone the night before she died. We had laughed and enjoyed each other’s news. And as our
calls and emails always did, that call ended with both of us saying, “I love you.” Her husband told us that when
he left for work that morning that she and their child were standing at the door, waving goodbye to him, as they always did.
Some of the saddest conversations I have experienced are those with a parent, child, wife, or husband whose last words
to their loved one were spoken in anger or impatience. All of us realize the likelihood of such conversations in the daily
stresses of life. If you think it’s hard to forgive others sometimes, wait until you have to try to forgive yourself
after such comments. Grief is painful enough as it is, but where there are harsh words spoken, or loving words left unspoken,
the anguish of loss is multiplied. This month I’m devoting this page to reminding you, pleading with you to hold
your loved one close before you leave each other in the mornings, and before you go to sleep at night. I urge you to never
say, “Goodbye,” at the door, or over the phone, or in a letter to your loved one, without telling them that you
love them. If you seldom, or never say, “I love you,” shame on you. Some of us may have grown up without
hearing those three words spoken out loud in our homes. Therefore we may neglect to say them to our spouses or our children.
I know two sisters who grew up that way. They both made up their minds that their husbands and their children would never
go through a day without being told they were loved. No, just saying the words are not enough. Your loved ones should know
by your attitude and your actions that you truly do love them. But the words are important. As children, how many of
us learned the retort, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”? Unfortunately, the
truth is that words can cause profound and lasting hurt. Likewise, unsaid words can also be a source of lasting disappointment
and sadness. (See the paragraph below about Elizabeth Barrett Browning). In this time of hectic schedules, with families
going off in all directions during the day – it is even more important that we do not waste any opportunity to say those
words to each other. Consider the thousands who said goodbye on the morning of September 11, 2001, before going off to work
or to catch planes. They did not know that that would be their last words to their loved ones. I imagine that all of us know
people who have had a similar experience, though maybe not on such a large scale as 9/11. A husband leaves for work, a child
leaves for school or a football game, never suspecting that would be the last time they would see each other in this life.
An accident, a heart attack or stroke prevented them from saying, “I’m sorry,” or “Please forgive
me,” or “I love you, Honey.”
If you knew that morning at the door, or that quick telephone conversation
you are having with your husband, your child, or your parent would be the last words you would ever be able to say to them,
what would you tell them? “I told you to hang up your clothes before you left the house this morning!” “You
forgot to…..” “Why can’t you quit nagging me?” If it’s the last words you
get to say to them, wouldn’t it have been worth it to tell them you love them? Let’s all express our love to those
near and dear to our hearts. – OFTEN
A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.
Proverbs 25:11
Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)
~ Elizabeth wrote some of the best loved sonnets which are famous
the world over ~
How do
I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My
soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal
Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most
quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for
Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I
love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's
faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With
my lost saints, I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my
life! and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
A childhood accident
caused poet Elizabeth Barrett to lead a life of semi-invalidism. A fall from a horse caused damage to her spine.
She married poet and playwright, Robert Browning in 1846. There’s more to the story. In her youth, Elizabeth had been watched over by her tyrannical father. When she
and Robert were married, their wedding was held in secret because of her father’s disapproval. After the wedding the
Brownings sailed for Italy, where they lived for the rest of their lives. But even though her father had disowned her,
Elizabeth never gave up on the relationship. Her letters,
written with tears to entreat his pardon, were never answered. Among them was one she had written, in the prospect of
danger, before the birth of her child.
After
ten years, she received a large box in the mail. Inside, Elizabeth found all of her letters; not one had been opened! Today
those letters are among the most beautiful in classical English literature. Imagine what her father missed because of his
stubbornness. He never knew his grandson. Imagine Elizabeth's sadness for those ten years.
How she must have longed to share her love and her child with her father. Had he only read a few of them, his
relationship with Elizabeth might have been restored.
This is something to think about when we decide
to disown our child because he/she chooses the wrong path, or lifestyle. If we refuse any communication with
the child, how can we hope to influence or restore our relationship? Like Elizabeth's father, how will we know if our
son or daughter changes or wants to reconcile? cg
Do not merely look out for your own personal interests,
but also for the interests of others
Philippians 2:4
Supporting Our Children
Living Through Grief
by Joanne Beckley
Every day there are traumatic events that involve our children and losses they experience.
The intensity of their losses vary according to events and the ages of our children. Helping them to face and recover, living
through their grief, should be the concern of every parent. Loved ones die and so do pets. Relocation to a new home can be
very challenging and a loss of identity during their adolescent years may have to be faced. Friendships change, and perhaps
they will experience the loss of romantic relationships. Dreams may die when our teenagers realize they may not become the
actor or athlete they hoped to be. Children and teens also have to face illnesses and disabilities. Parents may be separated,
divorced, or in prison. Children sometimes have to face being placed in foster care or be sent away to different institutions.
Our children are not strangers to loss and grief.
The burning questions is – how can we help our children? How can we prepare and support children and teenagers
as they cope with loss?
Love is not enough:
My husband
and I learned that love is simply not enough. Love needs to be educated! It is to the Bible we should go to find the way to
the heart of God and to one another. In the Old Testament, we read of God's presence and comfort as we "walk through
the valley of the shadow of death" (Psalm 23:4). We learn in the Word of God how we can be strengthened both through
our own grief and while we offer support to our grieving children. We read of the “man of sorrows, acquainted with grief”
~ surely our griefs. He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried" (Isaiah 53:3). It is Jesus Christ who changed
the meaning of grieving – He gave us hope (John 11:25-26). We must convey this hope to our children. For Christians death and pain in
this world is not the reason for existence.
Life can hand out painful surprises and we parents may hand our children
a few of them ourselves. For example, when our children were young, we uprooted them from their homes,
their grandparents, and their friends – and brought them to Africa to live. The years went by and they had to face the reverse process of losses
and adaptation when they returned to the United
States to attend college. Each son faced his grieving
process differently, and more or less painfully – and they needed certain and various ways of support from their parents
and other loving adults – who were not adequately prepared.
When our second son
was studying for his matriculation exams in order to qualify for a university pass, his best friend committed suicide by gassing
himself. The note he left behind stated he couldn't cope with the intense expectations of others. Our son had to
carry his friend's casket at the funeral, and then returned home to grieve – and His parents were not prepared.
These two examples are given to emphasize how our children need their parents to be aware
that grief is also a part of their lives. Sometimes we parents like to think of childhood as "the kingdom where nobody
dies" (Robert Kastenbaum, 1972). We continually seek ways to protect our children from being exposed to dying, death,
loss and grief – but we can't. We don't have this power. The truth of the matter is, if we continue our futile
attempts, we actually create children who grow up to be weak adults.
We
can help our children and teens if we recognize that they do grieve and we need to support them as they mourn. Yet there may
be limits to our ability to support them. We may ourselves be faced with coping with loss, which limits our own energy and
ability to help. It is at these times that other Christians, supportive adults, can assist the family as they cope with loss.
Yes, there will be those who lack sensitivity and empathy, and might discourage us and our children from reaching for support.
Instead of pushing away their sincere attempts, we need to encourage one another to greater effort in how to comfort one another. e can help our children and teens if we recognize that they do grieve and we need to support them
as they mourn. Yet there may be limits to our ability to support them. We may ourselves be faced with coping with loss, which
limits our own energy and ability to help. It is at these times that other Christians, supportive adults, can assist the family
as they cope with loss. Yes, there will be those who lack sensitivity and empathy, and might discourage us and our children
from reaching for support. Instead of pushing away their sincere attempts, we need to encourage one another to greater effort
in how to comfort one another.
Children grieve:
Changes and losses which children experience, especially the death of a loved one or the fallout from divorce, creates
confusion, vulnerability, and terror in the mind and hearts of our children. These two events mark a child's entry into
the realm of calamity and grief. Adult protection has failed. The grown-ups can't even protect themselves. The reality
has shattered the make-believe world of childhood.
Yet children are resourceful
in their attempts to understand the mysteries of loss, absence, and death. If we watch our children's efforts to understand
death we are given the opportunity to witness creativity and courage that will enhance our own spirits. Remember, young children
often have a "short feeling span." They are unable to sustain strong feelings for long periods of time. Mood shifts
are frequent. They look at any loss through a very personal lens and they are unable to empathize with another's grief.
Down through time our children have played games that involve death and separation, just as they also play and mimic
other experiences in their lives. The games change but death continues to have its place. A child may be seen to suffocate
and bury her doll, yet with a low-key conversation it might be discovered that the child has heard something on TV about a
person suffocating, and the burial of the doll to prove that the dead can return if one knows the right things to say and
do. A boy plays a noisy game of repeatedly crashing toy cars into each other and when asked why, he says shyly, "Nobody
gets killed bad." The more we understand how our children understand traumatic events, the more prepared we are to provide
guidance and comfort.
Divorce
is a different set of circumstances, yet it carries a deeper pain for children and the pain can last a lifetime. It is almost
like a living death to see the one whom they continue to love turning his or her back away from them. Children often react
with anger directed toward one or both of the parents, guilt over the part they worry they played in the divorce, feelings
of rejection, and sometimes fear of being left alone or forsaken. They will often act out their insecurities with misbehavior.
The misbehavior becomes an unconscious testing to see if there really are limits and some lines of stability.
Older children will feel responsible for the separation/divorce/death. Now
and again they will insist that it was all their fault, therefore feeling they don't have the right to enjoy happiness.
Some have suicidal thoughts and impulses, saying they deserved to die, mulling over and over the nasty things they had thought,
felt, or said that could have caused the separation or death. They have a heightened sense that something bad is going to
happen to them at any time, perhaps a slight illness might prove fatal, becoming fearful of hospitals. If the remaining parent
must be absent for a short time, the anxiety of separation might become extreme. Parents will also notice the presence of
sleep disturbances and outbursts of anger.
Teenagers grieve:
Teenagers'
expressions of grief are similar to those of children, although influenced by their additional life experiences, better communication
skills, and personal situations of previous "betrayals" in their lives. Yet, the way they express their grief is
still different from adults. They have not learned and perfected the inhibitions our society has placed on us as adults. Our
teenagers will also try to pick up the reins that have been dropped by the absent parent. While some new responsibilities
may be unavoidable, all too often we parents unnecessarily add to the pressures on bereaved children by telling them, "Now
you are the big man of the family," or, "You need to be strong for your father."
Teens,
like young children, will limit their exposure to grief or only permit themselves small "doses" of that experience
before turning back to something more pleasurable or a safer arena.
Suggestions:
Parents must maintain our family limits, rules and fences that provide
our children stability. We need to reassure them and place no blame on them. They will need to be reminded even years later
after the fact.
Evasive answers to their questions heighten
our children's fears. In the absence of accurate knowledge (both of this world and God's dealings toward His creation)
they will create their own "facts" which have no basis, and will surprise us with their reasoning. They may even
seek a fantasy world where the good guys always win, unwilling to accept the real world that contains such terrible emotional
pain.
It is important to
remember that the expression of grief in children and adolescents is inevitably influenced over time by new challenges that
may prompt renewed grief and new ways of expressing it. Coping with grief seeks to manage a stressful situation. It involves
efforts to find ways to live with grief in one's life. When such coping is successful and produces good fruit, it means
our children can go on with healthy living and loving.
Our children will make
a great effort to maintain a connection of some type to one who died or the parent who has left. Life does not return to "normal"
but they try very hard to bring their lives back to "normal." Instead, we as parents and loved ones need to help
our children develop "new normals" in their lives. Building stronger character takes effort and pain and we must
not cheat our children of this blessing. Let us help our children to understand they are not alone, that others have faced
and successfully managed similar challenges.
Helping our children to grieve and
mourn is only a part of the entire picture of good parenting. Learning to listen without judgement when our children express
their feelings and thoughts, from babyhood onward, will stand us in good stead when the time comes and we seek to understand
our grieving children, encouraging them to talk to us.
Remember, sometimes silence and just "being
there" is all our children can manage. C.S. Lewis wrote: "There is sort of invisible blanket between the world
and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I
want others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to
me."
A brief summary:
We will be better able to understand and help our children and teenagers better if we:
Live
godly lives. Accept that our children do grieve and that it can be a difficult
and long-term process of healing. Pray together,
and for one another. Seek Bible passages that provide strength and confidence. Pay close attention to how our children experience grief by
how they react to their loss. Seek advice from good literature that supports your understanding of parenting.
Give
our children the facts they seek concerning death and divorce. Be a receptive, careful listener. Make your whole
body present and attentive. Concerning divorce, be honest. Don't put your spouse down in front of
your children. Help them keep the good memories of your past marriage alive. Be aware of emotional responses at special times: birthday, Christmas, etc.
Remain
open to the many lessons that children and teenagers have to teach all of us about bereavement, grief, and mourning.
Be watchful for unhealthy grieving: increasing conviction that they are no longer valuable
as a person – threats of self-destruction – antisocial behavior – excessive hostility, moodiness, or guilt
–stoic refusal to show emotion or to appear affected by the loss.
A
good friend gave this wise suggestion to loving parents, that in summation it is: "Wordless love. I think that is the
answer. Our children need to know without any words at all that we love them. Knowing this, there is a ‘wall of support'
that is there, not to be spoken about, because it does not NEED to be spoken. By ‘bracing themselves against and with
that wall, they gain and use the strength of their own faith and being to go to new heights and places that by our love we
have always wished and wanted them to go. It is a matter of long years of constant care, which constitute a proof and evidence
of such a love."
Sources:
Christian counseling – Jay Adams
Good Grief – Granger Westberg
Living With Grief – Kenneth Doka
I am honored that Joanne Beckley
chose to share the following letter, which was written to her friends and loved ones after her mother died in 1996. She
sent it to me as an explanation to go with the verse which is further down on this page. Her letter is
so poignant that I chose to include it along with the paper she found near her mother’s chair as she and her father
were going through her mother’s things. I think you will find it touching and may be able to identify
with some of her emotions. Cindy
...................
Dear loved ones
Its now a month since Mother died and a week
since I returned home. Your cards and calls have eased my heart, and your spoken words have helped us understand my need to
write the following. I thank you. Truly. For caring. For showing me you care. For reaching out with perhaps a little fear
of not knowing what to do or say. It was good.
On April 4th, I received word that Mother's
heart catheterization was not going well and they were preparing her for a by-pass operation. Within an half-hour I was out
of the house and on the road. Two hours later David received word that she didn't survive the effort and tried to reach
me via the Highway Patrol. They didn't find me, but two huge rigs must have for they blew their horns at me. I briefly
wondered why they couldn't leave me alone...and so I missed returning to pick up my family.
David told me when I phoned him that night from a motel. I decided to continue on, rather than wait all day for him to arrive.
But, unknown to both of us, I hit a late snow storm near Abilene which halted my travel. After following in the "footsteps"
of a big semi for five miles I started sliding and promptly chickened out. I turned off the interstate into what I soon learned
was the last motel available before the road was completely blocked (Whew!). When I arrived in Lubbock the next day around
noon, David met me with a "where have you been?" and it was then that I learned he had been driving all night, watching
to see if my car had been one of the many he had seen in the ditches along the way. I regret being the cause of additional
worry and concern. If only I had thought to phone the family, never dreaming they would be traveling straight through. Of
course, several days later I retraced that same route and there was no snow -- just wreckers working over ditched cars and
trucks.
David delivered a really lovely eulogy and I'm sorry it was not taped. Brother
Fritz' short talk made mention of proof of Mother's efforts in mothering as he counted four gospel preachers in our
two rows. I was glad everyone stayed behind so we could talk with them a while before leaving. The Raifs' loaned their
van for my father, brother and I to drive the next day with Mother's body back to Tennessee for burial in a country cemetery
near her aunt, grandparents, etc. It was a blessing to visit with relatives who came out to the graveside having read her
obituary in the local papers. I had never met most of them -- or even knew of their existence! We had a lovely time hugging
and talking. Daddy and I were able to attend Bible class the evening before and several Christians also arrived and honored
us with their personal care. I enjoy recalling this and the many other instances of being held throughout this past month.
We returned to Lubbock and my father and I began sharing Mother's life as I went through her things. Her interests were
many and varied and she seemed to have enjoyed stashing sayings, poems, letters, cards, etc in the most unusual, unexpected
places. So we were constantly getting "caught" yet again. Through our laughter and tears we truly felt her love
of life, family and God as we went from box to drawer to closet. Truly life holds many surprising blessings amidst pain.
Near Mother's chair was a paper Mother had kept with the following words which must have helped her, and now helps my
father and I. Perhaps it will prove timely for you also.
...................
For Today Only
There
are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One
of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed
forever beyond our control.
All the money in the world cannot bring
back yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.
The other day we should not worry about
is tomorrow with its possible adversaries, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is beyond our immediate
control. Tomorrow's sun will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
This
leaves only one day -- today. Any man can fight the battles of just one day.
It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities -- yesterday
and tomorrow -- that we break down.
It is not the experience of today that drives men mad -- it is remorse or bitterness for something
which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore, live but one day at a time. ~Author
Unknown
...................
The following letter was written in 1996,
but the words I had written still calm my longing today for the special love only a mother has for children. I am nearing
60 years old now and I can’t help but wonder what kind of legacy I will leave with my own children and grandchildren.
Will my love for them give them strength in return, just as my mother did for me? Will my puny attempts to please God bring
them courage and confidence to ever strive toward the same goal. . . My prayers for them continue. My prayers continue for
each one of you reading this letter. Joanne
LOVINGLY SABOTAGED
Joanne Beckley
Mother
died four years ago this month, and then yesterday – "She’s done it again!” – I was sabotaged
by my own mother.
Many years ago my mother chose to give up her chance for a college degree and a career in
order to be a wife to her “preacher-man” and a good mother for her one, two, three, four! children. Only after
I was grown, and began a family of my own did I begin to understand the truly fine mind she had and the joy she gained in
using it to create a smooth-running home. Yet she battled (and what a battle!) bipolar depression (manic-depression) her entire
life.
Mother enjoyed poetry and "sayings." She collected them with a passion, sharing them with us as we grew up,
and even after we left home, married, and began rearing our own families. After my husband and I chose to spread the gospel
in South Africa, she would even send her sayings through the mail, or tucked in between a toy and a blouse in each parcel
she posted.
Mother died on April 4th while I fought to reach her through a freak blizzard. I stayed on after the funeral to help
our father, who had suffered a stroke four months before, still unable to speak much, and was often disoriented. He
and I went through Mother's sewing do-dads, filing cabinets, bookcases, and boxes and more boxes of magazines and fabric.
All the while, even as we faced her hope chest, wardrobes and keepsake boxes – well, she kept sabotaging us. Just as
we would get our tears under control, yet another comic strip, or "saying," or verse of scripture would turn up
between items we were handling. It was as if she had deliberately, carefully, enclosed each paper for us to discover after
her death. What a week! What a gift! Crying and laughing and talking together, she truly eased our hearts.
She gave us the ability to share our pain with each other.
Yesterday, while preparing to sit down and sew, I pulled out the contents
of a baby pattern I still have of Mother’s – and the following "saying" fluttered out and down onto
the table. All thoughts of sewing went by the way, and I sat down to type up this description of my mother. And now, through
my tears of love for a dear mother, I copy the following:
"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort,
of feeling safe
with a person;
having neither to weigh thoughts
nor measure words, but to pour them all out just as they are,
chaff and grain together, knowing
that a faithful hand
will take and sift them,
keep what is worth keeping, and then,
with the breath of kindness,
blow the rest away." George Eliot
That “saying” shook me
with the weight of its words. It caused me to remember back during the last few months of Mother's life how paranoia had
set in, and she was fearful of many things. She and I would sit together while she trusted me to hold her tight. During those
times she spoke of her embattled years, desperate to find acceptance in God, never knowing whether it was the mental disease
that stole her confidence or whether it was her own soul living each thought and action throughout her life. As I held her,
Mother spoke of her hope of heaven and of her deep grief that she could never forget the pain she had caused her family. While
we talked, I was able to reassure her that our loving forgiveness would provide faulty memories, and she began to gather hope
around her like a comforting blanket. Calm acceptance and quiet joy were rediscovered.
Throughout Mother’s life, that
same joy in living, evidenced in her love of “sayings,” would peek out now and again, and it would contain such
a wealth of love for her husband and for each of her children. The love she and my father shared may have wavered when she
was in deep depression, but to my knowledge her quiet support for his work as an evangelist never faltered. There were indeed
rough days – I know – but love erases them, and hope shines through. Those last days with Mother were precious
days for Mother and I. I treasure them now. Is she gone? No, she lives in my heart for she gave me confidence that I too can
put away sinful thoughts and lift up my head.
“If iniquity is
in your hand, put it far way ... then you could lift up your head...you would be steadfast and not fear ... you would forget
your trouble as waters that have passed by ... and your life would be brighter than noonday; Darkness would be like the morning.
Then you would trust, because there is hope and you would look around and rest securely” (Job 11:14-18)
Our Hope July/Aug. 2007
FACING
LOSS HEAD ON By Cindy Granke When we think of grief, we usually think of death, but, in fact, any
loss which drastically alters one’s life necessarily involves the process of grief, until the victim and his family
can accept and deal with their loss. For example, cancer or an injury may involve losing a body part, or may seriously handicap
its victim. At the onset of a chronic illness like Rheumatoid Arthritis, or Multiple Sclerosis, there is even a certain amount
of grief one is likely to feel. Losing the ability to do the things one has enjoyed doing all of his life often causes intense
disappointment. Christians feel genuine grief when a spouse or teenage or adult child turns away from the Lord, rejects the
spiritual and moral values he has been taught, perhaps leaving home to pursue a life of sin. You see, physical death and dying
are not the only losses we mourn. What many
of us may not realize is, that grief, as painful as it may be, is actually a healing process, and nearly everyone goes through
the same emotional stages whenever he experiences a major loss. The amount of time spent in each reaction may vary, but once
we understand what these stages are, we can readily recognize them in the lives of others, or in ourselves. According to Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, there are five stages of grief: (1) Denial and Isolation: At first we cannot believe this horrible
thing is really happening to us, and we may feel alone in our misery, thinking, “No one could possibly understand how
I feel.” (2) Anger: This emotion
may be directed at the person who we perceive inflicted the hurt, even if that person is dead. We may be angry with ourselves
for not being able to control or prevent the loss, even if nothing could have been done to avoid it. And sometimes we feel
unreasonable anger toward strangers who may simply say, “Have a nice day,” or “How are you, today?”
Our anger may even be directed against God. We may not blame Him for causing our loss, per se, but it is not unusual for faithful
Christians to question why He permitted something to happen. Do you remember that Job questioned why God allowed Satan to
test him so sorely, and even our Lord, in His agony asked God, “Why hast Thou forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46). (3) Bargaining: When we no longer can deny what is happening,
we try to bargain with God. “I will do this, if you will only let me walk again,” or “…only let her
live.” (4) Depression: Once
we realize there are no other alternatives, depression is sure to follow. Yes, even Christians suffer depression. Some brethren
regard it to be a sin, and there may be circumstances when that is the case. However, we would do well not to be too quick
in judging others who face the kind of losses we are talking about, until we have “walked a mile in their shoes.”
They need our compassion (1 Peter 3:8), not our criticism. (5)
Acceptance: When the anger and sadness taper off, we realize there is nothing left, but to accept
the loss. ~ When Death Comes Slowly and is Expected
~ When all possible treatments to reverse or
prevent an impending loss have been exhausted, the family must reconcile themselves to the inevitable. We are not so surprised
when terminal illnesses strike the very aged, but sometimes the stricken loved one may be a spouse, a sibling, or a child.
Consider the mother of young children who must wrestle with her fear of whatever pain and unpleasant treatment will be associated
with her illness. She must also cope with anxiety for her family. How will her children grow up without their mother? How
will her husband manage caring for them alone? Besides that, there is the sorrow she knows they will surely suffer when she
is gone. The same concerns afflict her husband
and children. They dread the suffering which they expect she will have to endure, and are also anxious as they face the future
without her. What of her parents, who face
the death of their child, and grieve for their grandchildren and their surviving son-in-law? It is a dreadful time for them
all. Their mourning will probably be spread out over a period of time before death actually occurs, and will likely be an
emotional roller coaster ride. At the same time, they will try to be strong and brave for the other family members. They need
the love and support of friends and family. They need prayers for their courage, strength, and wisdom in the unpleasant decisions
that will have to be made. The family will
surely need help with day to day necessities, like preparing meals, doing laundry, housekeeping, babysitting, and numerous
other chores. And they will need our gentle encouragement and hugs. Send cards or notes of encouragement to the family members,
as well as the one who is sick is helpful. May I offer a word of caution about cards we may send to the one who is terminally
ill? Read them carefully and avoid those which clearly are meant for someone who will get well. Such messages would probably
not be very comforting to a person who obviously knows he/she will not be getting well. There are many cards available which
express friendly and helpful sentiments. We need to choose our greeting cards with care. As death from Alzheimer’s Disease drew near, my Daddy’s kidney’s had shut down, and he no
longer could swallow. Watching him suffer was difficult for us all. Once, when a family member tried to give him water with
a spoon, he choked. His words were mostly just frantic sounds, and he spoke loudly, trying to compensate for his difficulty
in communicating. I wanted so badly to console him, so I raised his head a little to give him some relief, kissed his forehead,
and murmured, “It’s okay, Daddy. It’s okay.” Between gasps, he stammered out, “No, it’s
not okay, either!” I had said the wrong thing, and I felt as hurt as he did. After he was calmer, I slipped out in the
hall, and cried. I chose my words very carefully, after that. Daddy died within the week. He became more, and more distant,
but when we were with him, we talked to him and sang hymns to him. I wondered if he knew he was dying, and if he was afraid.
He seemed at peace in those last hours we were with him. I like to think that hearing our voices soothed him. Sometimes those who have not struggled with the prospect of death thoughtlessly
are critical of others who express their fear of death. They may tell them that a child of God has nothing to fear from death,
if his soul is right with God. In a way, they are right – most faithful Christians do not fear death, but nearly everyone
fears dying. As human beings, we fear the unknown, and the passage between life and death is a foreign land to us, and as
such, is frightening even to most Christians. David used the ominous expression, “the valley of the shadow of death”
(Psalms. 23:4). Even the Son of God asked if it were possible for that cup to be taken away (Matthew. 26:39-44), acknowledging
that the spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak. And so it is. With that in mind, let us show compassion for the fears and feelings of others, even if we think that we ourselves
would not have such feelings.
OUR HOPE SEPTEMBER 2006
If Tomorrow Never Comes
If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
And pray the Lord, your soul to keep.
If
I knew it would be the last time
That I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
And call you back for one more.
If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
So I could play them back day after day.
If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute or two
To stop and say "I love you,"
Instead of assuming you would know I do.
If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
So I can let just this one slip away.
For
surely there's always tomorrow
To make up for an oversight,
And we always get a second chance
To make everything right.
There will always be another day
To say our "I
love you's",
And certainly there's another chance
To say our
"Anything I can do's?"
But just in case I might be wrong,
And today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
And I hope we never forget,
Tomorrow is not promised
to anyone,
Young or old
alike,
And today may be
the last chance
You get
to hold your loved one tight.
So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
Why not do it today?
For
if tomorrow never comes,
You'll surely regret
the day,
That you didn't take that extra time
Or a smile, a hug, or a kiss
And you were too busy to
grant someone,
What turned
out to be their one last wish.
So hold your loved ones close today.
Whisper in their ear.
Tell them how much you love them
And that you'll always hold them dear,
Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank
you" or "It's okay".
And if tomorrow never comes,
You'll have no regrets about today.
Poem by Norma Burnett
But
let everyone be quick to hear,
slow to speak and slow to anger,
for the anger of man does not achieve
the righteousness of God.
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