Unfaithful Child/Spouse Archives 2009

.   I Saw a Child by Leo Rogol (1969) What I saw was not what one reads about children in story books and poems:  It was not the beauty of childish innocence; the simple trusting faith in something big, wide and wonderful; a child roaming the fields with his beloved dog, searching out the marvelous mysteries and wonders of nature. Though I thank my Lord that I can still see these, I am saddened by what I see more and more each day.  But these children I am telling about, I actually saw myself. I saw a girl, about the age of eleven, leaving home dressed as if she were training in the art of prostitution.  Cheap, vulgar and sexy standards were permitted by her mother and father.  Her clothing was a shame to the very name of "Modesty." Yes, I see hundreds of such going to school, to parties and elsewhere, destroying the God-given beauty of childhood by the cheap and vulgar attire and make-up.  I saw an older girl who was the victim of her parents' permissive up-bringing, who was forever ruined by the vicious act of rape, a shattered mind and body through drug addiction, and many other abuses. I saw a boy, about fourteen, chased by the police because he stole several cartons of cigarettes from a neighborhood grocery.  I saw him after he was caught and checked over -- defiant, foul-mouthed, with only ugly contempt for the law officers who apprehended him.  I also saw a boy, about nine, with a switch-blade knife and boasting of his skill in its use. I saw so many young boys and girls living in a lewd manner in a "hippie colony" like a pack of wild animals, stripped of pride and decency, honor and integrity. I saw a child, of those professing to be Christians roaming the streets while their parents were on the way to services of the church.  If these children are not taught to obey God and parental authority which demands they should be brought up "in the nurture and admonition of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4), then there is not much authority for which they are taught to show respect.  If these children are not taught to show respect for God's authority, which is the highest of all, how can they be expected to respect civil authority (Romans 13:1), or even parental authority (Ephesians 6:1)? This is not the end of all the tragedy that I saw among these children.  This but the beginning.  The suffering and remorse -- the lives ruined cannot all be told on this page. But then I saw a mother, who feared for the lack of respect for law and order in our society.  I saw a father, who complained that our government failed to take corrective measure to curb violence, rioting, looting, bloodshed that has swept as a devouring fire across the nation.  Yes, I saw parents who were responsible for allowing their children to develop into law-breakers, allowing them to show disrespect for law and order, allowing their children (even encouraging them) to engage in sinful, immoral acts, then blaming our government for their own failures at home!  I see and hear church members complaining about church problems, yet allowing their children to develop into undesirable church members.  What better kind of church do we expect than that made up of people corrupted by the pollutions of the world? What I saw can be multiplied by the thousands: What I saw has been seen by thousands of others.  When these sad cases are multiplied by so many thousands, is it any wonder that the whole nation become influenced?  the basic unit of our society is the home.  Destroy moral and spiritual standards in the home and this evil reflects in the whole society. Multiply this type of home environment by the thousands and you have the answer to all the lawlessness and unrest in our nation.  No government OF THE PEOPLE can accomplish any more FOR THE PEOPLE than the basic units of its society, the homes, are willing to accomplish.  There is always room for improvements in our government, as there is in any area of our lives, but the government cannot substitute for the home.  No matter how good a government we have, it can never amend the breakdown of the moral and spiritual standards of the home. And this same principle is true in the church.  How weak or strong is the church depends on the weakness or strengths of the individual members who make up the church.  If we complain about the ills of the church, it is, in reality, the cry of a guilty conscience of those who fail to live up to the demands of the gospel, by which and upon which each Christian stands, and by which and upon which the church stands. Yes, we want to see a healthy society and a strong church.  But this will be only when the little girl is taught by her parents to behave as a little girl should; when that boy who was caught stealing is taught, at home, true principles of honesty and virtue; when boys and girls all over the land will have the security of good, sound and proper parental discipline at home. The home, then, is the first place to look for the problems which cause the effects of lawlessness.  This is not a political issue to be tossed about by candidates.  It is an issue that must be faced at home.  The problems of the nation are the problems of the home.  What kind of children are seen in your home? http://www.lavistachurchofchrist.org A child is........ A butterfly in the wind, Some can fly higher than others; but each one flies the best it can. Why compare one against the other? Each one is different! Each one is special! Each one is beautiful! Author unknown the "don'ts" are selected off the internet/the "do's" are mine (pg) Don'ts and Do's:  . Don't spoil me. I know quite well that I ought not to have all I ask for; I'm only testing you. Do tell me "no" at times for I need to learn to be content.   Don't be afraid to be firm with me. I prefer it... it makes me feel more secure. Do give me the security of being able to lean on your wisdom.  . Don't correct me in front of people if you can help it. I'll take much more notice if you talk to me in private. Do remember to correct me if you have to wait to do so in privacy. I won’t learn to behave if you forget or don’t want to bother with it later. Don't make me feel that my mistakes are sins. Do teach me the correct way in patience and love. Don't be too upset if I say "I hate you." It isn't that I hate you, but only that I need your attention. Do understand sometimes I say, “I hate you,” because I’m trying to make you feel bad so that you will break down and give me what I want. Don't protect me from consequence. I need to learn the hard way. Do be there to support me emotionally. Don't take too much notice of my small ailment. Sometimes they get me the attention I want. Do give me the pat, kiss, or hug I may need, but try not to over baby me. This will help me get over much bigger problems I will have to face in the future.   Don't make rash promises. Remember that I feel badly let down when promises are broken. Do keep your promises so I can learn to trust you. If you forget to keep a promise, apologize to me. Don't forget that I cannot explain myself as well as I should like. This is why I'm not always accurate. Do understand sometimes I don’t understand what you are telling me. When I’m young I take your words literally and sometimes I will misinterpret you. Don't be inconsistent. That completely confuses me and makes me lose my faith in you. Do understand it’s very important to me as I grow up to always know you will follow through with what you say. Don't put me off when I ask you questions. If you do, you will find that I stop asking and seek my information elsewhere. Do answer my questions as best you can and it’s OK to say, “I don’t know.” Perhaps we can find out the answer together. Don't tell me my fears are silly. They are terribly real and you can do much to try to understand. Do help me to find helpful ways to get over my fears and be patient with me. Don't ever suggest that you are perfect or infallible. It gives me too great a shock when I discover that you are neither. Do apologize when I see you do wrong. It teaches me humbleness and helps me learn to apologize. Don't forget that I can't thrive without lots of love. Do love me in word and action. I like lots of hugs, teaching, listening, and discipline when I need it. Children Learn What They Live Do you love the Bible? Do you love God's people? Do you pray? Do you meet with the saints on Sunday and during the week? Are you patient? Do you help others? Are you friendly? Are you unselfish? Do you say no to sin? Are you thankful? Do you find joy in the good in this life? Do you say the words, "I love you?" Do you love? Do you apologize for wrong doing? Do you hate sin? Do you cleave to good? Do you love wisdom and pray for it? If you responded with a "no" to any of these questions, will your child learn what he lives? Fulfillment I longed to write a poem of the rail fence heaped with snow; Instead, I baked a cherry pie, because David liked them so. I longed to paint a picture of the pear tree, white with bloom; Instead, I made a braided rug to brighten Martha's room. I longed to sing a lilting song before youth and dreams had flown, Instead, I bathed Joan's bleeding knee and smoothed a bandage on. I'll never do those dream doll things, I've waited far too long, Now David writes, Martha paints, and Joan sings a happy song. Laona Rochelle 1. Reinforce your love -- say the words I love you 2. Be careful not to criticize; describe a better way. 3. Remember that children often relfect what they have or have not been taught. 4. Teach the principles of "why," not just "what" to do or not to do. 5. Listen to them, a lot. Avoid interrupting. Give them your undivided attention. www.drugfree.org Parents, be aware that many teenagers are now taking nude photos of themselves or others, sending them on their cell phones or posting them online. A high school resource officer estimated two thirds of the students in his school probably have an indecent picture of themselves or someone else on their phone. This is called sexting. While your child may never do such a thing, they may be exposed to it as friends may be sharing pictures. This is yet one more evil our children are being tempted with, today. / Talk to your children about this. Let them know you are aware this is happening in the schools and if your child is living in your house, it is your right to check out their phone. You may want to let them know you will have periodic phone checks and tell them in a loving way this is to protect them as all of us, including parents, are tempted and stumble. If they want to play the "You don't trust me" card or the "It's my life and you're invading my privacy" card, don't back down; the simple fact is none of us can be trusted 100% and while you can allow them their privacy when you are able to do so, you are also responsible before God to make sure sin is not in your house. Read the story of Eli to your child and let them know God holds you responsible to make sure you are doing all you can as a loving mother who cares about their child's soul. Sure, they may get angry, but it will pass. True godly love always conquers, remember that.  -Pat . Family Feelings Dee Bowman I grew up in a loving family. My dad was quiet, but strong of character. My mom was more gregarious, but also of strong character. I don’t remember when we didn’t attend the worship services with those who shared our commonality in Christ. I remember when my little brother laid on a pallet between the benches (they weren’t near good enough to be called “pews”) and how we later went to classes on the Lord’s Day with the others our age. We had Sunday dinner for almost everyone—sometimes twenty or thirty—because we felt close to all of them. I never doubted, even for a minute, my parents’ love for me—even when I was being disciplined (and there was a considerable amount of that!). I enjoyed my growing up years with my brothers, singing, playing baseball on vacant lots, watching Hopalong Cassidy or Roy Rogers or Lash LaRue or The Three Mesquiteers at the old Rose Theatre on Saturday afternoons, playing “kick back” with a football in the unpaved street in front of our house and running after one another in a “replay” of the Saturday matinee just as the sun began to hide behind the horizon in the evening. My mom and dad were very supportive of our school activities and left no doubt that we were to do the best we could, no matter the subject (even in math!). We worked at it, even if just because we loved them and didn’t want to disappoint them. It was hard to see them leave this life; but I never had any doubt about their destination. My dad just dropped dead in the hall (I know now it was a blessing how he went); and my mom just went to sleep one night and died (she still lived alone at 89 years old). I still miss them. Sometimes when I pass the mirror I see them in my own visage. I’m kind of glad. It reminds me that something of them still lives in me. I sure hope to see them again one day when we’ll all be better and can love even more. And for as long as we want. I love my own family. I’m not sure that I’ve given them all the memories I had, but then maybe their memories are sweet like mine and refreshing to contemplate once in a while. I’ve loved them all the way. I remember when Russ was born and how proud I was. He was sort of pudgy and didn’t look much like me, but I could tell he was mine the first time he cried (he nearly took the roof off the hospital). I turned around about three times and it was Little League, about three more times and it was college, about three more times and I was hearing him preach the gospel, about three more times and there was Tracy, then Haley, then Tori, and now—who knows? He sure has made me proud. I remember looking through a two-paned window at the hospital’s birthing unit seeing a red, wiggling little thing as the nurse pointed to her and mouthed the words, “It’s yours!” I was shocked at her being a girl; there weren’t any girls in my family. Then one day she rode off on a pink bicycle, one with little plastic strings hanging from the handle bars and a purple basket on front, her pony tail flittering behind. Then one day she rode away to school, then to the university. Now she’s a teacher, somewhat like her daddy, but probably better. And she writes little children’s stories. And she’s always been a joy to Norma and me. We are family at Southside. I have lots of memories of our family here, some good, some not. I remember when Jared was born, and when Matt and Rene got married. I remember when Chuck Durham can to learn with us, and Lawrence Kelly, and how Jason stuttered so when he first came. I remember godly men—men of influence in our family—men like Brother Summers and Rex Cottle, and Jim I’Anson and G.W. O’Neal (he once referred to someone’s automobile during his announcements as a “Pyotie”). I remember when I first loaned Bro. Usrey the $5 he still owes me. I remember lots of happy times, lots of sad times, lots of time of anxiety and pain, lots of times of consternation and regret because some beloved brother or sister left the family for the world. It still hurts to think about it sometimes. We are family. I’m glad. The concept of family is one of the richest biblical descriptions of the Lord’s church. We’re together in this most important enterprise of all, God’s family. It is a joy to be with the family in reunions such as we are having today. A joy to commune with the saints. All of it, mind you, is done together for we are family, the family of God, one in Christ Jesus. Enjoy. http://www.southsideonline.org  .  THOUGHTS FOUND ON THE WEB A mother speaks of her grown son marrying a good, loving woman but disappointed in the lack of close relationship with daughter in law: "We are going to overlook the things that cause pain when we don't get the time with our son that what we want. The Bible tells us in 1 Peter 4:8 that love covers over a multitude of sins. I imagine it also covers over a multitude of expectations. We'll pray for them to grow as a couple, and we'll delight in God's miracle that two perfectly matched people have chosen to serve God together." by Carolyn Klepfer, Coffee Can Wait  www.troubledwith.com .......... "Love both gives and receives and in giving it receives." .......... . "The older I get the more I realize I have little control over life's circumstances -- and other people. But I do have control over what I choose to focus on, and that greatly affects my attitude and my ability to solve the problem. - 64 year old mother .......... . "It doesn't hurt to be optimistic. You can always cry later." .......... . "Things that matter most, must never be at the mercy of things that matter the least." .......... . "We move through life in such a distracted way that we do not even take the time and rest to wonder if any of the things we think, say, and do are worth thinking, saying, and doing." .......... Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you. Phil. 4:8-9 FROM THE MAIL "I would like to see the subject addressed about adult children refusing to contact or have anything to do with their parents or any family members.  All involved are attending church services faithfully and very involved in the work of the Lord.  Every attempt on the parents have been made to contact this son/daughter and to seek the help from elders/preachers/faithful members and still nothing.    . Won't this son/daughter's soul be lost?  I have even heard an Elder state that this son/daughter does not have to contact you at all if he doesn't want to.  I don't believe the bible teaches that it is okay to treat your brother/sister in Christ in this manner.  I would appreciate hearing what the bible has to say on this subject.  This is also a prevalent problem out in the world, as well." , -------------------------   When Your Adult Child Doesn't Call Pat Gates Thank you for writing in. This is an important question and before I begin to address this problem I need to state what I won't do: I'm not going to speak about this specific incidence, except for one *suggestion. I don't believe it wouldn't be wise to do so, seeing I don't know the entire story, as well as the fact it isn't my place to address the elder's thoughts. What I will discuss is: Adult children's responsibility to parents. Parent's responsibility to their adult children. What should a mother do when her children don't call. In regards to the adult child's soul being in danger, every situation is different as there are so many scenarios to consider. I will discuss this more in the followup article next month. Because there are a variety of mothers and daughters who read Our Hope, I'm going to try and address an assortment of personalities. It's up to us to examine ourselves and see if there is anything we need to change in order to gain a better relationship with our children/parents at the present time as well as in the future. *I, myself, would not go to the elders about my child not calling. I believe it would be counterproductive as it could bring about embarrassment and anger to the adult child and may cause even more separation. .  Possible Reasons Why A Child Doesn't Call (With solutions directed at mother and daughter. I realize sons are involved as well, but this site is directed to women.) Children are too busy and self-focused. This can happen to the faithful if we aren't careful. Young adults are busy building their lives and taking care of the needs of their family and they allow time to go by without thinking of the needs and desires of their parents. ♦ Daughter: It's great if you have learned to be independent and responsible. Your parents are proud of this. However, your parents are also a responsibility given to you by God. "Honor your father and mother." It's so easy to forget the unselfish years of love and service your parents gave to you. I don't believe you should now give them attention out of obligation, but rather out of love with the idea of honoring who they are and their devotion to you, especially if they are Christians and taught you the will of God. "Even parents who seem to be completely independent would like to be remembered and included in small but meaningful ways. You may not realize it, but the 'ball' or momentum of the relationship is almost always in your court as an adult child, especially if you lead a busy life."  Susan Newman, Ph.D ♦ To the mother: When you were young were you guilty of being too self-focused? It is a temptation of youth, so try and be patient, and while it's easy to feel hurt, most young people are not trying to purposely hurt their parents. Don't withdraw your affection or communication with them, even though it may be tempting to think, "If they don't contact me, why should I contact them." I don't believe you should over-contact them, nor should you constantly remind them they don't call as this will only create bad feelings and a greater lack of contact, but stay in contact with them now and then by phone calls, letters, emails and such. Hopefully maturity will take place eventually and they'll learn priorities. If this doesn't happen, you can't force them to give you time so you need to find other things to fill your thoughts and time. Dwelling on the lack of communication will only make it worse for you. Self-focused Mothers:  (1) There are mothers who have lived their life for their children and once they "leave the nest," these mothers feel lost as they have not been developing a relationship with their husband and with other Christians, nor have they been involved with any personal activities that didn't involve their children. Because of this, they feel hurt when their child doesn't pay them back for all they've done and they expect their child to feel the same loneliness they are feeling. (2) Some mothers may have a histrionic or narcississtic personality. While they hadn't fulfilled their child's needs because they were so self-focused, they feel angry and hurt if their children don't fulfill their desires. They live for attention and compliments, even though they themselves don't give their children this because they are in competition with everyone, even their children. Ignorance. Children are ignorant of how their parents feel; they don't know the empty feeling a lack of contact can bring. Daughters: Try to put yourself in your parent's shoes and imagine yourself one day with grown children. Try to feel the emotion of your children not contacting you. Mothers: While your child's ignorance of your feelings is not a good excuse, you can at least chalk it up to the immaturity of the child and try not to take it personal. Instead of giving them hints about not hearing from them or suffering in silence tell them, in a kind manner, that you love them and miss them and would like to have a nice talk now and then. If they still ignore you, you can't force the issue; don't nag them because it will only make the situation worse. Also, try not to get overly emotional when they finally call. What you see as hurt feelings, they may see as you trying to put guilt on them. Frankly, after we do what we can, we just have to learn to live with the situation in the best way we can. We pray about it, stay in contact any way we can, and always have our heart open for our children. No, it's not fair, but unfortunately, this is how it is in many adult/child relationships. Selfishness. Some people are just selfish and that's all there is to it. They think of their desires and are so self-focused, the feelings of others don't matter. Mother and Child: We need to examine ourselves honestly and see if we fall into this category; if so, we need to begin looking outside ourselves. If the parent or child doesn't change, there's no way we can force them to; the best plan is to be unselfish ourselves and be a good example. Again, don't nag. Son-in-law or daughter-in-law: In some cases the problem in a lack of contact may be the child's spouse. Often a child will give in to his spouse's wish and if their spouse doesn't want to spend time with his/her in-laws, then the child will go along, rather then get into an argument with his/her spouse Daughters: Women, you are to be in subjection to your husbands, however, you are to honor your parents. If your husband refuses to visit your parents, if you are able to, then please visit. If not, call, write, or email and remind them of your love and care. Don't nag your husbands and continually argue with him about his decision to stay away, nor should you side with your parents against your husband. Keep being a good example of a meek and quiet spirit for this will help heal wounds and provide more hope for a reconciliation in the future. Daughter-in-laws: Your husband is to honor his parents just as you are to honor your's and, in reality, both sets of parents should be honored by the husband and the wife. Mothers: Keep in contact with your child, if possible. Be kind to your son-in-law/daughter-in-law. "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger," Proverbs 15:1. Don't try to get your child to side with you by cutting down his/her spouse; not only will this backfire on you, but you don't want to ever encourage marital problems. History of Verbal Conflicts: Stay off topics that will initiated arguments. It doesn't take much to spark the fire of past heated discussions. I realize there are serious topics a parent or child must talk about, but do so with wisdom and love. Unfortunately, there are also many topics that are brought up again and again that have nothing to do with any physical or spiritual harm; if these topics cause distress, why bring them up? The mother/daughter relationship is much more important than making your point over and over again.   Daughters: Parents often mellow with age. They have learned through experience and, hopefully, spiritual maturity that so much of what they use to get upset about just doesn't matter anymore. Often they become less judgmental and patient with the mistakes of others. Also, you are growing in experience and spiritual maturity and practicing more patience with your parents' quirks or mistakes should be part of your work in gaining a better relationship with your parents. Time to put away childish things. Mothers: You are the mature one; remember that. You are the one God has commanded to teach your children what is right. Mother being controlling, over-bearing and too opinionated: Perhaps the young couple does want a good relationship with the parents but whenever they get together, to be blunt, the mothers can't keep their mouth shut. They may criticize the way the couple is handling their money or how they're raising their children. The mother may correct how her daughter or daughter in law cooks and cleans house. Fathers may also constantly correct their sons and show their disappointment in them. "Parental intimacy, encouragement, nurturing and support--crucial while you were growing up--can be beneficial in adulthood as well, but they can also feel “smothering” when parents don’t respect your separateness." Susan Newman, Ph.D Daughters: Try to keep your cool and talk calmly to your mother about allowing you to grow up and take care of your household. Tell her she was a good teacher but you may do things a little different or you want to try it your way and if it doesn't work out, then you've gained wisdom. Keep listening to wise counsel. and try not to interpret it as criticizing. Often mothers remember their mistakes when they were young women and they are trying to prevent you from making the same mistakes. However, sometimes they forget you are a woman and may talk to you like you are still a child; if this happens, thank them for their counsel but remind them you are also a woman now in charge of taking care of your household. Mothers: Timing is everything; wait until your child initiates the conversation about a topic you have been wanting to discuss with her and offer your opinion, but do so in a humble way as you would do to any other adult woman. You raised her to be a good "keeper of the home," so allow her to be so. It is good for our children to be capable, on their own, to take care of their own household. If you keep your thoughts to yourself then your child will be more willing to go to you for help when she needs you. I realize there are times you may have to speak up, but only do so if you see physical or spiritual danger and speak with kindness and humbleness, as you would do with any adult woman. In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise. Prov. 10:19 Lack of sensitivity to each other:  "Be thoughtful and inclusive. It’s not only what you and your parents do together that makes a difference. It’s also the way you think about and respect each other. In your adult child-parent friendship with so many elements and so much history working together, the intangibles are the true binding factor: how sensitive you are to each other, your capacity to listen and your ability to suspend judgment--the very same traits so treasured in a peer who is your friend." Susan Newman Ph.D Daughters: Mothers are only human. They feel pain, just like you do. Hurtful words and lack of communication are upsetting, just as they would upset you. There are some mothers who never complain and they choose not to display their inner pain; they are trying not to cause any more tension in the relationship. These mothers, however, are not immune from feeling sad and disappointed when their child is not sensitive to their needs and desires. Mothers: "Tensions may be more upsetting to parents than to children because parents have more invested in the relationship. Parents are also concerned with launching their children into successful adulthood," - Diane Swanbrow." Mothers, your children are not there to fulfill all your desires and to live your dreams. Be sensitive to their emotions and dreams. Listen, learn, and encourage. Physical/Mental Illness of Parent: (This article is not dealing with the physical care of parents; we are assuming the parent has the physical help they need.) If a child grew up with an ill parent it may be an emotional and confusing time when she becomes an adult and has her own family. There may be a sense of relief and freedom that is different than other adult children and, at the same time, guilt and sadness she is not there to help her parent. There are conflicting emotions she may need to work out. There may also be ignorance of her parent's condition even though she lived with it for years. Children don't tend to research what is actually going on with the disease process and they may make judgments about their parent from what they observe, which sometimes gives an inaccurate accounting of what is actually going on. To the daughter: Educate yourself about your parent's illness. Don't just go on what you have observed, if you don't know the actual disease process and symptoms. This will help in understanding why your parent acts in the way she does and will help you with patience as well as knowing not only the physical needs of your parent, but the emotional. You may also want to join a support group of persons who have the same condition and hear what they have to say. If your parent has mental illness, you can learn ways to better communicate and if there has been relationship problems, educating yourself by reading and attending support groups will give you tools to help in communication and your own emotions, past and present. Having an ill parent does not excuse you from communicating. If your parent is homebound, she especially needs and wants to know her children love her, care for her and understand her. She lives with guilt and sadness that she is not able to give her children and grandchildren what she would like to. If your parent has mental illness the same holds true. However, there may be cases where wisdom must be used; if your parent has brain damage due to injury or disease and burst of anger and violence ensue, then you may have to limit your children's visits and don't leave them alone with the parent. But be sure to explain to your child that their grandparent can't help their actions. Even in this scenario or in cases of Alzheimers when the parent doesn't recognize her own family, communication of the child and grandchild would be good. Now, with all this said, there are still cases that may not fit into what I just said. There may be cases when communication may be dangerous for your family or for whatever reason may cause harm. Every situation is different. You must examine if this is truly the case and not just an excuse, but if it is a real situation, try not to feel guilty, but do what you can to protect your family. You and your children can keep your parent in your prayers (this will help your child to understand your love for your parent) and ask God if there is a way to have communication to help you understand this as you want to honor your parent. God will provide opportunity if this is the case. The important thing is to keep your heart right, even if you were neglected as a child. Remember, your parent could not help her condition; she may not tell you her sadness in her inability to spend more time and energy on you, so please be patient and understanding. Don't feel unnecessary guilt if you are doing all you can. There are mothers out there who may feel so sorry for themselves they become too demanding on their children and try and create guilt in them. Just do the best you can and recognize your parent's illness is not your fault, nor should it overwhelm your thoughts and time (again, we are assuming the parent's physical needs are taken care of). At the same time, illness is not an excuse to ignore your parents and misjudge them, but rather recognize their needs and desire to be in contact, even if it is difficult for them to do so. And for those of you who may be in a dangerous situation with communicating with your parent, use wisdom and continually pray for your parent and be ready to help when you can. I need to add one more thing. A parent who is ill has more needs and while her physical needs may be taken care of, she has emotional needs that she may or may not make known. She is lonely and often may only have her family for comfort. This is not said to make you feel overburdened or guilty, just keep this in mind in loving thoughts. Unless the mother is physically or mentally incapable of doing so, your mom would be there in person or on the phone, as soon as she could, if you became ill. A mother's needs are the same. The least little attention and kind words from her child mean so much. To the mother: I would say the same things that were mentioned in last month's suggestions, according to the personalities involved. A couple of things to add is (1) You are not alone, if your children don't understand you. Unfortunately, this is normal. Just learn to live with it and if you find an opportunity to help education without being pushy, take advantage of it. (2) Don't constantly talk about your illness. Try not to be negative or whiney even if you feel bad everytime you talk with your child. There may be times when you are so ill you need to talk about your condition, but if that isn't the case, try and be upbeat. Dealing with children and living with illness creates unfair scenarios sometimes, but the unfairness of the situation needs to be put aside if you want to continue to have a good relationship and communication. Abusive parents: I am not speaking of parents with mental illness due to brain injury or disease. This section will deal with parents who are free of disease, are capable of making choices and have the capacity of practicing self-control. These are parents who have either verbally, emotionally, physically, or sexually abused their child on a regular basis when the child was growing up. I am not including parents who have made mistakes in ignorance and perhaps have deprived their child of some helpful emotional tools to build character, I'm speaking of ABUSE. This includes overt neglect, verbally tearing down the child, beatings (not self-controlled reasonable spankings), and sexual perversions. What obligations does the adult child have if she grew up in abuse? Should an adult child who was abused contact her abusive parent? First of all, every case is different. I don't believe there is a right answer of "yes" or "no" as to whether an abused child should keep communication open with her parent. Abuse, especially physical and sexual, always creates emotional difficulties for the rest of the child's life. Even for those adult children who have grown into faithful, strong individuals and have learned to live with their past in the best way possible, the past is always there. Daughters: I'm not going to give an answer to this question because I don't know your situation. Several things need to be considered: Is there still danger? Would there be danger to you or your children? How is your emotioanl stability at this point? Is your parent truly sorry and are you forgiving? If it is "just" verbal or emotional abuse and no physical danger involved, can you open communication and practice love with self-control and wisdom, not allowing verbal attacks to weaken you spiritually? This is a very difficult queston to answer concerning communication and abuse. I've know children who had a parent who gave them nothing but grief but still gave their mother the physical and emotioanl needs she needed. I believe this is a beautiful, loving, godly attitude, well acceptable before God. And yet there may be some cases, where "yes, keep communication open" may not be the right choice. I have learned, even in Christian families, there are extreme, almost unbelievable situations out there and that makes answering "yes" to all situations difficult to answer. If there was physical or sexual abuse involved, first of all do not ever allow your child to be alone around your parent. Even if they have apologized, if you were physically and/or sexually abused as a child, you know how vulnerable children can be so why take a chance on your child. There may be some cases where it is safe for you and your child to be around your parent and still other cases where it may not be safe for either one of you and communication may need to take place on the phone or by email. Still, in other cases, cutting off communication may have to take place. Sexual abuse is a great evil and one in which wisdom needs to be used. Don't feel guilty for your parent's evil and sin against you and God. Their sin is not your's. Grow in the strength, love and comfort of your Lord, knowing the beauty of righeousness. If your parent asks forgiveness, forgive, but at the same time, use wisdom with your communication and your children's. Forgiveness doesn't mean to open yourself or your child up to an abusive situation. Mothers: If you or your husband abused your child, you MUST be patient with your child's fears, anger, and possible rejection of you. After-all, what do you expect?! The damage has been great. If you desire communication, you must be truly sorry of your sin. You must recognize your sin, admit it, see the ugliness and horror it presented, no matter how painful it is for you to see it, asked God's forgiveness and strength, and finally ask forgiveness of your child. If your child will not forgive, give her time, live righteously, be a good example, keep your door open to communication, understand the emotions of your child and the fears they may have for their child. If you have admitted your wrong and ask forgiveness from your child, don't push for a relationship. Send birthday cards etc. but don't press forgiveness and communication. If you were a mother who did not abuse your child but enabled it, expect anger. If you are sorry, ask for forgiveness from God and from your child. Understand the deep emotional impact the abuse made on your child and be patient. Pray for your child, communicate however you can, without being pushy. If your child is afraid to bring their children to see you because you are living with your abusive husband, understand this would be perfectly normal and probably wise of your child not to bring their children. See if they'll agree to a visit at their house or a restaurant etc. If you are a mother who tried to stop the abuse and did stop it, try and understand the terrible emotional impact the abuse made on your child. Try not to take their emotional problems to heart in the sense of being overwhelmed with guilt. If you did not allow the abuse or enable it, you are not to be blamed. Be patient. Communicate however you can. Pray. Time may heal the wounds to were your child can separate you from the abuse, not in the sense they may blame you, but in the feelings that may be aroused within them. Christians/Non-Chrisitans: There may be spiritual concerns that interfere with an adult child contacting her parents. If her parents are not Christians and their language, or alcohol intake, or lifestyle may be harmful to the grandchildren, this may cause a separation. If the parents are religious and involved in false doctrine and try to impress that on the grandchildren, this may be a cause of a lack of communication. If the parents are unfaithful Christians, perhaps they need to be (scripturally) disciplined, but loving encouragement is always a good thing. If you are the parent, examine yourself in these things, knowing the harm you may be causing in your relationship with your child and grandchildren. If you are the daughter, you may indeed need to protect your children from any spiritual or physical harm, but if you can keep communication open by phone that could make a positive impact on not only your relationship, but your parent's souls.  Now there are situations when the parents may not be Christians but they keep their beliefs to themselves and not try to impact the grandchildren. They may leave off drinking and foul language, knowing you don't approve, and in these cases communications need to stay open. The parents are trying and in the long run, open communication and the child's good example may lead the parents to the truth. It's been done many times.  Conclusion: REMEMBER: you cannot force a relationship with estranged children, but you can leave the door of communication open. . DON'T:  Nag and continually place guilt on them.  Make your child choose between his/her spouse and you. Dwell on the problem and allow it to overwhelm your thoughts and emotions. Criticize their spending, child raising, housework, career etc. If there is something very serious you must address, do so patiently and in love and don't nag. Get your feelings hurt so easily. I know this may be tough sometimes, but you've got to build a thick, yet pliable, skin. Have the idea your children owe you. Yes, we have done much for our children, but it was our love and our responsibility to do so. Hopefully our children will respect us and love us in return, but if we have the idea our children owe us, we'll continually be disappointed in the returns of our investment. Our love to our children should be unconditional and if they cut off communication, they need to know that our God-given love will never be cut off from them. Expect your adult child to fill the void in your life. Allow anger and resentment to destroy your relationship. Give unsolicited advice. Hold on to past mistakes and arguments. Agree with any sinful practice your child may be involved in just to keep communication open. You are to continually bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. DO: Continue to communicate in love and kindness. Pray to God about your pain and ask for help for yourself and for your child. Keep the door of communication open, even if you never hear from your children. They need to know you are not the one who shut down communication. Be patient and understand that, hopefully, maturity will take place and your children will be more thoughtful. Often communication grows when your children have children. Examine yourself honestly and see if you may be the cause of the lack of communication. Be willing to apologize for past mistakes or sin against your child and be willing to change. Apologize if you catch yourself doing too much mothering and say it is hard to break the habit, but you'll keep trying. Find your own life, if you haven't already done so. Your children are a part of your life but they should not be your entire life. Build your relationship with your husband, church family, and friends. Fill your time with thoughts on others. Treat your adult children with the respect you give other adults. Remember you are the mature one. Continue to bring your children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Tell your children you would like more communication because you love and miss them, but do so kindly and don't nag. Decide your relationship with your child is more important than most disagreements. .  What the Scriptures Have to Say About the Parent/Child Relationship “Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one! You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. Deu. 6:4-6 Now Eli was very old; and he heard everything his sons did to all Israel, and how they lay with the women who assembled at the door of the tabernacle of meeting. So he said to them, “Why do you do such things? For I hear of your evil dealings from all the people. No, my sons! For it is not a good report that I hear. You make the LORD’s people transgress. If one man sins against another, God will judge him. But if a man sins against the LORD, who will intercede for him?” Nevertheless they did not heed the voice of their father, because the LORD desired to kill them. (1 Sam. 2:22-25) In that day I will perform against Eli all that I have spoken concerning his house, from beginning to end. For I have told him that I will judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knows, because his sons made themselves vile, and he did not restrain them. 1 Sam. 3:10 Then Adonijah the son of Haggith exalted himself, saying, “I will be king”; and he prepared for himself chariots and horsemen, and fifty men to run before him. (And his father [king David pg] had not rebuked him at any time by saying, “Why have you done so?” He was also very good-looking. His mother had borne him after Absalom.) 1 Kings 1:5-6 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; And the law of kindness is on her tongue. She looketh well to the ways of her household, And eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children rise up, and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praiseth her, saying: Many daughters have done worthily, But thou excellest them all. Grace is deceitful, and beauty is vain; But a woman that feareth Jehovah, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands; And let her works praise her in the gates. (Pro 31:26-31) And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but nurture them in the chastening and admonition of the Lord. Eph. 6:4 Fathers, provoke not your children, that they be not discouraged. Col. 3:21  “ My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD,    Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him;    For whom the LORD loves He chastens,    And scourges every son whom He receives.” If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? Heb. 12:5-7 That they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed. Titus 2:4-5 Greater joy have I none than this, to hear of my children walking in the truth. 3 John 1:4 (Whether it be physical or spiritual children. pg) Now for the third time I am ready to come to you. And I will not be burdensome to you; for I do not seek yours, but you. For the children ought not to lay up for the parents, but the parents for the children. And I will very gladly spend and be spent for your souls; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I am loved. 2 Cor. 12:14-15  Then he came to Derbe and Lystra. And behold, a certain disciple was there, named Timothy, the son of a certain Jewish woman who believed, but his father was Greek, Acts 16:1. When I call to remembrance the genuine faith that is in you, which dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice, and I am persuaded is in you also. 2 Tim. 1:5 You are witnesses, and God also, how devoutly and justly and blamelessly we behaved ourselves among you who believe; as you know how we exhorted, and comforted, and charged every one of you, as a father does his own children, 12 that you would walk worthy of God who calls you into His own kingdom and glory. 1 Thess. 2:10-12 He said to them, “All too well you reject the commandment of God, that you may keep your tradition. For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother’; and, ‘He who curses father or mother, let him be put to death.’But you say, ‘If a man says to his father or mother, “Whatever profit you might have received from me isCorban”—’ (that is, a gift to God), then you no longer let him do anything for his father or his mother, Mark 7:9-12 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,”which is the first commandment with promise: Eph. 6:1-2 Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord. Col. 3:20 But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents; for this is good and acceptable before God. Now she who is really a widow, and left alone, trusts in God and continues in supplications and prayers night and day. But she who lives in pleasure is dead while she lives. And these things command, that they may be blameless. But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. 1 Tim. 5:4-8 And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting; being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving, unmerciful; Rom. 1:28-31 There is a generation that curses its father, And does not bless its mother. There is a generation that is pure in its own eyes, Yet is not washed from its filthiness. There is a generation—oh, how lofty are their eyes! Prov. 30:11-13 ‘Cursed is the one who treats his father or his mother with contempt.’ “And all the people shall say, ‘Amen!’ Deut. 27:16 Other Scriptures to Consider Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. Eph. 4:31-32 Walk in love. Eph. 5:2 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Cor. 13:4-7 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord. Rom. 12:9-11 Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. Rom. 12:17-19 Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous; not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing. 1 Pet. 3:8-9 But He answered and said to the one who told Him, “Who is My mother and who are My brothers?” And He stretched out His hand toward His disciples and said, “Here are My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of My Father in heaven is My brother and sister and mother.” Matt. 12:48-50 ,  Teaching Children and Grandchildren   By Micky Galloway Proverbs 17:6 says, "Children's children are the crown of old men; and the glory of children are their fathers." Indeed, but with this crown comes responsibility. God commanded Israel to teach their children and their children's children. "Only take heed to thyself, and keep thy soul diligently, lest thou forget the things which thine eyes saw, and lest they depart from thy heart all the days of thy life; but make them known unto thy children and thy children's children; the day that thou stoodest before Jehovah thy God in Horeb, when Jehovah said unto me, Assemble me the people, and I will make them hear my words, that they may learn to fear me all the days that they live upon the earth, and that they may teach their children." (Deuteronomy 4:9-10) Over and over again, the law emphasized this responsibility (Deuteronomy 6:6ff; 20ff; Deuteronomy 31:9-13, etc.). The Passover observance was to be a means of reminding their children of God’s great works (Exodus 12:24ff). The twelve stones that Joshua set up in Gilgal as a memorial of God’s parting the Jordan River, thus enabling the people to enter the promised land, (Joshua 4:20ff) were to remind them of the great things God had done for Israel. To teach these great lessons they must talk with their children, as well as teach them by example. Yet, we read in Judges 2:10, "And also all that generation were gathered unto their fathers: and there arose another generation after them, that knew not Jehovah, nor yet the work which He had wrought for Israel." It is disturbing when children and grandchildren of faithful brethren never obey the gospel or, as soon as they are away from their parents’ rule, forsake the Lord and His church. This weighs heavy on my mind, especially because I am a parent, and now a grandparent, who above everything else I want for my family, wants them to love and serve God all their lives. I want to be able to provide for them the physical necessities of life, but if they forsake the Lord, surely I must examine myself to see if I did everything I should to provide for them spiritually (Proverbs 22:6; Ephesians 6:4; Matthew 16:26). During a recent conversation with my son-in-law, as I looked into the precious face of Kaitlyn (our granddaughter), I asked, "Doesn't it become easy now to answer the question, 'What would you give to protect and provide for one so innocent and precious?''' He quickly and correctly responded, "Whatever it takes!" Indeed, most would be willing to sacrifice their lives in a moment for their children, but are we willing to sacrifice the time necessary to teach them and set before them a lifetime of consistent examples? Paul described Timothy as one of "unfeigned faith..., which dwelt first in thy grandmother Lois, and thy mother Eunice..." (2 Timothy 1:5). It was because of the faithfulness of his mother and grandmother, who taught him the Scriptures from the time that he was a "babe," that he became "wise unto salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus." (2 Timothy 3:15) This is not to suggest that one who was not reared by a godly family cannot become a Christian, but it certainly would be more difficult. Nor does it diminish from the fact that salvation is an individual choice. However, I am persuaded that one reason why we may be losing our young people to the world is that parents (and grandparents) are failing in their responsibility to consistently train unto godliness "FROM A BABE." The apostle Paul, who considered himself Timothy's spiritual father, gave him specific instructions and warnings to prevent him from casting aside his faith: Be godly (1 Timothy 4:7-8), devout, and sincere, rather than just going through the motions; Trust in God (1 Timothy 4:10); Be a faithful example to others in all areas of life (1 Timothy 4:12); Be completely dedicated in faith, as opposed to serving half-heartedly (1 Timothy 4:13-15); Take heed to thyself and the doctrine; that is, practice what you believe and preach (1 Timothy 4:16); Flee sin and follow after righteousness (1 Timothy 6:11); Keep the commandments until the day of the Lord (1 Timothy 6:14); Do not be ashamed of your faith, nor the gospel; be bold (2 Timothy 1:8,11-14); Be diligent (2 Timothy 2:15). Today’s children (and grandchildren) need to hear and give heed to these things. Dangers are ever present. It is possible for our children to believe certain things, just because Mom and Dad believe them, instead of having individual conviction that must be "learned" of God (John 6:44-45) through knowledge of the Scriptures. True faith comes when an individual hears and believes (Romans 10:17). Too many are not converted to Christ, or else are in error, simply because they choose to carry on the "family religion." It's easy to take faithfulness for granted if we assume that just because our grandparents and parents were faithful, we are too. Please note the individuality of faithfulness. "... the righteousness of the righteous shall be upon him, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon him." (Ezekiel 18:20) The Bible clearly teaches that we can fall from grace, no matter how good the environment in which we were reared (Galatians 5:4; 1 Corinthians 10:12). Some never learn true commitment to Christ. They view being a Christian as having been baptized and attending worship services, but Scripture speaks of the church as "subject to Christ." (Ephesians 5:24) "Subject" is a military term meaning "to line up under," and denotes complete submission and obedience to authority. Some fail to personally study God's Word. Christians, from the beginning, must "long for the spiritual milk..." (1 Peter 2:2), so they may grow in faith. We may admit our lack of Bible knowledge and hunger and thirst to obtain it; but some who are "raised in the church" may think they already "know" all they need to know without personal study. Parents can become lax and not diligent in providing proper spiritual training (Cf. Ephesians 6:1-4). Taking our children to worship, as important as it is, is not a substitute for providing a godly atmosphere at home, with regular Bible study coupled with a good example. The "do as I say, not as I do" approach does not influence our children to serve God. Israel failed to properly teach its children, and the next generation did not "know Jehovah, nor yet the work which he had wrought for Israel." Therefore, they did that which was evil in the sight of Jehovah. We ARE teaching our children, both verbally and by example, but WHAT are we teaching them? Certainly, the next generation will tell. It takes time to do the job well. Read the words of Helen M. Young, from the poem "Children Won't Wait." I will not exchange this birthright for a mess of pottage called social position, or business or professional reputation, or a paycheck. An hour of concern today may save years of heartache tomorrow. The house will wait, the dishes will wait, the new room can wait, but children won't wait... May I know that no other career is so precious, no other work so rewarding, no other task too urgent. May I not defer it nor neglect it, but by thy Spirit accept it gladly, joyously, and by Thy grace realize that the time is short and my time is now. For children WON'T wait."

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