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Practical
Suggestions for
Safeguarding Your Marriage
To protect your marriage as the years pass, practice the principles that social scientists
have found in lasting marriages: • Treat each other as best
friends. Just as you overlook irritating traits in a friend, look past your partner's flaws and focus on his
or her endearing qualities. Have fun with your partner, laugh together, and share your thoughts and feelings. Give your love
freely and unselfishly -- without keeping score or feeling that you're sacrificing. As you do, you will encourage loving
behavior from your spouse, creating a cycle where giving love creates love. You may find yourself surprised and delighted
to discover a fresh perception of your beloved, which inevitably develops when you love freely. •
Unite as allies.Years of companionship tend to ease sharp differences between spouses, making it easier to
feel like a team. Even when differences still come up, they feel less threatening because love and commitment have grown.
Spouses now enjoy one another's different strengths and divergent perspectives. They've learned that with their spouses
complementary traits, they can reach difficult goals they couldnt achieve on their own. Value, enjoy, and build on this unity. • Treat intimate knowledge with care. The intimate knowledge of one
another that spouses gain over the years creates a strong, enduring alliance. This intimate knowledge, however, must be used
only in loving service of one's partner. If it is ever misused, the sense of violation will go deeper than in a younger
marriage, creating more damaging resentment, sadness, and disappointment. Thus it becomes even more important in older marriages
to admit wrongs, apologize when necessary, and change behavior as needed. •
Continue personal development. Individual interests add needed freshness to a marriage. Separate friends
and activities help each partner continue personal growth and keep a healthy network of support. This balance between individuality
and togetherness can be delicate. As you pursue interests, keep your spouse as your top priority and maintain a loving awareness
of his or her needs. A good golf game with buddies can be renewing, but not if it's at the expense of time with your spouse.
Personal growth can benefit both spouses if it's kept within reasonable boundaries. Karen, for example, decided after
29 years of caring for her family that it was her turn to follow interests outside her home. She chose valuable pursuits,
but one evening she looked across the room at her husband and realized she was neglecting him and their marriage. She reworked
her priorities, deciding to continue her new interests by putting her husband back at the top of the list. • Have faith in God. Researchers have found that personal commitment
to religion tends to increase marital commitment and even improves couples communication and problem solving skills. But statistics
alone don't tell the full story. When two people rely on God to help them overcome the inevitable challenges of living
together, marriage becomes a deeply spiritual commitment where partners, separately and together, are fortified by the strength
and power of their Creator. • Increase flexibility.
During later life, new challenges often arise, including career changes, older children, retirement, and health issues. As
these challenges make new demands on your marriage, be flexible and willing to adjust. -selected
 Couple of Thoughts for Bed Bound Mom
Make Bible story mobiles. Pick a story, draw and color
or cut out pictures that go with the story. You and the little one can draw these or cut pictures out of magazines or copy,
paste and print pictures off the internet, and glue on cardboard. String them and tie them to a coat hanger at different places
and different heights. (As always the more the child works on a project, the better it will be, keeping in mind, IT DOES NOT
HAVE TO BE PERFECT, and praise them for their work.)
NEVER BE TOO TIRED TO CHECK ON WHAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE
WATCHING or HOW MUCH THEY ARE WATCHING! (When we are so fatigued, it may be tempting to let the TV babysit for too long, as
well as not keep an eye on what the children are watching.)
ABUSE AND SUFFERING
WIVES
(Part 1)
Joanne Beckley
(My aim in this study is to help us consider any scripture that will shed light
on our concern for suffering wives. Whatever conclusions I have drawn should not affect your willingness to study. Each of
us must face our own beliefs and actions. It is my prayer that we continue to place God's Word far above our own personal
suppositions and conclusions.)
INTRODUCTION
He pushes, shoves, slaps, kicks, chokes
you.
Locks you in or out of house or car.
Threatens you with a gun, knife.
He accuses, insists, and
criticizes you sexually.
Withholds sex and affection.
Forces unwanted sex.
Uses pornography.
He
ignores, ridicules, disapproves of you.
Criticizes, calls you names, or shouts.
Refuses to work, or won't share
money.
Lies to you.
"Obey me - God said so!"
Threatens to kill himself - or you...if you leave.
Our subject this morning is one very close to our hearts and lives. We may be presently suffering, or have a family
member suffering, or know of a sister in this congregation or another who is seeking help. Statistically every one of us has
a suffering wife sitting next to her or in the next row. Shocking, isn't it? Why so many? Because the words "suffering"
or "abuse" are both subjective words. That is, each one of us has a personal definition for how we understand what
suffering or abuse is in a marriage.
I am also suggesting it is very likely that the abused woman you presently
have in mind is a Christian or was raised in a home that claimed to serve Christ. She will likely bring this background influence
of values into the present - and it will therefore not only ba physical and emotional crisis but also a spiritual crisis.
She will have many questions about her faith. What guidance does scripture give her? What is God's will for her? How can
she deal with her situation as a follower of Christ? - And whatever she decides to do will be an action of enormous courage
- as will yours when you try to help her.
So, where to start? Let us start with ourselves. Christ only requires
change and growth within ourselves. We cannot change another person. Especially do we need to realize this to be true as we
live with our husbands, day by day - and want to change them! Our first lesson will be aimed at ourselves. You and I cannot
stand for the Lord, if w do not face our own strengths and weaknesses. Tomorrow, I plan to discuss and attempt to give practical
suggestions to wives who are suffering.
THE SUFFERING PSALMIST
There was a man who
lived long ago who demonstrated heroic strength and courage. He wrote very graphically of his pain and his tenacity to serve
his God. In Psalm 55:1-3 David wrote of how he KNEW what it was like to call out to God for help in the middle of trouble.
Like you or your sister beside you, David was the object of the anger and abuse by another person - and was overwhelmed by
all he experienced. Could God even be listening??
4-5 Suffering wives also know fear - an every
day kind of fear. They live with the anxiety of never knowing when the violence will erupt again.
6-8Sometimes
an abused wife will think, "If I only had wings, I could fly away from all of this and be safe." This longing is
powerful, for one of the strongest needs a woman has is for security and safety - shelter, a place of refuge.
12-14
The one who can hurt us - and truly knows our vulnerability - is someone very close to us. It is not the stranger we meet,
but the person we love and share our lives with - and the pain goes very deep.
Besides the pain inflicted by a
spouse, she may experience loneliness from the members in the congregations where we worship who do not understand - or do
not even want to know about the pain of battered women. ("How could such a nice guy be capable of beating and battering
his wife?")
Your request that we study this subject today and tomorrow demonstrates a wonderful willingness
to face not only the scriptures concerning abused and battered wives, but our own hearts.
THE SPIRIT AND
GLORY OF GOD - EZEKIEL 1:4-28
Because our hearts and emotions are involved in this subject, let us reaffirm
our intense desire to please our God. God chose to describe himself to Ezekiel with a vivid picture before he faced
Ezekiel with His demand, "Stand on your feet that I may speak to you!" We too, need give God this same honor and
reverence. With awe, we will reverence His requirements for you and me.
OUR RESPONSIBILITY
As Phil. 2:12 says, we are responsible to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling. In the verses
prior to this passage, Paul gives us a description of Jesus' attitude as He fulfilled the will of His Father - He "emptied
himself," He "humbled Himself" - by becoming obedient to the point of death. Repeatedly throughout the New
Testament we hear admonitions to seek God first. We read of men and women who placed greater value on doing the will of the
Father more than their own lives. We need to ask ourselves, do we?
ROLES OF MEN AND WOMEN
Back
in Gen. 1-2 we learn that the roles of men and women were established from the beginning of man's creation.
These roles were given to us by God. Our roles do not affect our equality in the likeness of God, our dignity and
worth or our unique ability to make choices.
FROM THE BEGINNING
Each role requires
specialized abilities and God recognized this when He made man and woman. From the beginning man led, and the law of God dictated
the degree of his leadership. The woman aided his leadership, and her degree of submission was also dictated by the law of
God. But in Genesis 3 sin was introduced into the world. It brought consequences which God pronounced on Adam and Eve's
lives. Hardships would now exist within men and women's roles because of sin.
The husband-wife relationship was also established when man and
woman were created (Gen. 2:24). Malachi 2:14 emphasizes again that his relationship is a covenant, not just for procreation,
but for companionship.
Have any new changes developed throughout the ages? What do we do when we are faced with
sinful actions by our mate, especially when our lives are threatened? Or when our children are abused? What attitude should
be present when we come to the scriptures for help? Will we accept what we learn from them - or continue to search for what
WE consider fair and just? ("I know that if I just keep studying I will find what I already know to be right."??)
MARRIAGE AND THE LAW OF CHRIST
The Law of Christ emphasizes the continued sanctification of
a marriage between believers or a believer and unbeliever (1 Cor. 7:13-16). It is God's design for man and woman and if
they are to be pleasing to Him, it is absolutely necessary for love to be present in the marriage relationship. Headship and
submission continue to be included in God's design for marriage. These roles are complimentary responsibilities limited
by God's law, Eph. 5:22,25; col. 3:18-19. (Paul adds an emphasis in 1 Cor. 7:4,5 - mutual sexual submission and separation
is limited by cause and time.) Whether our husbands fulfill their role or not, submission is STILL required of wives, in the
the Lord. (Acts 4:19; 5:29; 1 Cor. 7:15, 22-23. We are Christ's slave; "do not become the slaves of men!")
Divorce is an abomination to the Lord and always will be. Both the Old and New Testaments record that a vow/contract/covenant
made, must be kept! Jesus gave an exception in breaking the marriage bond and it limits who can remarry, Mt. 5:32; 19:9. (Mark
10:29 does mention leaving family for the gospel's sake, but the husband/wife phrase is only found in the KJV, which did
not have access to earlier manuscripts which do not contain the phrase.)
1 PETER 2-3
Abuse and suffering in the 1st century
The apostle Peter listened to the groaning of the 1st century Christians and he wrote two letters to encourage
them to endure, to remain steadfast. Under the Roman government, it had become very difficult to serve Christ. Whether Roman
law required unreasonable obedience, or a slave suffered for worshiping on the Lord's day, or a wife had to submit to
an unbelieving, and perhaps harsh husband - Peter addressed their needs.
After Peter exhorted Christians in chapter
1 to be holy for God is holy, he urged them - and us - to gird our minds for action, to keep sober in spirit, to fix our hope
COMPLETELY on God's grace (mercy). Peter continues to remind us that we MUST conduct ourselves in fear and reverence of
God during our time here upon earth. then, in chapter 2, Peter begins by emphasizing the "kindness of the Lord"
(1 Pet. 2:3) referring to Psalm 34:8. We are living stones, rejected by men, but choice and precious in the sight of God.
In effect, we are free men, loaned out by Christ to be citizens, slaves and wives.
We are to act as freemen
(2:16)
Peter commands us to act as freemen, making the CHOICE to be submissive, obedient. We are thus not dependant
of antoher's response for we are reflecting the image of Christ. It is a liberating choice. We not have
to keep tabs on each other, nor do we have to worry about our worth. It is a powerful choice. We are no longer
ruled by the sinful actions of our governments, masters, or husbands.
We are to do good (2:1, 17, 3:16)
We are not allowed hostile actions or words to dictate how we act. In effect, we are doing good toward our enemies
(Luke 6:27). Note the list of sinful actions in 2:1 and 3:16. It is impressive that Peter added Jesus Christ's example
of suffering that we are instructed to follow (1 Pet. 2:21-23).
We are to fear not
Peter
emphasized several times that fear for our physical lives must be rooted out, because of the "Hope that is in you"
(1 Pet. 2:6, 8; 3:15).
We must endure
"If for the sake of conscience toward God a man
bears up under sorrows when suffering unjustly" (2:19).
We are to pray
Although not
included in these passages, Jesus commanded us to pray for those who despitefully use us (Luke 6:28). It may be the only "tool"
in our toolbox to help our enemies.
PSALM 34
In 1 Peter 2-3 Peter begins by wrapping Psalm
34 around the three relationships of citizen, slave and wife - three relationships that are subject to pain and suffering.
(Melvin Curry's observation in sermon, The Christian and Suffering.) Peter saw comfort in this psalm. These three
relationships that Peter addressed remain even when we become strangers and pilgrims belonging to God. We are bond-servants
of God. We are therefore yoked with Christ. Read 1 Peter 2:13-15; 18-20; 3:1. - Matthew 11:28-30.
EXAMPLES
OF SUFFERING
To get a better grasp on suffering and godly men and women's submission in their service to
God in the Scriptures, let us consider several biblical references and the situations people found themselves in the past.
Citizen to government:
Israelites under a king - 1 Sam 8:10-18;
Jews under the
Roman Empire - Matt. 2:16; 9:10;
Acts 14:5 (to treat shamefully, to insult insolently- Robertson's); Heb.
10:32-33
Slave to master: Letter to Philemon
Wife to husband:
Hannah - 1
Sam. 1;
Michal - 1 Sam. 18:20; 25:44;
Abigail - 1 Sam. 25;
Sapphira - Acts 5:1-10
Consider the situation
of wives in New Testament times lived under. They had very little refuge in the laws of the land. Only a husband's moral
conscience prohibited him from abusing his wife in the 1st century. Today, the same is true, although there are more civil
laws in place to help secure a wife's protection. Peter does not seek to loosen these three relationships of citizen to
government, slave to master, and wife to husband in the face of suffering. Rather, he only recognizes submission within God's
law.
WIVES AND SUBMISSION
So HOW does a wife remain submissive
but refuse to participate in her husband's sins? She need specifics! The effort is constant, exhausting and time
consuming. She is in danger of becoming incapable and convinced she is always at fault. And what if anger escalates and threatens
life? Has God only give s "gut instincts" to rely on? Can we appeal to local laws? Can we leave our husbands? All
of these questions need to be answered.
1 Peter 3
Submission is a command from God for wives
to obey (whether the couple includes it int he marriage vows or not). It is voluntary action and a matter of love. Whether
our husbands obey God's will or not, this does not change His will for the wife. She is only responsible for what you
can do, what is in her power to be a good wife. It is interesting and possibly important to know that Peter gives no suggestion
that the wife break up the marriage. He does not refer to "rights," but rather to responsibilities.
A
good wife's strength in the Lord:
1. She must be pure, chaste, with emphasis on conduct that can be observed
(3:2-3).
2. She is to respect, fear, and reverence God. Having these qualities, she will respect her husband (Eph. 5:33).
She means business! Her conduct will leave no room for leading her husband astray.
3. Her heart must be adorned with
a meek and quiet spirit (3:4).
4. She will not live in terror, not be intimidated, but rather trust in God (3:6; cf.
Eph. 6:5-8), striving to live in serene faith.
A good husband's strength in the Lord:
In
order for us to fully understand our responsibilities, note the balance Peter gives for the husband. Even the husband as the
head of his wife (Eph. 5:23) must have an attitude of submission to his own marriage obligations (5:28).
1. "Dwell
with your wives according to knowledge." This includes thoughtfulness, honesty, openness, patience, love.
2.
"Giving honor unto the woman, as unto the weaker vessel." To honor, to value her as choice china, a special,
delicate work of art.
3. "Being also joint-heirs of the grace of life." This suggests a valued spiritual
equality. He is to share with he the joys and burdens of serving Christ.
4. "That your prayers
be not hindered." By keeping his heart right, forgiving and serving, he will remain in relationship with Christ.
SUFFERING WIVES
What is abuse?
Ause
comes in many forms and in many colors. To define it reflects on the maturity of both husband and wife. What may be abusive
to one woman is seen by another as a normal requirement by her mate, as she considers his personal needs (e.g. iron his underware,
must have dinner on the table at 6 p.m., wife to be less educated than himself). U.S. law recognizes that
abuse may consist of: physical, verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse. Inflicting fear with words and gestures is also considered
abuse.
Webster's New World Dictionary - Abuse: v.t. to use wrongly; misuse. 2. To hurt by treating badly; mistreat.
3. To use insulting, coarse, or bad language about or to; scold harshly; revile. n. wrong, bad, or excessive use. 2. Mistreatment;
injury. 3. A bad, unjust, or corrupt custom or practice. 4. Insulting or coarse language. Adj. 1. Abusing; mistreating. 2.
Coarse and insulting in language; scurrilous; harshly scolding.
Batter: beat pound, strike, pummel.
Domestic Violence: brutality, savagery in the home.
Revile: impugn, malign,
slander. This word is used twice in 1 Peter (2:12; 3:16).
So what is spousal abuse and what is the profile
of an abuser?
Abuse can be present when either husband or wife manipulates the other with verbal (emotional)
crunching or physical harm. They are dominated by their need to control (power) and by an inability to handle their own anger.
Abuse will also exist where roles flip-flop. The hsuband is unwilling to lead (in any are, including financially) or the wife
desires power and control. Where drinking, drugs, affairs, gambling, etc. exist you will find abuse in the marriage.
What Causes Abuse?
Each of us need to recognize that abuse stems from a need for power and control
- whether recognized, or unrecognized! Motivators may be a fear of failure as a man, pride, ignorance, anger,or jealousy...and
the list goes on.
Domineering people will use every device possible to wi, even by twisting the scriptures to their
own destruction (2 Pet. 3:16). A husbnd will use Eph. 5:22 and browbeat his wife, insisting she has no option but to do whatever
he says, no matter how unreasonable. He delights in keeping his wife torn up emotionally, because the more vulnerable she
is, the easier she is to control.
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PHASE 1 –
Tension building ...
Anger, accusations, blame, silence,
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building...
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Reprieve
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Reprieve (calm)
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Tension building...
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etc.
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Tension building...
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Reprieve (calm)
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building...
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EXPLOSION
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Abuse is a CHOICE made by the husband (or wife). This is especially
seen because the husband will CHOOSE where and when and upon whom he will abuse. Past history may play an important part in
understandingpersonal beliefs and behavior, but it does not cause abuse. Abuse is not a required reaction to what is
said or done. Neither does anger cause abuse (Eph. 4:26). Notice Col. 3:8 We are to put away abusive speech (filthy communication
KJV) - Vines: Wantonness, licentiousness, lasciviousness. In Col. 3:8 abuse denotes any kind of base utterance, the utterance
of an uncontrolled tongue. A wife does not cause her husband to sin, but she may provoke him.
What can
she do?
She may be feeling like she is a bad person and a doormat. She may feel she can't seem to get and
keep friends. She's scared, angry, suspicious of not just her husband, but of those who are trying to help - she just
can't seem to trust what they are saying. She eats too much. She's afraid she herself will hurt her children. And
the list of hurt goes on and on...
What each of us needs to keep before us in order to maintain our faith and stand
in teh face of abuse is Jesus Christ - wherein is hidden "all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge"
(Col. 2:2-3). No one can delude us (2:4), or defraud us of our prize (2:18). So why would we want to submit to the commands
and teachings of men when they are contrary to what gives us strength???
ABUSE AND SUFFERING WIVES
(Part 2)
Joanne Beckley
SO WHERE DO I AS A WIFE BEGIN? (List
adapted from Patsy Rae Dawson's Survey on Spouse Abuse Among God's People)
- I need to identify the problem:
- How does he talk to me? (Never talks, gets angry and belittles, makes comparisons, blames me, yells,
curses, etc.) How often?
- Is my husband physically abusive? (Throws
things, grabs, slaps, bites, hits me, drives dangerously)
- Does
he fail to work to provide for the family?
- Spends money recklessly?
- Ignore my sexual needs?
- Restrict
me from worship services or associate with other Christians?
- Does
he flirt with other women or is he jealous when I speak to another man?
- Does he give me the silent treatment?
- When
did the abuse begin? (before marriage, honeymoon, 1st year, 5th year, etc)
- How does my husband deal with his abuse?
- Apologetic?
- Makes promises?
- Minimizes his actions?
- Threatens
me not to tell/leave?
- Isolates me from others?
- Expects me to clean up any mess he has created?
- Expects me to smooth over damage done to others?
- Asks
for the prayers of the Saints without admitting the problem?
- What
excuses do I make?
- "It's not as bad as it seems."
- "He's had a rotten childhood."
- "He was too tired/overworked."
- "He's
wonderful when he's not tired/drinking."
- "Friends
influence him."
- "I deserved it."
- Do I retaliate? (hitting, "push his buttons" on purpose to release the pressure,
bum his dinner, withhold sex) Matt. 5:44, Rom. 12:12-16
- What is
my emotional state?
- Full of guilt?
- Depressed (feeling hopeless, rejected, exhausted)?
- Bitter (resentful, feeling trapped)?
- Unable to make decisions?
- Considering divorce?
- Fearful
of losing sanity?
- Suicidal?
- Why am I remaining in this abusive situation? (Adapted from the Permian Basin Center for Battered
Women and Their Children material)
- I love my husband and
I can change him.
- I want to keep my family intact.
- I need his economic support.
- It's
my fault, I've earned his anger, I should be punished.
- The
church says I have to stay.
- If I leave, he'll become more violent.
- I believe it is wrong to leave my husband.
- Where is the solution? (Not all these solutions are
scriptural.)
- Should I avoid facing the problem whenever possible?
(Miss worship services, deception, cover-up)
- Should I confront
my husband? Prov. 9:8 warns us that wisdom demands consideration of retaliation.
- Should I leave my husband in hopes it will force him to straighten up?
- Should I recognize personal boundaries and exercise them?
- Should I appeal for outside help? (Parents, elders/preacher, older women, women's shelter, police, legal aid,
doctors, books) (Mt. 18:15-)
- Should I deny the whole situation
in order to face ongoing abuse with self preservation as a top priority? (A gradual process).
- What do I fear in asking for help?
- Embarrassment
- Lack of submission/not pleasing God
- Losing my faith
- My husband
may retaliate
- The elders/preacher will only sympathize with him,
or tell me to submit, no matter what
- If I seek help at a woman's
shelter, I'll just be told to jettison my faith.
What we can do as individuals to help our sister:
- Sympathize, lend an ear, stay in touch. For us to lose contact with her is to give the
abuser more control.
- Believe 1 Pet. 3:1-2! Encourage a meek and
quiet spirit in both of us.
- Know that humiliation and shame often
accompany those in an abusive relationship.
- Talk to the husband,
with caution and wisdom.
- Give book, chapter, and verse for all
our advice. Be careful to find the biblical principles.
- Place blame
accurately. Don't jump to conclusions: ask questions first.
- Understand
the dynamics of the spiral of violence. Don't stay ignorant. Get training.
- Confront her of danger being present. Offer temporary shelter.
- Help her seek community/legal help if it does not violate God's law.
- Help her restore her self-image. Focus on her strengths, yet help her to be
alert to the pitfalls contained in the doctrine of co-dependency used by social programs - must be balanced with service/submission
commanded by God.
- Encourage her to maintain her vows of marriage
- Mal. 2:14. (Adultery in the formula changes the equation.) Inner happincess, peace and contentment comes from obeying God.
- Above all, LISTEN! Don't take away from her what she can do herself.
- Know that this is a potential life and death situation; when in doubt, ask for advice.
- Couples' counseling won't stop the violence. Counsel one on one until spouse
is no longer violent.
What the church can do to help: - Elders must remain deeply concerned
for the souls they are commanded to care for.
- Educate leadership
about domestic violence. One important point must be made: Most experts believe that the batterer must be treated individually
- over an extended period of time. This treatment should take place as soon as a man has hit his wife. The best predictor
of future violence is past violence. Be aware that when a wife leaves her husband it is her most dangerous time. Battering
is about power and control in a relationship. He will panic, and be terrified of losing power, of being abandoned - and might
do anything to prevent that. (Amy Holtzworth-Monroe Ph.D., asso. professor of psychology at Indiana University, Ladies'
Home Journal, 10/94) It is reassuring to know that "most of the men we treat are not happy with themselves. They
want to stop, but they don't know how to get out." (Alan Rosenbaum Ph.D., asso. professor of psychiatry at the
U. of Mass. Medical School, Ladies Home Journal, 10/94)
- Sermons
on the role and responsibilities of husband/wife.
- Bible classes
on marriage responsibilities and also discussions concerning solutions for if and when relationships break down.
- Require the abuser to repent, naming his sin, Prov. 27:5.
- Require the abuser to get some type of help, i.e. study, counseling, etc.
- Follow u to see if the abuser has made real changes in his life.
- Discipline - to encourage repentance.
- Support
the penitent husband and the forgiving wife, 2 Cor. 2:6-7.
What is my response to offered help?
- Dependent on others to tell me what to do?
- Rely on others' strength instead of developing personal courage? (Developing courage takes time; be patient!)
- Continue to need constant advice and reassurance?
- Frequently begin a plan of action and then back out when my husband applies pressure?
INSTEAD...
- Realize that becoming a doormat happens gradually. Begin by making personal decisions
to help myself.
- Develop self-confidence as each little success develops.
- Learn to trust and rely on God.
- Learn
what is co-dependence and what is true servanthood.
- Have courage
to do what is right regardless of the consequences.
- Accept that
love includes doing what is best for my husband.
- Quit covering
up abuse.
- Takes steps to protect self and children from dangerous
situations.
- Insist that the abuser get help to permanently overcome
problem.
- Reject advise which advocates submitting to sin.
- Hold the abuser accountable for his sinful behavior.
- Believe: "I didn't cause it. I can't cure it. With God, I can cope with it."
My Toolbox
- Christ's example of submissiveness to the Father, abused by man.
- Example of other Christians, abused by man, Rev. 6:9; 2:13; Heb. 10:32-34.
- The whole armor of God, Eph. 6:10-17.
- Fear
of the Lord, not man. Isa. 8:13-17.
- There are no victims, there are only
volunteers who CHOOSE to accept or reject continued actions of another. Tim McGraw in his book, Relationship Rescue,
states that our relationships are the way they are because WE set them up that way. We teach each other how to behave by what
we expect and require.
What can help me know if he's really changing?
- He has stopped being violent or threatening you or others.
- He acknowledges that his abusive behavior is wrong.
- He understands that he does not have the right to control and dominate you.
- You can express anger towards him without feeling intimidated.
- He respects your opinion, even if he doesn't agree with it.
- He
keeps his promises to change.
Who is the sinner in an abusive marriage?
Obviously the one who is abusing his/her responsibilities in a marriage. Yet, since our efforts today are being
focused on what Christ expects of you and me, let us continue!
When we begin to change our attitudes towards ourselves,
the chances of being victimized decrease. We are not the CAUSE of our husbands losing control of their anger. We are not facilitators
or enablers. We do not make our husbands sin.
We do need to realize that if we present ourselves in blind obedience
to our husbands, without considering God's will, we then set them up as all powerful, with total control, and we become
victims. We have in essence robbed our husbands of their responsibility and ability to obey God's command to "live
with your wives in an understanding way..." (1 Pet. 3:7). When we yield in this way we need to recognize we are
no longer their "help meet." We have lost faith in God's ways and must now understand and accept ownership of
"pushing" buttons because of our self-perception of worthlessness.
We need to ask ourselves - Can we
face our own sinful attitudes? Let us put on Christ (Rom. 8:29) and accept the challenge Jesus issued: "Take my yoke
upon you and learn from Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Matt. 11:29)
How do we help our daughters recognize potential
abusers BEFORE marriage? Men who have the following faults/characteristics can be very charming and lovable. They
can be a lot of fun. They may bring presents, make lots of promises and sweet talk - and tell us what we want to hear...
- We MUST know his family's actions/attitudes toward women, marriage, power and anger.
- Can he express his feelings? Or is there only fire and fury?
- Does he downplay hurtful words/actions?
- Does he accept
the blame when he is at fault?
- Does he take responsibility for his own
actions?
- Does he change jobs frequently?
- Does he lack personal motivation and direction?
- Is
his behavior unpredictable?
- Does he keep his word when he promises to
change?
- Does he want to know about everyone you've talked to, where
you've been, who you were with, and why?
- Does he monitor your activities?
- Does he have few friends? Just you two, and no one else?
- Does he often strike out and hit a wall, kick a car, etc?
- And the list goes on. Marriage is so very special. Eyes open, please!
Suggestions for husbands who are abusive: (I list
the following to help us appreciate the hard work abusive husbands must accomplish in order to please God.) - Be courageous, be honest and take a hard look at your actions. Take responsibility for
your behavior and then ACKNOWLEDGE that the abuse is your problem, not your wife's.
- Understand that once the door opened in your mind to hit your wife, the door will never be quite closed
again. It is a very real consequence!
- Listen to what other men
say during counseling: "I only pushed her a little bit." Or, "I just held her arm." Or, "The police
listened to her side of the story, not mine." Once acknowledged, the men in the counseling sessions all claim that they
did not intend to frighten or hurt their victims. What was their intention? Control. And make stipulations. Don't say,
"She has to change and then I will."
- Know that you CAN
change but you will need help to do so.
- Know that being an abuser
is NOT who God created you to be. You learned this behavior; you can replace it by learning a better way to act.
- You too have the same resources in Christ as your wife does.
TWO IMPORTANT CONCERNS
Seeking help from
the legal system:
1 Cor. 6 discusses brother against brother and NOT using the legal system to solve problems
(sin). Does this passage allow a wife to seek civil aid in an abusive marriage?
For centuries the legal system
has allowed husbands what is called "the right of chastisement" over their wives. Today, physical assault, is against
the law and physical assault in the home is a crime. Are we disobedient to the government when we do not report an assault?
Should we?
Should we support the current political agendas? What about promoting NOW (National Organization for
Women) who are supporting the Wellstone/Murray Amendment which will require state to address the special needs of battered
women on welfare? This organization encourages wives to leave their husbands and let the State provide for their safety and
self-sufficiency.
One can see some very real dangers in handing our rights and our power to choose over to civil
authorities. Their choices may not allow for God's plan. Consider carefully.
Does 1 Cor. 7:10-11 exclude providing
protection for the wife, by appealing to the laws of the land?
Is separation an option?
Can
we leave our spouse (separation) when abuse is present? Can we leave in order to bring the abusive husband to repentance?
Separation is the same Greek word as divorce in the New Testament. Today, we make a distinction: legal separation - the husband
and wife not living together, though they are still married. Does 1 Cor. 7:10-11 give approval for a wife to leave her husband?
I understand this passage to mean no approval is given but regulates if the wife does leave her husband, she is to remain
unmarried, or else be reconciled. (Note "if she depart" phrase is the same construction as 1 John 2:1, Divorce
& Remarriage - What Does the Text Say? Donnie Rader) Do you know of a passage which can help us with separation/divorce
in the presence of physical/emotional abuse in a marriage that is approved by God?
Mark 3:4 emphasizes mercy and
saving lives over observation of the Sabbath. God's law sometimes supersede another when they are in conflict. Can the
principle be applied here? If a life-threatening situation can be applied her, why not just any abuse? Paul did not allow
forsaking the assembly because of persecution and this included fear of prison, life, etc. Does this command hold above preservation
of life because it is in worship to God? Consider the following verses: Prov. 29:25; Matt. 10:28; 16:26.
Can a
parallel be drawn of those who ran from abusive governments to preserve life? Paul escaped in a basket over the wall from
Jewish authorities. Can this compare wit breaking the marriage covenant by a wife/husband leaving their spouse?
Jay
Adams wrote in his book, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage, pp.33-4, "Modern separation settles nothing, it amounts to
a refusal to face issues and set them at rest...If she will only avail herself of the biblical means." He likens separation
to keeping all parties involved on the end of a line, "Playing them like a fish in the water dancing on its tail."
"Separation ignores 1 Cor. 7:5 and places both the husband and wife in temptation. Two people under separate roofs will
find it nearly impossible to solve problems that occurred when they are under the same roof. Separation, therefore, only widens
the gaps and deepens difficulties." (Jay Adams, quoted by Donnie V. Rader, Divorce & Remarriage, What Does the
Text Say? pp.68-69)
What about separation when physical abuse is present? Is it reasonable to say that when
one can provide this exception to separation/divorce without scripture, then the door is now open for any exception? Where
does the Christian draw the line?
CONCLUSION
May we all continue to search God's wisdom
with prayerful determination concerning His will. Marriage is a serious vow. It cannot be destroyed at our will. Mercy is
a part of God and we must demonstrate it with each other and with our husbands (Mark 3:4). Let me end with the same quote
Peter chose from Psalm 34 in 1 Peter 3:10-12:
He who would love life
And
see good days,
Let him refrain his tongue from evil,
And
his lips from speaking deceit.
Let him turn away from evil and
do good;
Let him seek peace and pursue it.
For the eyes of the LORD are on the righteous,
And
His ears are open to their prayers;
But the face of the
LORD is against those who do evil.”
20 warning signs that may show up early on in a relationship if a person is likely to be possessive, controlling, and violent
Vijai P. Sharma, Ph. D
Here are twenty warning signs that may show up
early on in a relationship if a person is likely to be possessive, controlling, and violent. If these signs appear in
the dating period, chances are that they will increase in severity as the time goes on, unless the person is treated by an
abuse-expert under court supervision. If you notice several signs in the courtship period, walk out before you are locked
into an unhealthy relationship. If there is evidence of verbal, emotional, or physical violence, one incident alone
is serious enough to warrant action. For convenience, the term "he" is used. Male readers may substitute
"she" for "he."
- Too
good to be true: In the courtship period, is he "sweeping you off your feet." If he is too
good to be true, then that's not who he really is. Has he become totally occupied with you, such as calling you
every hour just to "hear your voice," leaving and picking you up at work, doing things and activities you were doing
for yourself, and thus taking charge of your life?
- Temper
outbursts: Does he have outbursts of temper, such as cussing, throwing things or kicking doors, not necessarily
directed towards you, but towards anybody or anything?.
- Violent or demeaning language: Does he use derogatory terms for other women, such as, "broad,"
"chick," or "slut, etc.?
- Sexist attitude:
Does he have strong ideas about the place and position of women vs. men, For instance, does he insist that "women
should know their place." (*see my note below pg)
- Insults:
Does he put you down for your opinions or laugh at what you believe in? Does he make you feel stupid, ignorant, or incompetent?
- Psychological abuse: "You're
no good." Does he make you feel that you can't do anything right or that you can't get along in the world
without his help?
- Ridicule: Does he
make fun of you alone or in other people's presence?
- Rage
for past relationships: Notice how he talks about his ex- or previous dates. Is there a quality of rage
in his anger towards a previous relationship and does he call her names or use other insulting terms? Remember that
later he would be turning the same intensity of rage and insult towards you.
- Abusive background: Was he battered as a child or did he see his mother or sisters being hit
when he was a child? He may need a good bit of counseling before he can be free of the cycle of violence. Exception
to the rule is a man who says he was subjected to abuse and there is no way that he would do this to his partner or children.
- Blaming others: Does he have a habit
of blaming others for what he does or what happens to him?
- Alcohol
and drug abuse: Does he have a drinking or drug problem?
- Violence under the influence of alcohol or drugs: Does he become verbally or physically abusive
under the influence of alcohol and drugs?
- Verbal
or physical abuse towards public: Is he verbally or physically abusive towards others, like people in the restaurant,
other drivers on the street, people he comes in contact with, etc.?
- Excessively critical of you or your family: Does he say negative things about you or your
family
- Excessive sexual jealousy: Does
he "love you so much" that he can't "stand" you being in the company of other people?
- Possessive behavior: Is he unhappy or moody when you spend
time with your friends or family
- Restricting and controlling
behavior: Has he told you to not keep any contact with your friends and family?
- Jealous accusations: Has he jokingly or seriously complained that you were trying to attract
other men by the way you walk, dress, or behave?
- Checking
and tracking: Does he keep track of where you went, who you met, and how much time did you really spend?
- Use of force or coercion: Has he threatened
or actually hit you, or coerced you for sexual act even though he apologized profusely and made it up to you? That is
a serious sign. He is likely to repeat verbal and/or physical violence unless he clearly recognizes that violent behavior
is a serious problem, admits that not you but he has a problem, and willingly seeks treatment.
http://www.mindpub.com/
*This was not written from the view of the N.T., however, an abusive
man would go to the extreme and abuse God's law of women in subjection to the man. The same with the point of Jeaous
Accusations; a Christian man should point out if the female is dressing immodestly but an abuser would go to the extreme and
believe no matter how modest she dressed, she was trying to attract other men. pg
WEEDS THAT CHOKE A MARRIAGE By Cindy Granke
"Many people are astounded to find
out that love doesn't sustain itself effortlessly. In order to make love work, you have to work at loving. This requires
time and energy. Unless you give of yourself in love, you are unlikely to get much in return" (Family Circle 2/22/94).
A
marriage left untended provides little warmth, friendship, or refuge from the insanity outside it's doors. With
all the frustrations and disappointments we must deal with everyday, how sad if all we have to look forward to at home is
still more frustration and disappointment. With a little effort and cultivation, a marriage can develop
into a warm, loving relationship, which grows stronger and more rewarding over the years.
Some marriages never develop beyond the physical passion of youth. Spouses begin taking each other for granted, and
affection slowly declines. When childbearing and increasing age take their toll on physical attractiveness,
there is little left to keep the marriage alive. The spiritual warning to "take heed, lest ye fall" (1
Cor.10:12) could also be applied to husbands and wives, with regard to building a cohesive bond in their relationship
When "Home, Sweet Home" has become "Home, Blah Home," We may need to take a good look at ourselves. Have we been watering and nurturing what we planted when we first
fell in love, or have we neglected basic maintenance?
Simple courtesy is one of the first maintenance skills to suffer
from neglect in a marriage. It is no longer, "Honey, would you please be a sweetheart, and take out the garbage?"
and, "Thank you.” Instead it is, "Take out the garbage!"
It might even be, "Are you going to get this garbage out of here this month, or not?" Polite
terms like "please,” and “thank you,” become non-existent.
This seems to be a mutual ailment. How
soon a husband forgets that he said he wanted to protect and take care of his sweet young bride. He
was quick to open doors for her, and if she dropped anything, he picked it up with a smile. It’s amazing how simply
being married erases many men's eagerness to do these things for their wives. A husband may come
to view his wife as completely self-sufficient, perfectly capable of picking up after her own clumsy self. In
fact, he may think, "Now, she can start picking up after me!” How do we figure that out?
Because he drops his clothes wherever he happens to be standing when he takes them off. And
when he finishes his shower, leaving two inches of water and a sopping towel on the floor, he thinks to himself, "I
have a wife now. It’s her job to clean up after me!"
Unfortunately
many people have not yet learned that their marriages could be so much happier if they used a little sweetness in dealing
with one another. We must plant a crop, before it can produce fruit (2 Cor. 9:6). If we do not sow kindness, we are not likely
to reap any, either. Husbands and wives who shove manners and courtesy aside cultivate dangerous weeds
in their marriage relationship. Strangely, a husband who adopts the attitude that his wife's sole purpose is to serve
and obey him, and neglects treating her as he would like to be treated (Mt. 1:12), can't understand why she isn't
warm and receptive when he suddenly wants to make love.
By the same token,
the wife may translate her husband’s vow to cherish and love her as, “I’ll do everything you ask me
to do and you don’t even have to ask me nicely.” She neglects to ask, and maybe orders
him to do a task. Then she wonders why he isn't Mr. Enthusiasm when he walks in the door from work at night.
She begins to think the only way she can persuade her husband to do something is by nagging him. This
method of persuasion often has just the opposite effect, creating irritation. Many men react by digging
in their heels, and stubbornly determining to wait until they are good and ready. Is the task we want done
something that absolutely cannot wait, or something that we just want our husbands to do right away?
It is better to weigh it's importance before using it as construction material for building a wall between us.
Solomon, who had many wives, compared
the nagging woman to the annoying drip of a leaky faucet (Prov. 19:13). Delilah
was a prime example. She nagged Samson until he was "vexed unto death" (Jud. 16:16).
Have we not defeated our purpose, when we drive our husbands to the point where they would rather be anywhere other than at
home, with us?
There are better ways to accomplish what we want.
Esther prepared a feast of her husbands favorite foods to soften him up for her request (Esther 5, 7).
One woman told her granddaughter to "train"
her husband as she would a pet, with praise and rewards. While this may sound wacky, the principle is sound. Men and women
both respond much better to praise than to criticism and whining. Think about it – which is more
likely to motivate you?
Most of us find it easy to remember courtesy with our
friends, and even with strangers. It
seems it is only among those with whom we have the closest relationships that we allow
these things to slip away. Familiarity sometimes lends itself to taking each other for granted, which in turn breeds contempt.
Guard against this weed in your marital garden.
The neglect of genuine and sincere admiration can weaken a marriage, too. All human beings need
to feel appreciated and needed. Surveys reveal that a man will settle for a job which pays less, if he
is praised and feels appreciated there. That ought to give us a hint about our husbands’ needs, as
well as our own.
Don't neglect to tell your husband
what a great job he did repairing the dryer, or trimming the hedge. Tell him how proud you are of the way he handles this,
or does that. If you couldn't have accomplished a particular task without his help, tell him so.
Thank him for helping you wash the dishes, or fold the laundry. With the limitations of a chronic
illness, it is so very important to express our heart felt appreciation when our husbands do such tasks for us, especially
on days when we are weak and cannot manage.
Your husband especially needs to hear
that you need and want his lovemaking. The sexual egos of both men and women are fragile. Reassurance spells the difference
between adoration and uncertainty in the close bond which develops in the intimacy of the bedroom. A husband
will be totally devoted to a less than perfect wife who makes him feel that he is the most important and necessary thing on
earth to her. This is especially important when a wife is chronically ill and
is unable to make love the way that she used to be able to do. There are many ways to nourish closeness,
such as holding hands, lying close to each other and sharing words of love and appreciation.
(For more about intimacy when one or the other mate is ill or disabled, click on
the couple below to read Marriage – Aging and Intimacy, in the last issue of Our Hope Online, which
addresses that issue).
When personal appearance and hygiene are
neglected, another weed springs up that can choke out closeness between a husband and wife. It is true
that living in close proximity and waking up together necessitates seeing each other with tousled hair and morning breath,
but it’s not appropriate at 5:30 p.m. We are much more attracted to our mates
when they are obviously concerned that we see them at their best. When a husband keeps himself smelling
clean and keeps his hair neat, and his breath fresh, his wife knows that he cares about her and doesn’t want to be distasteful
to her. (Sol. 5:13,16). The same is true for the wife (Sol. 4:1-2, 11). Again, if either spouse is ill
or disabled in some way, some allowances need to be made for that. But making the effort to comb her hair,
or brush her teeth before welcoming her husband back home at night tells him, “You are important enough for me to
make an effort to look nice for you." Be realistic and understanding toward
each other though. Nobody feels like even getting out of bed, much less anything else if that person is
nauseated, in pain, or has a fever. At the same time we need to be reasonable about our
own expectations. If visitors are coming over, would I feel well enough to comb my hair; sweeten
my breath; or apply a little make-up? The same reasoning should apply to the knowledge that my husband
is coming home shortly. Yes, he loves me, but that doesn’t mean that he is blind or doesn’t
notice my lack of personal care.
Truthfully, some days those
of us with chronic illnesses are unable to function for the first few hours after we get up in the morning, and not able to
get up at all some days. I am fortunate enough to have a husband who willingly takes on some of the normal
chores when I can’t. One woman’s husband gets the children up, fed and off to school each morning.
When the children come home from school each afternoon, they come into the bedroom and climb on the bed with their
mother, and they talk about all of the children’s news from school. The wife told me that her goal
each day is to be able cook supper for her family. Anything more than that is icing on the cake, so to
speak. When we know we’ve done the best we can manage on those days when it’s so hard to function,
it will build our own self-esteem, and our husband’s appreciation for us.
Think about this. How much respect might
a wife feel for a husband who slouches around with his belly hanging out from under his smelly shirt, and has specks of collard
greens stuck between his teeth? Or for one who stands up to give her a nice, big kiss, belches loudly
and wipes his mouth with his sleeve, before he rubs his chin bristles across her face? Yuk!
Would she feel that he cared about her or respected her feelings? Of course not.
Both husbands and wives need to be diligent not to neglect this particular weed when it starts showing up in their
relationships. Of all our earthly relationships, the one we share with our
husbands should be the most valued and nourished. Yet with the passing of time these are often among the
least cultivated. Most of us realize we cannot behave in a selfish, hateful, or neglectful way, and expect
love to flourish. If weeds are starting to clutter your marriage, clean them out before they choke out
your garden. If you start being diligent again in watering, nourishing, and caring for it, your garden
may yet be able to yield a blue ribbon.
"A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)
"A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards."
(Proverbs 29:11)
Question: I am married
and have children My question is what if the weed in our relationship is one of my sons? My husband treats
him different than the others There is a huge difference with tone and discipline. We have been struggling with
this for years. I have to protect my son from his ugliness as much as I can, and my husband and I constantly fight
about it.
Children
Weeds or Flowers?
By
Cindy Granke
Perhaps
a good starting place would be to explain the analogy between a weed and disharmony which can wreak havoc in a marriage.
If you have done much gardening then you probably are familiar with such rogue plants as crab grass, and other invasive weeds
which send tiny tendrils out in every direction, robbing the soil of nutrients needed for desirable plants. Vines like
kudzu spread quickly, clinging to everything they touch and can literally choke plants and even small trees to death. We
don’t usually invite unwanted guests into our gardens. They are generally brought in by birds, animals, rain,
or on the wind. However sometimes we unknowingly plant something beautiful and find out too late that it was a huge
mistake. Several years ago I thought wisteria was something I just had to have in my yard. It was lovely and the
fragrance was so sweet. I foolishly didn’t read up on the plant. After all, it was easy to grow so I wouldn’t
have to worry about accidentally killing it the way I often do flowering plants. That wisteria is still beautiful when
it blooms but the vine has completely taken over an oak tree, and is popping up in odd places near other plants, trees, and
even around the foundation of my house. It’s a constant effort to try to prevent it from destroying things that
are valuable to me. Now I know the principle behind Jesus’ warning about considering the consequence before doing
such things (see Luke 14:28-32).
Think of your marriage or your family as
a garden. The equivalent of the weed or invasive, destructive plant in your marriage is discord, conflict or friction
which, if left untended will destroy your relationship. Having said all that, it is extremely
important to establish the fact that it is the behavior of the husband and/or wife that is the weed in a marriage. It
is attitudes and behaviors that are allowed to grow untended and unchanged that pose a threat to a family. A child is
never responsible or to blame for how and when he was conceived – be it accidental, from a previous marriage,
or due to adultery or fornication. Neither is he responsible or to blame for any
physical or mental condition that will require extraordinary care. Bitterness toward a child for such reasons is unfair
to the child and shows a lack of compassion or love for the innocent There
are many possible causes for the kind of behavior mentioned in the letter above. Sometimes a parent finds it hard to
accept or love a child the same way if that child is born with mental or behavioral disorders, or who will need constant
care for the rest of his life. Modern medical technology makes it possible to determine many prenatal conditions
so that the baby may be treated, in the womb and live. Such marvelous technology is also used to inform parents
if their unborn child has one of the conditions mentioned above, and is often offered as a reason for an abortion. Even
if the child is a result of a rape, it’s not the child’s fault. The child isn’t the one who should
be punished. The rapist is the one who needs to be punished. Yet in our society we kill the unborn child and put the
rapist in jail for years while he awaits a trial and several appeals, or is turned loose to do it all over again. Neither
Herod’s slaughter of infants nor the sacrifices of children to idols can compare with the cruel slaughter of unborn
infants in the US over the past three decades.
I don’t know the circumstances which led to the situation with our reader’s
husband and son. But I do know that the boy desperately needs a father to love him and teach him. How sad when
the father in his life treats him disparagingly and differently from his other children.
I have
some suggestions specifically for our reader in this situation. They may not take care of the problem since it
has evidently been ongoing for some time. But there are a couple of things that must change in the parents'
relationship, or things are going to become much worse.
First of all, if both of you cannot agree to have these conversations in private, then one of you
must take the responsibility to keep these disagreements from escalating into upsetting confrontations in front
of the child. Make that in front of the children. The other children hear and see the difference
in their brother's treatment, and their feelings and behavior are bound to be affected, too. In your situation,
I suspect the responsible one is likely going to be you, the child’s mother. I know this is not an easy
thing. We mothers tend to be like a mama bear when it comes to protecting our cubs from physical
or emotional pain. You’re going to need courage and self-control to accomplish what needs to be done.
No one else can provide those for you. However God will help you if you pray diligently about
your situation and ask Him to help you. While you are praying, don’t forget to pray for your
son, and especially for your husband, that he will listen to your plea and reasoning and change his behavior toward your son.
I commend to you the following
statements from the wise man, Solomon. You might write them on an index card and keep it in your pocket
to pull out when you need reminding.
Last,
but not least, do make sure to hug and praise all three of your children. Try to keep a balance of your
affection and the way you treat all of them. But make opportunities to encourage your oldest child and
to build his self image. Show him you are proud of him and the good things he accomplishes.
The way your husband treats your son will likely have lasting effects throughout his life, but the encouragement and
love you give him will also have lasting effects. I hope your husband will see that the boy needs him to
be a daddy and needs his approval.
Let us think of our children as the prized flowers
in our family garden. Their beauty and purity are blessings to be loved and protected from weeds that find their way
into the garden and seek to destroy or smother their character and growth.
My personal thanks to the Our Hope Online
reader who created the opportunity for this article by sharing her problem, and I lovingly encourage her to seek counsel from
Christians who can help, or can recommend someone who can help her husband and her to work through these problems before it
is too late for their marriage and for their son.
*(Ken R. Wells citing Children's Health Encyclopedia. ©
2006) Fathers, provoke not your
children to anger, lest
they be discouraged. Colossians 3:21
Children Learn
What They Live
by Dorothy Law
Nolie
If a child lives with criticism,
he learns to condemn.
If
a child lives with hostility,
he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule,
he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with fear,
he learns
to be apprehensive.
If
a child lives with shame,
he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance,
he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement,
he
learns to be confident.
If
a child lives with acceptance,
he learns to love.
If a child lives with recognition,
he learns it is good to have a
goal.
If a child
lives with honesty
he learns what truth is.
If a child lives with fairness,
he learns justice.
If a child lives with security,
he
learns to have faith in
himself and
those about him.
If
a child lives with friendliness,
he learns the world is a nice place
in which to live to love and be
loved.
Ten Commandments For
A Successful Marriage
Judge
Joseph Sabbath, after twenty year's experience in presiding over what he called "the nightmare world of the divorce
courts," framed ten commandments of a successful marriage which, he predicted, could prevent at least ninety percent
of marital smashups.
1. Bear
and forbear. 2.
Work together, play together, and grow up together. 3. Avoid the little quarrels, and the big ones will take care of themselves. 4. Compromise (give and take).
It
is the antitoxin of divorce. 5. Practice sympathy, good humor, and mutual understanding. 6. Don't grouch before breakfast or after it. 7. Respect your "in-laws," but
don't criticize them or take criticism from them. 8. Establish your own home, even in a one room flat. 9. Fight for each other, but not with
each other. 10. Build
your home on religious faith, with love and forgiveness as the watchword. from Whit Sasser's “Exhortations & Stuff”
A Reuben Marriage By
Steve Fontenot
Reuben, Simeon, and Levi
marriage? Now, we've heard of a "Reuben sandwich," but a "Reuben marriage"? Leah had one. "And Leah conceived and bore a son and named
him Reuben, for she said, 'because the Lord has seen my affliction; surely now my husband will love me.' Then she
conceived again and bore a son and said, 'because the Lord has heard that I am unloved' So she named him
Simeon. And she conceived again and bore a son and said, 'Now this time my husband will become attached to me'
Therefore he was named Levi" (Gen. 29:32-34).
"Surely now my husband will love me" cannot refer to sex--she had that. "I am unloved"? Did not Jacob provide her
housing, food, clothing? Is that not "love"? It is, and it is important. But something was lacking. There is another
kind of love--a love she needed and wanted.
"Become attached"? But wasn't she married to Jacob? What does she mean? She felt Jacob was "detached."
Not legally--they were married. Not physically--they had children. "Detached" - "3. Marked by an absence of
emotional involvement and an aloof, impersonal objectivity" [American Heritage Dictionary, Third Edition]. Is
there another kind of "love"--a love of emotional attachment...? "Romance" - "1.b. Ardent
emotional attachment or involvement between people, especially that characterized by a high level of purity and devotion;
love: They kept the romance alive in their marriage for 35 years" [Ibid]. I don't know how this may have been reflected in their culture.
Today, it may be in such simple things as holding hands, enjoying a walk together, time for chitchat, a gentle touch, "sweet
nothings" whispered into the earwell, you can use your own imagination. A Reuben sandwich--good. A "Reuben marriage,"
i.e., "cut the romance"--not good. "Reuben," "Simeon," and "Levi"--names
that stand as testimonials to what this woman (and many women today) wanted so badly but did not have. Remember men, the Lord
"sees" (Reuben) and "hears" (Simeon) the "affliction" of a woman that longs for such "attachment"
(Levi).
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