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Missing
Many Worship Services - The Heartache of Doubt
by
Chuck and Pat Gates
Since
I began this publication in 1994, the heartache I hear about most often from women who live with invisible chronic illness
is when others doubt the extent of her disability and they believe she isn't trying hard enough to (1) be more active
(2) keep the house clean (3) attend all the worship services. The worst pain is #3, when Christians question why a (faithful)
woman is missing so many services when "she looks so good."
This page is to try and help
with this situation. Yes, there may be a few women who have allowed themselves to grow weaker spiritually, but the majority
of women who have become chronically ill have grown more spiritual-minded; they are more dependent on God and have learned
priorities of what is important in this life. A woman who was truly faithful before illness very seldom becomes
unfaithful after illness strikes, yet many are misjudged as spiritually weak because they miss a great deal of worship services.
Doubts arise of the legitimacy of her complaints because she doesn't look ill.
This doubting is especially
painful if it the husband. My husband never doubted me from the beginning so I asked him if he would write something for husbands
who may be having problems believing their wife has to miss the amount of worship services she does. From that I decided to
go ahead and expand on this topic.
On this page we will cover:
- Help for husbands
who may be having trouble believing their wives' extent of disability.
- How we feel when we miss many services.
- What we wish others would do if they do not believe we are sick enough to be missing
so many worships services and Bible classes.
Please
let me know if you would like to add anything to these lists. I am going to keep this page in archives because this continues
to be a problem with some and I would imagine will always be a problem when it comes to invisible chronic illness.
(1) Are you having a difficult time believing your chronically
ill wife has to miss so many worship services?
by Chuck Gates
If
this is the case, here are some questions that may help:
- Before your
wife became ill was she actively working for the Lord?
- Before your wife
became ill did she love the Lord?
- Before your wife became
ill was she spiritually minded and a faithful disciple of the Lord?
- Before your wife became ill was she a dedicated student of the word?
- Before
your wife became ill was she always pure, honest and trustworthy?
- Did your wife enjoy
being with the saints before she became ill? Was she hospitable?
- Although
she may not express it each and every time, have you observed her obvious disappointment when she can't attend services?
- Has she been an encourager to others and don't you think
when she has to miss services she is sorry she is hindered in this?
- Do you observe her physical limitations during the week and see their ebb and flow?
- Is your wife unable to do things today that she use to love to do that wasn't of a spiritual nature? For instance,
did she love to shop and now unable to do it as much as she use to? Did she do other things in the past she can no longer do
today or has to limit herself in these things? Wouldn't this hold true with meeting with the saints?
- Hasn't Life taught you that just because you have not experienced
or understand a certain thing doesn't mean it isn't real or true? Have you experienced, personally, your
wife's illness? Can you completely understand her sorrow over what she has lost? Can her disability be real, even if you
have not gone through it yourself?
- Shouldn't we think
the better and not the worst, striving to help the other to heaven? In the workplace have you ever had
a boss or a customer misjudge your intent, not understanding your motive and rather than think the best, think the worst?
How did that make you feel? Did you feel defensive? Angry? Alone? Did you feel motivated or discouraged? When you misjudge
your wife and doubt what she tells you, how are you making her feel?
If your wife was trustworthy and faithful before she became ill, this shows what her character
was. What changed? Do you think that illness is going to take that all away and almost overnight she becomes the opposite
of what she was?
We should love our
wife, believe her and want to see her continue to grow in Christ. We should be to her that which she is to us, the one
who is helping us get to heaven. If we refuse to acknowledge her physical infirmity or reject her word how can we
say we love her and in what way have we shown Christ living in us? Our wives need us to be a friend and an ally,
a protector, not a judge and critic.
Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself
for her that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself
a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that should be holy and without blemish.
Eph. 5:25-27
 (2) How We Think and Feel When We Miss
Many Meetings With the Saints
by Pat Gates
1. We miss the opportunity to worship God in the
manner He taught us in His word.
2. We miss out on great spiritual encouragement and strength we need
to get through the daily struggles of the coming week.
3. We miss out on sharing the great love of the
Lord's sacrifice with our spiritual family as they remember Him in partaking of the Lord's
supper.
4. We miss out on our spirit being uplifted with God's people as hearts and voices are united
in singing hymns.
5. We miss out on praying with God's people, which is such a blessing.
6. We
miss seeing people we love and care deeply about.
7. We miss out on the encouraging words we hear
from our brothers and sisters.
8. We may feel separated, at times, from our spiritual
family as we are often unaware of what is happening in their lives.
9. We are sometimes embarrassed in
conversations because we don't know an important event that has happened with an individual weeks or months ago, whether
good or bad. It makes us wonder if they think we don't care about them.
10. We introduce ourselves
to "visitors" when we do get to meet with the saints and find out these "visitors" have been a part
of the congregation for months.
11. We introduce ourselves to people and find out we did that once or
twice before but there had been weeks of our absence and we can't remember who we met and who we didn't.
12. We feel lonely when we miss a lot. We miss out on forming new or deeper friendships.
13. When we
were first ill we use to worry all the time what others thought when we missed so much because when we were
at services we didn't look sick. Now we know the one we have to please is God and He knows our heart and our
abilities and disabilities.
14. Once in a while, years later #13 isn't true. We still worry what others are
thinking.
15. OK, truthfully, at least once a week we may wonder what others think. But it is true that we have
learned to not let this bother us most of the time and we really do think in terms of pleasing God and taking comfort
that He knows us.
16. We want to strengthen those who are there who don't get the attention they need and it
bothers us that we are unable.
17. We appreciate the worship service when we are able to attend,
more than we ever have in our lives. When we do meet with the saints we feel like we are the happiest people
there. If it was our choice, we would always be there.
18. We are so grateful when we are part
of a congregation of God's people who joyfully welcome us back and no one in the congregation gives us
reason to think they doubted the reason for our absence.
19. It comforts us to know we have a husband who trusts us
and has compassion on us when we miss worship service.
20. Most of all, we know we always have our
Lord nearby, who understands our body and our spirit and is ever willing to help us endure the disappointment
when we can not meet with the saints.
(3) What we wish others would
do and think when they doubt we are sick enough to be missing as many worship services and Bible classes as we do. Pat Gates
- Judge us by what you know our
character to be, even if our life, to you, doesn't make sense. Do you know us as a
spritually weak person who would be striving to find excuses not to worship God and be with His people? Do you know us
as liars, or rather someone who is and has been trustworthy?
- Research our
illness or talk to us about it. Get to know our symptoms.
- Understand that
our symptoms come and go or remain, but the severity of them may change.
- Understand
that no two people are alike and illness affects each one differently.
- Keep in
mind we miss out on other things during the week that are not of a spiritual nature that we would like to participate
in.
- While we look healthy and strong when you see us at worship service
on Sunday morning, please be aware that we are usually drained by the time we get home and may even take a day or
two to recover.
- Please don't talk about us to other people and explain
that you're not sure why we miss so many services but you go on to explain what you think
rather than what you know. Suggest to them that they ask us why we miss; we will not take offense if they ask, we
will be relieved.
- Whenever we say, "Sunday morning wore me out so I couldn't
make it Sunday night," please don't say, "Yes, I'm always tired Sunday night as well." Our
fatigue is not the same as your's, it is debilitating and while there is no way you can understand this, you need to trust
us that it is unlike anything you've experienced.
- Just believe us. Isn't
it better to take a chance on believing us, rather than making the mistake of misjuding a faithful individual and giving us
added pain?
- Know our lives are not what we would have chosen, we would be more
than happy to have your ability to meet with the saints everytime the doors are open.
- This was submitted by a reader. Good point! "Some symptoms are too personal or too embarrassing to reveal
to the entire congregation. (I'm thinking of a friend who misses frequently because she suffers chronic diarrhea,
etc -- do you think she wants to say that to everyone?)"
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"But you look
so good!"
Blessing or condemnation?
"But you look so good!"
Acceptance or denunciation?
"But you look so good!"
Understanding or reprobation?
"But you look so good!"
Compliment
or accusation? -Pat Gates
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