Learn to Live with Negative Thoughts/Emotions

Learn to Live With Negative Thoughts and Emotions TOPICS OF DISCUSSION: Source of Negative Thoughts and Emotions Biological Learned Behavior Stressful situations whether chronic or acute Sin A NOTE FROM PAT - PLEASE READ THIS SECTION FIRST   In the past couple of months, I've received several notes telling me about your experience with depression and mental or personality disorders. My son, who is about to receive his doctorate in neuropsychology, has suggested that I speak more in general terms as a sister in Christ giving encouragement rather than responding to specific disorders, as everyone is different and I don't know the readers personally and what their individual needs are. This is true and I can see the wisdom in that, but at the same time, I don't want to respond in too general of terms to where we lose the personal connection. What I have decided to do is to begin a series on how to live with negative thoughts and emotions and address some specific problems you have mentioned, as one sister in Christ to another. In essence I will speaking in regards to self-control in our thoughts and actions, even when physical problems or stresses create feelings and emotions we can't help. While I know, from personal experience, how painful depression can be that stems from organic and inorganic sources, I am not a professional, nor have I experienced the mental disorders many of you are living with. I am by no means a Christian who says all mental problems can be cured with scripture as there are biological mental problems that require a doctor's care, just like any other physical disease. There is negative thinking that we have learned or is brought on by circumstance that can be greatly helped by God's direction in His word and this requires the strength of self-discipline. Either way, I do believe scripture and the wisdom gained from it, can help every one of us live a better life, whether our depression or mental illness stems from disease or learned behavior. The approach I'm going to take  is how to live with negative thoughts and emotions by using scripture as well as a common sense. . Learn to Live With Negative Thoughts and Emotions Perhaps you may think I've been very pessimistic in my choice of the title of this series and think I should reword it with "How to Rid Yourselves of Negative Thoughts and Emotions." While I will discuss times we can and must rid ourselves of negatives, in reality, many of us live with illness that may produce negative feelings and/or we live in a daily, stressful situation that is outside our control, whether it be illness, grief, or abuse from others. I am going to take my time with this discussion and it may cover several months. Please feel free to send comments any time. The most important tool to help in our inner struggles is using the power of the word of God. I covered this topic on the Chronic Illness page. Please read that article first. The second topic I want to cover is learning to distinguish the source of our negative thoughts and emotions. It will take self-awareness and honest examination of the source to be able to distinguish whether we can rid ourselves of the negative or learn to live with it the best way we can. Source of Negative Thoughts and Emotions Biological Disease, syndromes, and sometimes medication can produce emotions we can not help. A few examples of physical illness that may produce depression or other negative emotions are: Heart disease, stroke, bipolar syndrome, fibromyalgia, multiple sclerosis, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, autism, thyroid disease, along with many others. It is my own personal belief that, to a degree, all illness may produce some sort of negative feeling/emotion as the body struggles in such a manner as was not intended and created by God. Hormones, chemical miscommunication, the immune system, and many of the body's defenses we may not even know about are working overtime or have ceased working to the degree they were intended to so do. An example of some of of the negative emotions we may experience is depression, sadness, nervousness, anger, paranoia, fear, and in some cases a total lack of emotions. Learned Behaviors A learned behavior is an acquired response that is under the control of (conditional on the occurrence of) a stimulus, whether internal or external. It is the manner in which a person acts or performs, deliberate or habitual. Certain emotions become automatic and natural to the one who has emotionally responded to stimulus in the same manner over a period of time. Sin Sin is lawlessness. Negative emotions that are produced by a sinful attitude of hatred, selfishness, and a total lack of self-control is sin. The guilt of sin can produce such negative emotions in us that it can bring on severe depression and even physical symptoms. Chronic worrying can cause all kind of havoc in the mind and body. On-going lack of self control will manifest itself in various mental and physical problems. Self-Control of Negative Thoughts and Emotions In biological illness Much of what is labeled "mental illness" has a true biological source in that there are changes in the brain and body that are pathological (disease related). For these I don't really like the term "mental illness" because it implys the illness is created by wrong thinking, rather than a physical cause, but unfortunately it is the accepted terminology in psychiatry. Physical dysfunction of the brain or body and some medications can have symptoms that create negative emotions such as depression, fear, anger, paranoia, or even apathy. The person can't help these feelings and the feelings are not sin. In some cases such as stroke, brain injury, or Alzheirmer's, the person may not be able to distinguish between right and wrong, therefore their actions are not sin. Some of us who have illnesses or take medication that cause depression or other negative feelings may not be able to help the feelings but we do have the cognitive ability to know right from wrong and this is when we need to learn to accept the negative feelings and put them in their proper place as best we can. It is a continual battle of wills - the will of depression fighting against the will of the rational man. The rational part of us needs to use whatever tools work to keep the negative thoughts and emotions from taking over and ruling our lives. Feeling guilty about them and always trying to rid ourselves of them is not the answer when they stem from an organic source. Learning the right tools to keep them on the back burner and using these tools is the answer. How to Live with Negative Thoughts and Emotions For Those Who are Chronically Ill (Chronic illness stemming from a biological source, whether it be brain/body or both) The Word of God This will always be the #1 tool to use for self-control. It fits mankind so perfectly because it was made for man - sounds obvious, doesn't it? But how often do we truly accept it into our lives and use it as a manual for a better life? The word not only encourages us, but disciplines us and that is exactly what we need when negative feelings are distressing our spirit. "Your word I have hidden in my heart, that I might not sin against You," Psalm 119:11. "The law of his God is in his heart; none of his steps shall slide," Psalm 37:31. Prayer. Pray for help and strength to persevere in self-control and patience. "Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray," James 5:13. In Matthew 26:36-39 we read of Jesus' prayer during a time of great suffering: "Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to the disciples, “Sit here while I go and pray over there.” And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and He began to be sorrowful and deeply distressed. Then He said to them, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with Me." He went a little farther and fell on His face, and prayed, saying, “O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.” Notice Jesus did not excuse himself in any way to commit sin or disobedience to His Father, even though he was "deeply distressed." His attitude was one of God's will be done, even when He was bombarded with negative emotions. While we may not be able to help the impatient, nervous, and/or depressed feelings our illness is causing, we need to strive to practice self-control in our thoughts and behavior and not allow ourselves to excuse sinning in our thoughts or actions. Let's pray for self-control and rational thinking. Learn the source of negative emotions. Learn to distinguish if your negative emotions of depression, impatience or anger is stemming from a physical source or an emotional response to your illness. I know this is difficult. Most of the time I can tell when my depression or "nervousness" is physical as it goes hand in hand with the more severe fatigue or with my inability to handle too much stimulus, however, sometimes I realize it's just a matter of being tired of living with chronic fatigue. Once in a while I find it difficult to distinguish which it is, perhaps because it's both.  Either way I need to keep the depression and impatience at bay and use the proper tools to either combat it or learn to live with it, without sinning. I need to try my best to think rational and work on my spirit ruling over the flesh. Take medication if needed. Please take medication if needed - taking medication to help physical symptoms, including depression is not wrong and anyone who says it is, is just plain ignorant of the fact that depression and impatience can, indeed, stem from an organic source. If you have "mental" illness and medication helps you function better, why stop it? I hear of people who are bipolar or schizophrenic who begin feeling better so they stop their medication and then their symptoms worsen. I, myself, don't like taking any type of medicine, but if I was lucky enough to find something to help me function I would gladly take it. Yes, I understand side effects and that is something to consider, but if you lose touch with reality or cause harm to yourself or your family, please don't skip the medication. (I am aware just like any medication for any physical problem, some individuals don't respond to it or have adverse affects.) And for those of you who are dealing with very stressful situations and find yourself depressed or have difficulty with functioning, please don't hesitate to try an antidepressant. I'm on one and I know respected Christian men and women who have become so stressed with outside forces they can't help, who took antidepressants for a period of time and it helped them cope and become more functional. Antidepressants don't tranquilize you. Unless you are one who has adverse effects from antidepressants (some do), you can't even tell you are on anything -- they make you more clear-headed, rather than cloud your thinking. Now, not all antidepressants work for all individuals; sometimes you have to find the right one and with some people, antidepressants are not the answer. Antidepressants will not work if you are of the mindset you don't have to work on your thinking and your life and that a pill is the answer to all your problems. It doesn't work that way. It's this mindset where some people get very despondent because they believe a  pill will cure all their negative thinking - it won't. Antidepressants don't equal sin. Ongoing stress creates negative changes in the brain as well as the physical body. What bothers me is how unaccepting Christians can be sometimes in the fact the brain can go through physical changes, just like the body. In their mindset, it's OK for the body to change, but not the brain. For instance, I have been a caregiver for my child, my father, and my mother in some very intense situations since the year 2000. My stress level has been high year after year, not due to a lack of faith and worry, but due to difficult circumstances I have been placed in, often life and death situations. I can easily admit to others that the stress has caused my regular illness to flare up and if I develop heart or stomach problems, I'm sure I'll get sympathy and acceptance that it is no wonder with what I've gone through. However, if I were to say I deal with chronic depression due to the stress, I may be viewed as spiritually weak, not having enough faith, and not practicing self-control. For this reason I kept my antidepressant a secret, but as you see, I no longer do that as I'm not ashamed of taking one and God knows my heart, as well as my body. Stress creates changes in the brain as well as the body and it's just as innocent to take an antidepressant as it is blood pressure medicine.   Self-Control. Nervousness and weakness from illness can cause us to feel impatient. One of my most difficult battles with chronic illness is controlling my tongue when I feel weak and nervous. My muscles around my mouth and jaw are weak and talking isn't easy and while I may not say anything wrong, the way I say it is impatient sounding and rude. I sound like I'm upset with the person when I'm not. While I can't help the feelings I have, I need to use self-control and fight the urge to speak short and impatient. And if I do, I need to apologize. When depression comes, whether it's organic or due to times of frustration with symptoms, we need to practice controlling our thoughts. Fight the lies depression wants us to believe. When we find ourselves constantly thinking negative thoughts about ourselves, about life, and about others we need to tell ourselves, "STOP!" We need to pray for self-control and try our best to distract our mind with something good. We also need to force rational thoughts into our mind as depression tends to think very irrational. We need to remind ourselves that we do think rational when the depression leaves and our negative thinking is just a product of depression, it isn't real. We can also talk to someone we trust and ask them to help us "see" clearly in the dense fog of negative thinking and feelings. And sometimes we may need to be alone when our senses are working overtime and out of control. Daily exercise rational thought and self control. We must never allow ourselves to wallow in negative thinking. We must keep our armour on and continually fight the depression, even when we begin to feel the battle fatigue. The ill never have an excuse to sin in thought, word, or deed when they can use self-control. Those of us who are ill and have the ability to distinguish between right and wrong, need to learn to live with our negative emotions, putting them in their proper place, not using them as an excuse to sin. Yes! It's very difficult and I believe the ill have some of the most difficult temptations in life because the spirit has to battle feelings and emotions that can't be helped and the spirit must learn to control these emotions. It is a daily, sometimes lonely battle that has its victories and, sometimes, defeats. We must perseverance to where we immediately get up after a defeat, learn from it, and put the battle gear back on for if we don't, Satan is ready to pull us into despair. LEARNED BEHAVIOR Pat Gates  "I buffet my body and make it my slave, lest possibly, after I have preached to others, I myself should be disqualified" (1 Cor. 9:27).        Learned behavior is an acquired response that is under the control of (conditional on the occurrence of) a stimulus. Such as:         Habituation: A decrease in response to a stimulus after repeated presentations. For example, you may move to a house located near a train track. At first you heard every train that went by and lost sleep because of it, but eventually you become use to the sound and your response diminishes.        Sensitization is the process of becoming highly sensitive to specific events or situations (especially emotional events or situations). Sensitization is an increase in the response to a harmless stimulus. For example, you may tear up and feel your stomach tighten every time you hear a certain song that isn't particularly sad, but it had played on the radio during a difficult time in your life.        Simply put, we react to what we have learned and experienced. This reaction becomes involuntary, but that doesn't mean it's uncontrollable and can not be altered by self-awareness and self-control. Take the examples above: While the brain has learned to ignore the sound of the train, the person does have the ability to pay attention to the sound of the train and be aware when it passes. Also, in regards to the song that brings sad emotions, the person can reason within themselves that even though the song may stir up bad memories, the song itself isn't sad, and rational thinking and self-control will prevent dwelling on the memories. Source of Negative Learned Behavior Negative learned behavior can manifest itself in simple ways such as little quirks you've learned from your family or it can get much more complicated and manifest itself in various habits in negative behavior, speech, expressions, and viewpoints. It can present itself in irrational fears, self-deprecation, and negative thoughts and behavior which came as a result of a highly stressful experience, ignorance of parents, growing up in a dysfunctional family, and may be due to physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. What About OCD? In regards to Obsessive Compulsive disorder and learned behavior, doctors don't know the exact cause of OCD. Some researchers theorize that its cause is biological, while others feel the disorder stems from learned behavior. Still others believe the cause of the disorder may be both biological and environmental factors. While I'm not a professional by any means, I believe it can be caused by both. I believe it can be physical, whether it's genetic (I've known of toddlers having compulsions that was not present in the parents) or associated with a brain syndrome or brain injury.  I believe it can also be from learned behavior. I sometimes have to fight compulsions of checking the stove and iron, curling iron etc. before I go somewhere, even if I just checked them. This stems from the fact when I was younger I left a pot on the stove and when I returned the house was full of smoke. It scared me so much that I check and sometimes over-check to make sure appliances are off. Recently someone told me they over-wash their hands because it was impressed upon them so much by their mother that while they recognize they don't need to wash as much as they do, the learned behavior made such an impression they feel better if they wash. Can Negative Learned Behaviors Be Controlled or Changed? If the learned behavior is negative thoughts, speech, and actions that have become automatic and habitual, I believe, with mental and spiritual work a person can change the negative into positive or learn to live with a better outlook (such as in extreme trauma).  The reason I can't give a simple "yes" to this question is that negative childhood experiences and trauma can be so ingrained in an individual certain stimulus triggers an automatic thought or feeling that reminds them of the trauma. While the negative thought and feeling may be there for the rest of the person's life, with self-awareness and rational thinking, more self-control can be practiced so that the memory and subsequent feelings do not take over their life and cause complete dysfunction. It means they learn to live with the negative and survive with hope, love, and faith.  Living with negative memories is not a sin, if it were, the apostle Paul could not have been used by God. Living with negative memories in the proper way, is to look at the past, present, and future as God has revealed in His word. Again, Paul is a good example. In Philippians 3:13-14, Paul tells us how he deals with past, present, and future: "Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." The Past: Forgetting it. Not in the sense Paul forgot what he did (imprisoning and having Christians murdered), but in the sense he humbly recognizes his Lord's mercy by giving him salvation by the blood of Christ. He concentrates on his gratitude and servitude to Christ, rather than allowing his thoughts to dwell on his sinful past that could crush his spirit. The Future: He reaches forward to those things are ahead, keeping hope ever before him. The Present: He daily presses on towards his goal. How to Live with Negative Thoughts and Emotions from Learned Behavior The Word of God As I've stated before, scriptures will help us no matter what the source is for our negative thoughts and emotions. However, we must believe with all our heart that the word is powerful and that God knows what's best for the spirit of mankind. If you have a defeatist attitude that nothing can help you, then you won't gain anything from God's word and you will be missing out on your most important "therapy." The Bible will help us as we learn to cope with negatives as well as rid ourselves of some learned negatives.  Examine self and learn to recognize the source of negative learned behavior When is the last time you took a good, honest look at yourself? Notice I said the word "honest." I don't know if there is a human being alive that hasn't deceived themselves in some form, whether it is seeing themselves better than what they are or seeing themselves worse than what they are. Self-examination is a must when it comes to good mental and spiritual health; it must be done daily and if it isn't done in humbleness, honesty, and an attitude of wanting to better yourself it will be useless. Self-examination doesn't mean a cut-down session nor does it mean a time to make excuses for habits we have no desire to change. If the source of negative learned behavior is the way you were raised by your parents there are a few suggestions I have in regards to your attitude: Don't allow anger towards your parent to escalate. All of us have learned some sort of expression or habit from our parents which may not cause any problems in our lives, but many of us may have learned some things that are disruptive and painful. As examples, we may have learned to be very shy because we were told over and over when we were young we were shy and perhaps even put down for it which created more shyness and lack of self-confidence. Some may have been raised by parents who did not practice self control in their emotions and actions, therefore the child grew up to be an angry adult or self-indulgent and irresponsible. No matter where on the spectrum you fall in regards to negative learned behavior from your parents, allowing anger towards them to escalate will only hinder you in your ability to change your behavior. Be forgiving towards your parents. Often mistakes in parenting are made in ignorance and as they grow older they recognize their lack of wisdom or self-control and regret the mistakes they made with their children. Have confidence that if it is learned behavior, you can change your behavior. I'm not saying this is easy to do, in fact, it may be one of the most difficult things you will ever do. You may be 50 years old and react in such a manner as you learned when you were a toddler. Your brain has been programmed to react immediately to a certain stimulus, however, the brain can be reprogrammed and it doesn't have to take 50 years to do so. Changing automatic reactions takes awareness, exercise, self-discipline, and a true desire to change; if you leave off one of these, change will not take place. If you have the attitude, "I've been like this all my life and it's just a part of me that I can't change," then in reality you have the attitude, "I've been like this all my life and I don't want to go through the effort to change." Compulsions, fears, disappointments and such may always be there to a certain extent. There are many who have gone through a traumatic childhood and the stimulus that prompts bad memories may remain in some form, therefore memories may always be there. However, with awareness, mental exercise, self-discipline, and rational thinking, the fears and other negative behavior can greatly improve. If a person grew up without affection from a parent, a sad, disappointed memory may remain throughout her life, however, with rational thinking, thoughts can be controlled and the mind focused on better things. "With God all things are possible." "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." If you don't believe those two statements, then you are missing out on the greatest help you can receive when it comes to the ability to change. It doesn't matter if you have learned to overeat, have learned shyness, or came from a highly dysfunctional family and now live with dysfunction yourself due to negative learned behavior, with faith in God's help and a willingness to listen to His word, you can either completely overcome your negative behavior or you can learn to live with it in such a way as to be happier and more productive. If you have learned negative behavior due to abuse from a husband or presently live in any negative situation that is beyond your control, the same suggestions mentioned above are applied to you. Don't give up and trust God who knows all things. "He who observes the wind will not sow. And he who regards the clouds will not reap. As you do not know what is the way of the wind, or how the bones grow in the womb of her who is with child, so you do not know the works of God who makes all things." Eccl. 11:4-5 Instead of getting discouraged because you are immediately unable to get rid of a long-standing negative response to outside stimuli, just take it one step at a time and realize changing long-standing habits overnight are not easy. However, never allow yourself to think it is impossible... "all things are possible with God." Prayer Pray for God to reveal your true self to yourself, but don't ask for this if you don't want to see and if you aren't willing to work on your negative thoughts and behavior. "Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way of everlasting," Psalm 139:23-24. Pour your thoughts and hearts out to God. Be honest and be specific. If possible, talk out-loud; it helps us to be honest. Speak with respect as you are speaking to the Almighty God who wants what is best for you. Tell God all your negative thoughts. If you are sad and depressed, tell Him so; if angry about the harm others have done to you, tell Him so, respectfully, and ask for help to forgive. Ask for awareness and strength. Believe you will receive, but understand your attitude must be one of forgiveness and truly seeking the spiritual good for yourself and others. "...You fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures..."Draw near to God and He will draw near to you....Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up." (James 4:2b-3, 8, 10)  Don't give up and think God isn't listening if you don't see immediate changes in your life. God is listening and He will provide, but He expects us to exercise self-control and to know His will revealed in the Bible and use His commands as a way of life. Our Father wants us to put into our lives what we have learned from Him and we must not expect a sign to convince us God is answering our prayers. We must work, diligent work! Take Prescribe Medication Sure, take medication if you have mental illness that stems from a biological source, but also don't hesitate to take antidepressants if you need help in dealing with stress and/or depression. You are not a sinner if you take an antidepressant. You are not spiritually weak if you take an antidepressant. There are physical changes in our brain and body that are produced by stress. As we all know stress can give us a headache, at times. If we take a Tylenol for the headache, did we sin? Of course not. If we get a stomachache from stress do we sin if we take Prilosec? Who would think so? Is it a sin to take an antidepressant because of an inability for the mind to concentrate during stress? (I hope your answer to that question is consistent and not filled with prejudice.) You are not a sinner if you take an antidepressant. You are not spiritually weak if you take an antidepressant. Self-Control. It's so easy for Christians to condemn the world of a lack of self-control in immorality and greed, but it's not so easy to see the lack of self-control in ourselves that may manifest in the form of gluttony, negative thinking, self-glorification and self deprecation. We have become so mentally lazy that we excuse our negative thoughts and behavior by considering ourselves victims of other's wrongdoing or victims of illness (as society has labeled  just about every character flaw as illness and a matter of we can't help ourselves). There may be physical illness among us that manifest in mental symptoms, but we must be careful, very careful that we don't put all our negative learned behavior into the category of illness and impossible to control when, in fact, we can overcome and/or control our negative thoughts and behavior. In today's society all of us, without exception, who are overweight are sick and can not help it, rather than we are overeating or eating too much fat. All of us who are depressed can't help it so we must depend on a pill, without thought of mental work. All of us who have irrational fears, hang-ups, and any negative thoughts or behavior have mental illness and can't help it. Christians get caught up in this way of thinking to the point all our problems are someone else's fault and we can't help what we are thinking, feeling, and doing. Although this way of thinking brings on unhappiness, discontent, and can make us miserable, we still allow ourselves to live like this because it's so much easier than working on self-control. We are downright lazy! Those of us who have a biological or medical source of negative feelings or symptoms must not get caught up in the idea we can't help what we feel (which may be true), therefore we do not need to practice self-control. This is wrong and a harmful way to think. While we don't need to feel guilt for what we can't help, we do need to use as much self-control as we can in controlling the way these negative feelings manifest themselves. We have a choice concerning our negative thoughts and behavior: (1) Be lazy and continually place blame on others and outside forces beyond our control or (2) Work. Use self-control in thought, actions and speech (in regards to ourselves and to others). Believe me, I'm speaking to myself as well. I do get lazy and give in to negative thought and behavior, at times. However, none of us will grow if we choose to remain stagnant in a lethargic, spiritless resignation to negativity. CONCLUSION: We all have a learned negative behavior, whether it's as simple as having a fear of spiders to more serious and complex as sadness from a parent's lack of attention or abuse. This kind of sadness never truly goes away. I heard a brother in Christ, who is in his 70's, tell of the warm, happy feeling he had when his inattentive dad showed him a little attention one day. It had been many, many years and this one incidence still makes an impact on him. Why? Because thoughts of his dad is the stimulus for an automatic, learned feeling of sadness for not having the attention he desired as a child, and the memory of the good day with his dad is an automatic emotional response of joy.  I'm sure all of us have negative memories from childhood, but some have unspeakable childhood trauma that was outside their control and they learned behavior that helped them cope with the memory. Their response may include habituation where they have learned to ignore certain stimulus and behavior for the sake of self-preservation or they experience sensitization where they become highly sensitive to specific situations that produces an overly sensitive and often irrational response to a harmless stimulus.   No matter what the cause of negative learned behavior we all should try and live with it with the attitude of ruling over the negatives the best we can physically and spiritually. It will take aggressive ongoing work, but the work is far more rewarding than allowing the negatives to absolutely consume us. Learn to Live with Negative Thoughts and Emotions During Times of Stress Pat Gates I have a stressful life. That confession wasn't always so easy to admit because in my younger years I believed a Christian shouldn't be filled with stress so I would never admit to feeling stressed. Well, at some point in my growing up and growing older it dawned on me that many situations will occur in our lives that will create stress that is outside our control and how much stress a person has in their life isn't a sign of how worldly minded a person is. Take for example, our Lord while He lived on earth; no one lived with as many stressful situations as He did. I can not imagine that He went through witnessing the selfish, sinful nature of man without feeling stress. I'm confident that he felt stress on the day he cleansed the temple and the day of crucifixion could not have been without stress. Jesus' life teaches us that whether or not stress will be in a Christian's life is not the issue; the issue is how will a Christian deal with the stresses that come. (We will deal with stress created from our sin in the next issue.) Can We Withstand the Force? The physical description of stress from Webster's online dictionary is: A force exerted when one body or body part presses on, pulls on, pushes against, or tends to compress or twist another body or body part. And so it is with mental and emotional stress: Negative situations bring outside forces that try to crush our spirit. Stress comes in all forms and in all degrees. In 1992 Hurricane Andrew hit Florida with a great force that stressed Miami to the limit. There were two areas that were hit particularly hard: Naranja Lakes and Country Walk. In the mid 80's I had lived right across the street from Country Walk. After Country Walk was built my sister and her husband went with Chuck and me to look at the model homes there. It was such a quaint community; Walt Disney World owned the property and they were good with creating the illusion of a quiet country village on the outskirts of a high traffic area. While my sister and I were enjoying looking at the nicely decorated model home, our husbands were pointing out every building flaw they could see, as well as the cheap materials used. While somewhat annoyed, we wives were glad our husbands knew about such things and would not be fooled by inferior carpentry. Our husbands were right; after the hurricane Country Walk was found to have major building flaws, including entire rows of nails that missed trusses on the roofs, which contributed to the terrible destruction brought on by the high winds. The same held true with Naranja Lakes and the way they built their roofs. Seeing that Walt Disney World was sued and Naranja Lakes was owned by the mafia, perhaps I need to get off this subject now and make my point: My neighborhood across the street from Country Walk was spared; it had been through the same winds as Country Walk (it was determined Country Walk had not been hit by a tornado) but it had survived due to the fact it was built to withstand the stress of the wind. (It was also determined this area had not received the highest winds of Andrew). How are you and I built? Do we have a foundation of truth that can withstand the crushing blows of stress or is our foundation based on our weak fleshly mind that will crumble with each stressful situation that comes along until we finally fall flat?  Suggestions during stressful times: Accept the fact stress will come and it has nothing to do with your spiritual state (unless of course the stress was brought on-by sin or the guilt of sin - we'll talk about that in another article). "For indeed, when we came to Macedonia, our bodies had no rest, but we were troubled on every side. Outside were conflicts, inside were fears. Nevertheless God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus, and not only by his coming, but also by the consolation with which he was comforted in you, when he told us of your earnest desire, your mourning, your zeal for me, so that I rejoiced even more," 2 Cor. 7:5-7. Notice I titled this article, How to Live With Negative Thoughts During Stress, not How Not to Have Negative Thoughts; stressful situations outside our control occurs in everyone's life, the righteous and the wicked but as Paul was comforted by God, so will we be comforted by our Father. Get rid of the negative thoughts you do have power over. Stess tempts us with additional negative thoughts we can control. We must not allow ourselves to get in such a state where we are continually worried and emotionally handicapped. It is tempting to get caught up in our stressed-out world where we can't see beyond ourselves and our situation. We must force ourselves to look to God and to others (not only for the help from others, but what we can do for them). Go to God. Even though God knows all about our troubles, He desires us to come to Him and lay our stress at His feet. Our heavenly Father wants to help us. "Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you," 1 Pet. 4:7. Don't get caught up in counting the hours or days after you pray to see how long it's going to take God to answer your prayer. God is not on your timetable and His wisdom knows not only how to answer your prayer but when to answer it. You must trust His love and wisdom, as well as His desire to help. Any pain that occurs after you pray is not God's fault - the pain is the normal outcome of physical or spiritual laws broken. Be assured God is with you throughout the pain and is hurting for you. Dwell on Jesus' compassion you read about in the Bible. When you see Jesus, you see the Father. Trust! Grow in faith. Go to the Word of God. Nothing gets your mind off the negative as reading comforting words from scripture. Remember the word to Your servant,upon which You have caused me to hope. This is my comfort in my affliction, for Your word has given me life. Psalm 119:49-50. Talk to trustworthy friends. When you need help in getting your mind on positive things during negative stresses, talk with someone who is sympathetic, yet gives you a positive outlook. If you go to close friends who just reinforce the negative you will find yourself even more depressed. Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, 1 Thess. 5:11. Use self-control. Self-control probably should be put at the top of the list because it takes self-control to accomplish every task done to combat negative thinking. I mention self-control continually in these articles because it is one of the most neglected self-help tools in our society today. Common sense tells us if we use self-control in our thinking and actions, any situation we face will be better, but we neglect this simple wisdom because we want an easy way out. We want to place blame on someone or some situation that excuses us so we can believe "we can't help it." This attitude only makes our lives more stressful, but nonetheless, we still choose this thought over the willingness to use self-control. Self-control takes work and we want to avoid work, afterall we already have too much to deal with. So the LORD said to Cain, “Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it.” Gen. 4:6-7. Set your mind on things above. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit, Rom. 8:5. You can do this in prayer and the word of God, but also in your everyday walk of life. When you begin to put your mind too much on earthly concerns, direct your thoughts to spiritual matters - think of  'whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things, Phil. 4:8. Read Joyce Jamerson's series on the Fruit of Spirit on the Looking Within page. It takes self-control to get your mind off of worldly concerns, but you can do it. Yes! You can. Practice, practice, practice. Live one day at a time. "Sufficient to the day is the evil thereof," Matt. 6:34. Dealing with one day's worth of stress is enough. Tomorow may not be as bad as you thought it would be and if it turns out to be worse, you can deal with it then... and if you've been exercising how to live with negative emotions then you will deal with tomorrow in a way that will reduce the pain. Living one day at a time isn't easy and I have not lived this to the best of my ability when life became very stressful, but for mental and physical health it is an exercise we need to work on daily. If the source of stress is beyond our control we will be affected mentally, emotionally, and physically to some degree - afterall stress presses on, pulls on, pushes against, and tends to compress or twist our senses to such a degree that even the most righteous will feel the effects. However, we can greatly lessen the damage if we don't allow it to break our spiritual man. We must brace up our spirit with faith, self-control, and learning to live one day at a time knowing our Lord will be with us tomorrow as He was today. What Do We Do With Negative Thoughts Due to the Guilt of Sin? Pat Gates In the past 3 months I have discussed what to do with negative thoughts that are a product of outside forces we have no control over such as biological illness of the body and mind or learned behavior due to mistakes or mistreated from others creating irrational habitual behavior. Last month I discussed negative thoughts that stem from stress that is outside our control and no fault of our own. This month we will discuss negative thoughts that we have created and do have control over that have come from our sin. The following is the main text for my article which follows below: The words in red describe of the effects of sin on the body and mind. The words in blue is the attitude we should have when we are feeling the guilt of sin. The words highlighted in yellow describe the blessing of recognition and repentance of our sins. PSALM 38 Psalm of David O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your wrath, Nor chasten me in Your hot displeasure! For Your arrows pierce me deeply, And Your hand presses me down.  There is no soundness in my flesh Because of Your anger,  Nor any health in my bones  Because of my sin. For my iniquities have gone over my head; Like a heavy burden they are too heavy for me. My wounds are foul and festering Because of my foolishness.            I am troubled, I am bowed down greatly; I go mourning all the day long. For my loins are full of inflammation, And there is no soundness in my flesh. I am feeble and severely broken; I groan because of the turmoil of my heart.            Lord, all my desire is before You; And my sighing is not hidden from You. My heart pants, my strength fails me; As for the light of my eyes, it also has gone from me.  My loved ones and my friends stand aloof from my plague, And my relatives stand afar off. Those also who seek my life lay snares for me; Those who seek my hurt speak of destruction,  And plan deception all the day long.            But I, like a deaf man, do not hear; And I am like a mute who does not open his mouth. Thus I am like a man who does not hear, And in whose mouth is no response.            For in You, O LORD, I hope; You will hear, O Lord my God. For I said, “Hear me, lest they rejoice over me, Lest, when my foot slips, they exalt themselves against me.”            For I am ready to fall, And my sorrow is continually before me. For I will declare my iniquity; I will be in anguish over my sin. But my enemies are vigorous, and they are strong; And those who hate me wrongfully have multiplied. Those also who render evil for good, They are my adversaries, because I follow what is good.            Do not forsake me, O LORD; O my God, be not far from me! Make haste to help me, O Lord, my salvation! . . .. PSALM 32 Psalm of David Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, Whose sin is covered. Blessed is the man to whom the LORD does not impute iniquity, And in whose spirit there is no deceit.            When I kept silent, my bones grew old Through my groaning all the day long.  For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me;  My vitality was turned into the drought of summer.  Selah     I acknowledged my sin to You,  And my iniquity I have not hidden.   I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD,”   And You forgave the iniquity of my sin.  Selah             For this cause everyone who is godly shall pray to You In a time when You may be found;  Surely in a flood of great waters  They shall not come near him. You are my hiding place; You shall preserve me from trouble;   You shall surround me with songs of deliverance.  Selah              I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;  I will guide you with My eye.  Do not be like the horse or like the mule,  Which have no understanding,   Which must be harnessed with bit and bridle,   Else they will not come near you.             Many sorrows shall be to the wicked;  But he who trusts in the LORD, mercy shall surround him.  Be glad in the LORD and rejoice, you righteous; And shout for joy, all you upright in heart! PSALM 51 Psalm of David Have mercy upon me, O God, According to Your lovingkindness;  According to the multitude of Your tender mercies,  Blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, And cleanse me from my sin.            For I acknowledge my transgressions, And my sin is always before me. Against You, You only, have I sinned, And done this evil in Your sight—  That You may be found just when You speak, And blameless when You judge.            Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, And in sin my mother conceived me. Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.            Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Make me hear joy and gladness, That the bones You have broken may rejoice. Hide Your face from my sins, And blot out all my iniquities.            Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence, And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.            Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, And uphold me by Your generous Spirit. Then I will teach transgressors Your ways, And sinners shall be converted to You.            Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God, The God of my salvation,  And my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips, And my mouth shall show forth Your praise. For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it; You do not delight in burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, A broken and a contrite heart—  These, O God, You will not despise.            Do good in Your good pleasure to Zion; Build the walls of Jerusalem. Then You shall be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, With burnt offering and whole burnt offering;  Then they shall offer bulls on Your altar.  A rational feeling of guilt is good for us when we sin as it is the acknowledgement we have sinned and displeased God and, if allowed, will prompt our repentance. If ignored, we will suffer through it, even if it takes years, just to get to the point where we can no longer feel it and become hardened to it. However, this is not healing, but rather a chronic, terminal heart failure in our spiritual man. One of the most harmful teachings our humanistic society has contributed is the idea that the feeling of guilt is a curse brought about by ignorant, religious fanatics who want control over the will of the people. They have relieved mankind of this bond by replacing a lack of self-control with sickness and by replacing sin with the idea of human rights. While trying to free men of emotional problems, they have made them slaves to humanistic ideas that will lead them to emotional, physical, and spiritual destruction. Self-control and human responsibility are good, healthy solutions to man's problems, but when guilt is dismissed, spiritual sickness will spread like an epidemic.    . Guilt from sin can lead to godly sorrow which produces repentance and change. Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing. For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all thingsyou proved yourselves to be clear in this matter. 2 Cor. 7:9-11 Then the men of David said to him, “This is the day of which the LORD said to you, ‘Behold, I will deliver your enemy into your hand, that you may do to him as it seems good to you.’” And David arose and secretly cut off a corner of Saul’s robe. Now it happened afterward that David’s heart troubled him because he had cut Saul’s robe. And he said to his men, “The LORD forbid that I should do this thing to my master, the LORD’s anointed, to stretch out my hand against him, seeing he is the anointed of the LORD.” 1 Sam. 24:5-6 And Peter remembered the word of Jesus who had said to him, “Before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.” So he went out and wept bitterly. Matt. 26:75 Then Judas, His betrayer, seeing that He had been condemned, was remorseful and brought back the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and elders, saying, “I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.” And they said, “What is that to us? You see to it!” Then he threw down the pieces of silver in the temple and departed, and went and hanged himself. Matt. 27:3-5 Beware, brethren, lest there be in any of you an evil heart of unbelief in departing from the living God; but exhort one another daily, while it is called “Today,” lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin. Heb. 3:12-13 Guilt may be felt but not acted on in the proper way which can produce (1) sorrow for self without repentance, (2) a lack of trust in God's forgiveness, or (3) ignored which will produce a hardened heart. Then Judas, His betrayer, seeing that He had been condemned, was remorseful and brought back the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and elders, saying, “I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.” And they said, “What is that to us? You see to it!” Then he threw down the pieces of silver in the temple and departed, and went and hanged himself. Matt. 27:3-5 Beware, brethren, lest there be in any of you an evil heart of unbelief in departing from the living God; but exhort one another daily, while it is called “Today,” lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin. Heb. 3:12-13   The Physical Effects of Guilt The following paragraph is the combined thoughts of the Psalmist's description of the effects the guilt of sin has on his body and mind. These words are printed in red in the passages at the top of the page and I have changed some of the wording to how we might express it today. When I keep silent about my sin it is as if arrows pierce me deeply and I feel God’s hand pressing down. I feel the heaviness of guilt like a heavy burden much too heavy to carry. No soundness in my flesh, nor any health in my bones. I fell as if I’m drowning in sin. It’s like foul, pus-ridden wounds. All day long my sins trouble me. I bow down in mourning. I feel like my insides are inflamed. There is no soundness in my body; I feel broken and feeble. I groan because my heart is full of turmoil. My heart pants, I feel weak. I feel old with no energy; feeling depleted and dehydrated. I see no good, and I have many sorrows. My sin and sorrow is always in my mind and I feel like I’m ready to fall into despair.  . Guilt is mental stress and because of brain-body connection, our thoughts can affect our body as well as actually change the chemical pathways in the brain. David describes the pain of guilt in physical terms: While David's bones weren't literally broken, nor was there inflammation in his gut or pus-filled sores covering his body, he did feel physical pain and weakness from the heavy weight of guilt. Bearing the guilt of his sin and it's outcome became great stress for this righteous man who was experiencing godly sorrow. The following paragraph is the combined thoughts of the Psalmist's attitude he has in regards to his sin. These words are printed in blue in the passages at the top of the page and I have changed some of the wording to how we might express it today. I acknowledge my sin and will no longer try to hide the fact I am a sinner. Confession is certainly good for the soul but confession won't take place until sin is recognized, acknowledged and brought out in the open to God. To get rid of negative thoughts, those thoughts must be acknowledged. I recognize and admit I have sinned against God and did evil in His sight. We must realize every sin we commit is against God and none of our sins are hidden from God. I feel anguish that I have sinned. I will confess my sins to God, knowing God will forgive me. A righteous person will have bad feelings when they acknowledge their sin. However, they also trust that God will forgive them upon their confession. In this submissive state of mind, God will be found. God is not found in a proud heart that refuses to acknowledge her sin, much less repent of it. I desire mercy from God; I know His lovingkindness and His great tender mercies. What comfort for the righteous! I know evil men are waiting for me to slip up so they may rejoice over me so I desire to be restored to the joy of the Lord’s salvation so I may teach transgressors the Lord’s ways in order for them to be converted to God. A righteous person recognizes her sin will have an affect on those around her; she does not try to hide her sin because she knows it will eventually come to light and the wicked will rejoice over it. A righteous woman desires to be a good example to transgressors so they may be converted to the Lord. I know God doesn’t any outward ritual in and of itself; the Lord does not require a sacrifice without true repentance, however He will not despise a broken and contrite heart. God knows our hearts and he will only accept true repentance. We may be able to fool others and even ourselves, but never God. The Lord desires a truthful heart that will accept His wisdom, which He freely gives. I desire God to wash me and clean me thoroughly of all wickedness so my spirit will be as clean as snow; I will then have joy and gladness again. I pray for a clean, steadfast heart. I am anxious for immediate forgiveness, for I no longer want to be away from God and forsaken. The righteous woman desires a peaceful mind that only comes in the right relationship with God. My hope is in the Lord; I know He will hear my prayer of confession and repentance. With true godly sorrow that leads to repentance, we should never doubt that God hears our prayers and our hope in the Lord can remain steadfast. The Blessings of Dealing with Guilt by Confession and Repentace The following paragraph is the combined thoughts of the Psalmist's description of the blessings that come from confession and repentance. These words are highlighted in yellow in the passages at the top of the page and I have changed some of the wording to how we might express it today.   I am blessed with forgiveness and my sin is no more. I am blessed to no longer be deceitful to myself, to others, and to God concerning my sin. With no sins to hide, I find my hiding place in the Lord, who keeps me from trouble and gives me rejoicing and praise in deliverance. I am surrounded by mercy. I am glad and can shout for joy!   We have so much negative in our lives that is outside our control, but when it comes to sin, we do have a choice to get rid of the sin in our lives. We must examine ourselves daily because negative feelings that stem from sin in our lives affect us physically and spiritually if left unchecked. Thanks be to God, in Christ, He forgives a repentent heart and our minds can be at peace!    . So what is the answer to the question, "What do we do with negative thoughts and feelings that come when we feel sin?" Get rid of them by having the mindset of David in acknowledging the sin, confessing the sin to God, pleading forgiveness with a submissive heart, know our prayer is being heard, and rising from our needs in hope and peace of mind.     From the mail: I wish I did not suffer from Co-dependency. I wish I did not suffer from depression. I wish I had not experienced the 'darkness of despair' that caused me to attempt suicide. I wish I did not obsess over being liked and my work accepted by brethren. I wish I could transfer my intellectual knowledge of God's loving care to my emotional anxiety over the future. Most of all, I wish I could tell brethren my story without the fear of being ostracized as if I were unfit to be numbered among the faithful. 1st response: Rational Thinking Thank you so much for writing. There are several things you mentioned that I would like to comment on and I'm going to do so in a general sense to all who may be having similar inner struggles. As I stated at the top of the page, it is best if I don't answer too personally as I'm not sure all you are dealing with and I wouldn't want to do more harm than good. Please, dear readers, take what is helpful, but if what I say doesn't apply to you, then please don't take it personal as I realize there is much about all of your lives I am ignorant of. Feel free to respond to anything I write. My heart goes out to all of you as I've known inner pain. -Pat The following are some things in the note above that I would like to comment on for all who may be having similar inner struggles. Sharing personal pain with the brethren: The writer said, "Most of all, I wish I could tell brethren my story without the fear of being ostracized as if I were unfit to be numbered among the faithful." (My disclaimer: Because I don't know who you are and your own personal history, I am going to respond to this on face value of what you wrote. If there are any other problems you have in regard to the church, that I am unaware of, this doesn't apply.) I agree, from my own experience, there are quite a few Christians who make it difficult to share emotional problems and inner struggles. This is such a shame because God wants us to be able to go to each other and edify one another. These same Christians will speak out against psychologists and emphatically state that Christians have no business going to these "ungodly" men and women, but at the same time, will not make themselves available to listen to others who are in great need of empathy and helpful advice. I have found, however, there are other Christians who want to help; some have the wisdom and others don't know what to say but they will give a big warm hug and tell you they will put you in their prayers. Both are needed! It's important for you to not give up on Christians because you've had some bad responses. Learn who you can share your thoughts and feelings with and rather than feeling anger towards the others, just chalk it up to ignorance. "I wish I could transfer my intellectual knowledge of God's loving care to my emotional anxiety." For right now, I left off the "anxiety about the future." We'll talk about that later. This statement you made is so important for we are to gain intellectual knowledge of God's loving care, using this knowledge in discretion and wisdom, acting on what we know, and placing this knowledge on top of fleshly desires and emotions, thus creating proper responses, whether in action or thought. Intellectual knowledge is indeed what we need and that is going to be what saves us from ourselves. Frankly too much emphasis is placed on how we feel and not enough emphasis on what we know. It is knowledge that prompts the right thoughts and actions and when proper reactions occur, that will take care of the negative emotions that lead to worry and despair.  There are two kinds of knowledge: (1) Knowing facts and (2) A working knowledge. The first one does no good. The second has great power but only if there is true belief in the power. There are three kinds of "feeling" I would like us to think about: (1) Feelings that are produced as a response to outside stimulus, (2) Feelings that are produced from our own thoughts, whether those thoughts are accurate or unreasonable and  (3) Feelings based on intellectual reasoning of Truth. The first is automatic and most often out of our control. The second is the outcome of our attitude and beliefs. The third is rational and controlled. It is this one we must exercise in order to gain discretion of which feelings are acceptable and which must be controlled. On the chronic illness page there is an article on the power of the word of God that I would like to be read with this article. God's word is our foundation of rational thinking which will help us to control our irrational thoughts and feelings. Rational Thinking: Rational thinking is proper exercise of the mind; thinking that is consistent with known facts refers to logic or reasoning being involved in the thought process. It refers to providing reasons or rational behind thoughts or ideas. It adds an element of calculation and planning to a stream of thoughts rather then basing them on emotion or personal opinion. Rational thinking is going to be what changes us and this is what we are going to be talking about in the next few issues. When negative thoughts and emotions come, we need to allow our intellectual knowledge of God's word and the simple logic of reality to examine our thoughts and feelings Rational thinking (intellectual knowledge) also produces understanding of God's loving care and that is what will transfer our knowledge of God's love into our life and into our ability to love life, love others, and love ourselves. We need to think rationally about love and the way to do that is to grow in knowledge of God's love and how He wants us to think and act. Let's read our Bible and concentrate on teaching ourselves the academics of love. Let's look at the Word of God afresh and learn what love is, even making a list of what we read, if desired. I know it may sound lifeless to just concentrate on the academics of love, but what it is doing is laying down a good foundation to build on. I will continue to talk about love next month because many emotional problems Christian women have is a misunderstanding of what love is and they feel a great emptiness because they aren't feeling what they think love should produce in them. They worry so much about the phrase, "You must love yourself before you can love others," that they remain in depression because they don't know how to love themselves, therefore it's impossible to love others...therefore it's impossible to love life. Forget all that. That is one of those catchy phrases society has come up with that gives no direction and only burdens the individual with confusion and even more self-loathing because she doesn't know where to begin to start loving self. "YOU CAN'T LOVE OTHERS UNTIL YOU LOVE YOURSELF." Pat Gates Man's ideas about love Barbara De Angelis who writes self-help books as well as lectures gives us the following quotes: “Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away.” “We need to find the courage to say NO to the things and people that are not serving us if we want to rediscover ourselves and live our lives with authenticity.” “If you aren't good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you'll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren't even giving to yourself.” “Love yourself, for if you don't, how can you expect anybody else to love you?" On the surface Ms De Angelis' suggestions may sound good to a woman who lives with depression and a lack of self-worth: (1) We can't keep giving to others without an equal amount of giving to self, (2) If others don't appreciate what we give to them or mistreat us in anyway, it's self-abasement to keep giving to them, (3) And most of all, it is impossible to love others if we don't love ourselves.What a relief we don't have to feel guilty about separating ourselves from others, after all we're still learning to love ourselves! A woman who takes Ms De Angelis' suggestions to heart will look for ways to treat herself better and spend more time and perhaps money on herself. She will no longer waste her time and energy for those who don't deserve it for she believes this will help her in learning self-love. In the meantime there's no need to even try to love others until she learns to love herself because it's impossible to do so. And what will be the end result of a depressed woman who follows Ms De Angelis' doctrine?  At the beginning this advice seems to work because it is a temporary distraction in the false sense she is actively doing something to alleviate her depression. She believes if she keeps trying new ways to please herself maybe she'll find that elusive trait of self-love. However, in the end she will not love herself, nor will she love others; as a matter of fact, she will be more depressed than ever because this selfish, worldly advice doesn't work. This creates more desperate feelings of failure because the woman failed to learn to love herself, therefore, she feels there is no hope for happiness, no hope for love towards self and others. [Selfish thinking and actions do not equal self-love. It equals selfishness.] Ms De Angelis' advice will never work. How can I say that with such conviction? Because God has given us "all things that pertain to life and godliness" and Ms De Angelis' ideas on love are non-existent in the Bible. There is no definition of love outside God's word; there is no self-worth or even loving others outside God. God is love; anything beyond this is man-made and is good for nothing. Worldly people may teach some ideas of love that are correct but it is only because they happen to repeat what God has already told us, however, Ms De Angelis' suggestions are not found in scripture therefore I can say with all conviction, they are wrong and will be harmful to the individual.     LOGICAL THINKING? GODLY THINKING? "You can't love others until you love yourself." "I don't love myself so it's impossible to love others therefore I am worthless to myself and to others." The Third Commandment?      Then one of the scribes came, and having heard them reasoning together, perceiving that He had answered them well, asked Him, “Which is the first commandment of all?”      Jesus answered him, “The first of all the commandments is: ‘Hear, O Israel, the LORD our God, the LORD is one. And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”      So the scribe said to Him, “Well said, Teacher. You have spoken the truth, for there is one God, and there is no other but He. And to love Him with all the heart, with all the understanding, with all the soul, and with all the strength, and to love one’s neighbor as oneself, is more than all the whole burnt offerings and sacrifices.”      Now when Jesus saw that he answered wisely, He said to him, “You are not far from the kingdom of God.”  Mark 12:28-34 After reading this passage some may say, "Aha! See, Jesus is saying you can't love others until you love yourself because we are suppose to love others as ourselves."  They create 3 commandments from a verse that contains only two: I. Love the Lord your God. 2. Love others 3. You can't love others until after you love yourself. (?) That 3rd statement is not commanded in that verse, nor any verse in the Bible. Jesus is not responding to man's dysfunctional thoughts about love and we should never interpret scriptures according to our own irrational thoughts. Jesus is quoting a command that speaks to how great the commandment is to love one another. It is coupled with loving God with all our mind, soul, and strength. The command to love others as ourselves speaks in terms of the natural, rational love of self that includes: ♦ How we value ourselves. We take care of our needs and we place value on our physical and spiritual life. ♦ We want others to treat us with value and to have our physical and spiritual needs recognized and acted upon. ♦ We love ourselves unconditionally, even after mistakes in judgment concerning ourselves and others. In the sense Jesus is talking about, most people do love themselves. They may interpret dissatisfaction with self as a lack of love for themselves, but that is not the case in that they will still care for their needs and place value on their life and on their soul. Jesus is addressing how important loving others is; He is not addressing a lack of self-love or a lack of self-confidence. He is saying we must love others in the same way as we value our own bodies and souls, wanting the best for ourselves. Even the most depressed among us wants the best for herself.  If one believes that 3rd commandment does exist (you can't love others until after you learn to love yourself), does that mean she is excused from loving others if she doesn't love herself? Of course not; that erroneous belief is not from the mind of God.   We should never interpret scriptures according to our own emotional and spiritual dysfunctions. God is love. Love is a creation of God.  The true definition of love. You must believe with all your heart God's way is Truth. You can not practice the truth of God and man's ideas that are not found in the word of God. You will not have good mental, emotional, and spiritual health if you try and combine any ideas man has about love that conflicts with the word of God. No man can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. Matt. 6:24 TRUE LOVE   MANKIND'S DYSFUNCTIONAL IDEAS CONCERNING LOVE   Does love think on self or on God and others?   Is love active or passive? Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 1 John 4:7-11   1. We know love by the great love God manifested to us in giving His Son and we need to emulate this love that seeks the good of others.   Love is what sounds good and makes us feel good. We don't know love unless we are good to ourselves and love ourselves.   Self  o God & Others   Passive o Active   Now behold, one came and said to Him, “Good Teacher, what good thing shall I do that I may have eternal life?” So He said to him, “Why do you call Me good? No one is good but One, that is, God. But if you want to enter into life, keep the commandments.” He said to Him, “Which ones?” Jesus said, “ ‘You shall not murder,’ ‘You shall not commit adultery,’ ‘You shall not steal,’ ‘You shall not bear false witness,’ 'Honor your father and your mother,’ and, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’” The young man said to Him, “All these things I have kept from my youth. What do I still lack?” Jesus said to him, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.” But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions. Matt. 19:16-22 2. Share what you have with others. This verse is not upholding the idea of "you can't love others if you don't love yourself" but rather has the idea of taking care of the needs of others just like you do yourself. The young man had deceived himself into thinking he loved his neighbor as himself but he loved himself more for he did not want to give up his treasures for others. He had false love in self-pleasure and ignoring the needs of others.   As a child of God I'm suppose to be wise. I can't touch my IRAs, bonds, stocks, savings etc. etc. or I won't be able to live the retirement I had planned so wisely. In loving my life I need to be sure to be able to take care of myself sufficiently in the future or I won't be able to care for anyone, including myself.   Self  o God & Others   Passive o Active He turned toward the woman and said to Simon, "Have you noticed this woman? When I came into your home, you didn't give me any water so I could wash my feet. But she has washed my feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. You didn't greet me with a kiss, but from the time I came in, she has not stopped kissing my feet. You didn't even pour olive oil on my head, but she has poured expensive perfume on my feet. So I tell you that all her sins are forgiven, and that is why she has shown great love. But anyone who has been forgiven for only a little will show only a little love." Then Jesus said to the woman, "Your sins are forgiven."Luke 7:44-48 This passage is taken from the story of the woman, who was a sinner, who washed Jesus' feet with her tears and dried his feet with her hair. Jesus isn't saying that people who sin less or have "minor" sins often won't and can't recognize the great gift of forgiveness (all sin is major and will separate us from God); rather, He is speaking to the attitude of humbleness in that this woman humbly recognized her great sin and appreciated the Lord's mercy towards her. 3. Love meditates, understands, and appreciates the mercy, forgiveness, and salvation we have in Christ. Love is a humble attitude that recognizes the great love that our Lord has given us, when we are so undeserving.   Man's idea of the love of God is that He overlooks most sins and it's only the "big" sins that we need to repent of. This idea prohibits humbleness and limits our love for God's great mercy we have in Christ. When our love is limited, our heart hardens and if our love and appreciation towards God is limited, so it will be with mankind.   Self  o God & Others   Passive o Active in meditation  And behold, a certain lawyer stood up and tested Him, saying, “Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” He said to him, “What is written in the law? What is your reading of it?” So he answered and said, “ ‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind,’and ‘your neighbor as yourself.’” And He said to him, “You have answered rightly; do this and you will live.” But he, wanting to justify himself, said to Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?” Then Jesus answered and said: “A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, who stripped him of his clothing, wounded him, and departed, leaving himhalf dead. Now by chance a certain priest came down that road. And when he saw him, he passed by on the other side. Likewise a Levite, when he arrived at the place, came and looked, and passed by on the other side. But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was. And when he saw him, he had compassion. So he went to himand bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine; and he set him on his own animal, brought him to an inn, and took care of him. On the next day, when he departed, he took out two denarii, gave them to the innkeeper, and said to him, ‘Take care of him; and whatever more you spend, when I come again, I will repay you.’ So which of these three do you think was neighbor to him who fell among the thieves?” And he said, “He who showed mercy on him.” Then Jesus said to him, “Go and do likewise.” Luke 10:25-37 4. Love is showing compassion and mercy to others in giving our heart, attention, time, and sometimes money for the sake of others even if we have never received anything from them.   Ms. De Angelis said, “If you aren't good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you'll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren't even giving to yourself.” “We need to find the courage to say NO to the things and people that are not serving us if we want to rediscover ourselves and live our lives with authenticity.”   Self  o God & Others   Passive o Active "Jesus answered and said to him, “If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him. He who does not love Me does not keep My words." John 14:23-24a 5. Love obeys our Lord. It's that simple.   God expects me to love Him, but His unconditional love does not interpret my love for Him in how many of His laws I follow. As long as I love God in my heart, His love will accept me as I am. I don't have to do works in order to love God.   Self  o God & Others   Passive o Active By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoever has this world’s goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him? My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. And by this we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before Him. 1 John 3:16-19   6. Love is shown not only in word, but in deed and truth.   The capacity to love others arises from our capacity to love ourselves...How can we serve others in love if we don't love ourselves?   Self  o God & Others   Passive o Active Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality. Rom 12:9-13 7. Love seeks truth, righteousness, and clings to good. Love is beautiful in the sense of its unhypocritical purity. It is being kind, considerate, giving and fervently serves the Lord in perseverace. It rejoices in hope, continues in prayer, always thinking of the needs of others.   You must love yourself first. See to your needs first, be kind to yourself, stand up for yourself and never allow anyone to walk over you.   Self  o God & Others   Passive o Active Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. 1 Cor. 13:4-8   8. Love puts others first.   It's fine to love others you don't like, but don't allow anyone to step on you, misuse you, or expect you to serve them. This is not love as love is doing good for self and putting self first.   Self  o God & Others   Passive o Active “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? Matt. 5:43-46 Luke 6:27-38 . 9. Do good to your enemies and pray for them. It's not a matter of self-abasement to do so, but rather you may be "sons of your Father in heaven." Glorious!   It is demeaning to ourselves to use our time and energy on people who mistreat us. We are children of God and we should never allow anyone to mistreat us and if they do, we must separate ourselves from them in our thoughts and actions. We must always stand up for our rights and if anyone harms us, then we harm back. They don't deserve us.   Self  o God & Others   Passive o Active CONCLUSION You will not know love if you think on self all the time. Some thoughts must be given to self at times and that's just plain common sense, as well as the command to "examine self to see if we are in the faith." However, love's thoughts extend outward to God and to others and doesn't spend a great deal of time on thoughts of selfish needs and desires. When depressed people dwell on the idea "You must love yourself before you can love others," they immediately determine they don't love themselves because they don't like what they see in themselves. However, if they truly didn't love themselves, it wouldn't phase them that they see no good in themselves and want something better. So much emotional and mental time and energy is spent in trying to build up self esteem and while that seems to help for a little while due to mental activity, it eventually leaves them empty and worse off than before because continual thoughts on self is not good mental and spiritual health. They will fail this futile exercise of self-esteem and their love will grow even colder, as there was nothing in their concentration on self that determined they were anything special. Along with the time spent on trying to learn to love self by concentrating on self-esteem, love for others didn't grow, therefore, new and better relationships were not gained. If it were true that, "You can't love others until you love yourself," wouldn't it stand true that those days spent in learning to "love" self that love for others would just come automatically? The truth is, there is no 3rd commandment from Jesus about loving self. This was not an issue, nor did it need to be commanded, because Jesus knows if we love God with all our heart and soul and mind and love others, love of self will not be a concern. GOD'S THOUGHTS CONCERNING SPENDING TIME LOVING OURSELVES But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. 2 Timothy 3:1-5 And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold. Matt. 24:12 "When we comprehend God’s love, when we deeply know He loves us, we don't need to focus on loving ourselves. The more we experience God’s forgiveness and love, the more we think of Him and the less we think about ourselves. When we are excited and secure in His love for us, the less the idea of finding meaning through loving ourselves makes sense." -selected "It’s easy to act as if you are a weathervane, always changing your beliefs and words, trying to please everyone around you. But we were born to be lighthouses, not weathervanes." .   Pleasing Everyone by Ron Adams .    There is an old Spanish parable about a man, a boy and a donkey. They were all three walking down a dusty road on a hot summer day. They overheard some passer-by say, "Look at those foolish people walking when they could be riding." So they both climbed on the donkey.    They had ridden only a short distance when another passer-by exclaimed, "Look at that poor donkey carrying those two people. Aren't they heartless?" Whereupon the son climbed down from the donkey and walked beside the father on the donkey.    Then some said, "Look at that inconsiderate man making that poor little boy walk while he rides." Upon hearing this the father and boy exchanged places and still they had not satisfied the passer-by, who then said, "Look at that young man riding and that poor old man walking in the heat of the day."    So the boy climbed down. They tied the feet of the donkey to a pole and proceeded to carry the donkey. Everyone exclaimed, "Look at those foolish people." . ~~~~~~~~~~~ .   The lesson is obvious, isn't it? We spend a lot of time worrying about people being pleased about us. We are continually perplexed because we can never please everybody. Don't try! (Borrowed from Unknown Source)    . We should strive to please God and do unto others as we would have them do unto us and not worry about someone thinking us foolish. There is a lesson here for all of us. We will be happier if we learn it. . ~~~~~~~~~~~~ . The apostle Paul wrote to the Corinthian church: "But to me it is a very small thing that I should be examined by you, or by any human court; in fact, I do not even examine myself. For I am conscious of nothing against myself, yet I am not by this acquitted; but the one who examines me is the Lord." 1  Corinthians 4:3-4 http://thursdaythought.homestead.com

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