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There Was A Day There was a day when I was young I could run and jump and fall. Then
get right up and do it again Without any trouble at all. There was a day when time moved by With
the pace of the lowly snail. The hours and days drug slowly on And the years never seemed to fail. There
was a day I could work all night, Then go on for most of the day. With energy to do what I wanted to do With
enough left even to play. Then suddenly life seemed quickly to
change. The days with haste fled away. The months became years in a moment of time, And my
hair started showing the grey. The strength that I knew in the
days of my youth Was prisoner to the passing of years. Father Time was declaring the future for me, I
could take with courage, or fears. So I decided as time sped on That I'd keep my eyes on the goal: A
beautiful land where God with us dwells; A land where we never grow old.
by Tom Holland
 Parenting our Grandchildren Joanne Beckley & Diane Demumbreum
“Noooo. . . please, noooo. . . .” Oh, the pain when a marriage breaks, when death
or divorce rips apart a family that God intended to be together forever. It
is you and I, the grandparents, who will be weeping fountains of tears, even as we try to put together the broken pieces of
our grandchildren. Yes, there is a sharp rise in the number of children who are being raised by persons other than their parents,
and in a majority of the cases these persons are none other that the grandparents. I can’t help but think of 1 Corinthians
13's description of love when I consider grandparents who take the full responsibility to rear their own grandchildren. However,
bringing up our grandchildren is no easy task. Even though we are experienced parents and are quite aware of the developmental
needs of children, there are several special issues that make it tough for us, one of the most common being the huge generation
gap. Read what one grandmother wrote: “It is a daily struggle to walk the path of parent/grandparent. While most grandparents glory in the joy and
love of their grandchildren and then can "send them home", I struggle to just keep my grandchildren safe while drawing
peace from their joy, love, creativity, and personalities to help me in this struggle. When grandparents are simply the care
givers of the children while parents work they still get some personal time and are not usually financially responsible for
the children. But when the children arrive to stay “forever”, finances can be the unspoken elephant in the room.
The safety issues may further increase the financial stresses as you explore options.” Yes, more and more grandparents are facing these challenging times. Whether by death, imprisonment, divorce, debilitating
illness, substance abuse, etc, it becomes imperative someone help the children, and often it is you or me, the grandparent.
In these days of increasing possibilities, we need to take time and consider what will be involved in becoming our grandchildren’s
parents. Primarily, the child faces the emotional hurdle of the absence
of one or both parents. The child will grieve deeply, whatever the reason for the parent(s) absence. Helping the child work
through his grief (including feelings of anger and guilt) will be a challenge for grandparents. A challenge, yes, because
the grandparents are also grieving. Their grieving might also include shame and embarrassment that their own child has failed
as a parent and blame themselves for being the reason behind it. Other
realities grandparents as parents must face: - Relationships will change.
Trust will have to be rebuilt. The child who was earlier so frank and free with his/her grandparents might start shirking
away.
- Your primary responsibility is to bring the grandchildren up in
the nurture and admonition of the Lord, Ephesians 6:4. You now have the full responsibility to teach your grandchildren obedience
to God, Deuteronomy 6:2. Be sure they know God and see your example as a dedicated, loving Christian. As they grow into their
teen years, it will be you who will have to face battles concerning all things of a moral nature. Give thanks if you are able
to build on their parents’ previous efforts.
- No longer can you
be indulgent grandparents, but your nurturing must now include training and discipline. If the parents are still around, the
lines of family authority tend to become unclear and confused in the child's mind. One grandmother stated this well: “The
greatest danger I saw was in grandparents being more lenient with these children, than with their own. When I think about
it, I saw this with the years passing in raising my own three. We can become less diligent in what we expect (require) from
them as we age - often finding it easier to do the work ourselves rather than seeing that their chores, studies, etc. are
completed and allowing too much leeway while giving in too often. We must stay alert as dangers increase in these times far
surpassing what our own children faced.”
- Family harmony can be
affected if other family members raise objections. Keep the line of communications open and help the grandchildren understand
what has happened and why.
- Your financial obligations will increase.
Not only must the dollar stretch to feed the new family members, but suddenly the children’s health and educational
needs must be met. Where necessary, court costs can actually cripple a budget.
- It will be you who has the full burden to keep the children safe. Caring for children in a divorce situation also
means visitation concerns.
- You may feel unable to help him/her with school
matters, like homework and projects.
- You may be facing your own health
and age-related issues that make parenting difficult.
- You may have to
give up on activities such as meeting with friends or taking regular trips. You will feel frustration and one or the other
grandparent might feel neglected. You will feel that romance is seemingly being forced to take a back seat again.
- You will receive support from others but you will also hear criticism. You will be given hugs
and others will keep you at arms length. Rejoice in loving contact. Wisely weigh each criticism. We all grow through the challenges
we face.
How do grandparents face these issues? The same way
parents do. One day at a time. If you have been growing “in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ”
(2 Peter 3:18), you will have the added advantage of increased wisdom in facing the challenges your growing grandchildren
will toss your way. Yes, the parents should be the ones raising the children, BUT sometimes this is just WHERE YOU ARE and
it must be handled from where you are. Grandparents raising their grandchildren are no different from children caring for
their parents, young parents with newborns, someone with a physically challenged child. They all have challenges to face…
as do any parent or married couple or single person. All is not negative.
There will be blessings “over-countable” in raising your grandchildren. The work of creating a strong redesigned
family unit will bring wonderful, unexpected rewards. Not only will duty toward family be fulfilled, but love will increase
100-fold. With hard work and good will, peace and joy can reign in the hearts of all concerned. How can we help grandparents who are parenting their grandchildren? - We can help the grandparents in their initial decision-making time to take over the job of being parents to their
grandchildren. Love alone is not enough to consider. Personal finances and personal health issues must be weighed. Be sure
and take into account the children if they are living and their God-given responsibilities toward their own children. (Consider
that by removing the consequences of their actions, will it remove their need to change their lives? Will the children learn
that mom could live as she pleased and get away with it, why can’t I?)
- We
can do our part in having a close congregation–a spiritual family caring for one another physically and spiritually.
God says we are to bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law, Galatians 6:2. In order to fulfill this command we must
have both the one with a burden and the one who helps bear it. If one or the other is not willing the law can't be fulfilled.
We are told in Psalm 19, “the law of the Lord is perfect converting the soul”. It doesn't change the soul just
because it exists but rather when we choose to follow the law. The law helps mold us through following it. It molds our hearts
to humility when we receive help and to a heart of compassion when we serve.
- We
can offer a listening ear or act of kindness. Emotionally the grandparents may be struggling with issues surrounding the WHY
the children are with them. Older women can pop in with a pot of soup and help around the house. While helping, talk about
things that may help. Cards and calls are helpful ways to pass on emotional encouragement. Make personal comments about what
you see that is going right and what you might appreciate that the family is doing. Even a hug does wonders!
- We can invite the children into our homes and be an example of godliness to them. Let them
know that other families live the way their grandparents are expecting them now to live. Some children believe it is because
their grandparents are 'old folks' and don't see it is a contrast of good and evil, so to balance this they need to experience
young families.
- We need to learn of any money woes – For those
who are very ill one can initiate money drives, cookie sales, or set up donation containers to try and raise money. But grandparents
who are fighting a legal battle that reaches into the $100's of thousands of dollars to protect or even save the life of a
child has no recourse but maybe to sell their home–which is frowned upon by courts (hard to show you are giving stability
if you have no home to go to). Its not that anyone wants us to take over their finances but to just realize there may be a
struggle and care enough to see if there are ways to help.
- We can ask
ourselves: What would you do for a friend who is caring for their parent who has health issues or for a new parent who is
struggling? Is the grandparent any less worthy of your attention? There are things that are already challenges for them which
are only highlighted when they begin this new chapter in their lives. Mowing their grass, home or car repairs may be things
an extra hand might be appreciated. Not that you do FOR them but just having a friend BESIDE them helps. And don’t forget
to offer our babysitting services. Grandparents need time to enjoy one another’s company and keep the twinkle in their
eyes.
- We can be aware that the real struggle may be spiritually. Someone
who feels they have failed as a parent might feel depressed, anxious, or even ready to give up. Is it possible to set up a
time to go to their home and worship with them? Or to have a study with the children? Could you set aside time to call and
say I was thinking about you and wanted to ask if I could pray with you today?
- We must receive as well as give to those who are being challenged. As one grandmother said, “One of the most
important things to do is be sure you provide ways the grandparents can help others as well.” They have a great need
to give back as they feel they are given so much. If you are cooking food for a family, ask if they can provide something
easy to prepare. If you are buying a baby gift ask if they would like to add a little something to make it a joint gift. Give
them the opportunity to give back.
- One more suggestion–if you have
several families in your congregation who are parenting their grandchildren, create a support group. Help to find other resources
available to these families.
God says we are to bear one another’s
burdens. This requires that we KNOW each other and know what each other's needs are so as to best help. It is not enough to
warm the pew–we have to touch hearts as well. As the apostle admonished, even as we serve one another, let us “watch,
stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong.” 1 Corinthians 16:13.
CARING FOR GRANDCHILDREN- A NOTE FROM THE MAIL: I believe
our times are making it hard for the young to make enough money to have the things necessary to rear a child or two and keep
food, clothing and shelter without having both parents working. I also think too many young people were given too much and
that they need to learn to take on responsibility and not throw it on others, taking the easy way out. When I was younger,
I put in MANY 18 hour plus days. It's a job! Now, girls seem to think a 12 hour day is too long for them. They also haven't
learned organization, etc. I think those of us who are given
some care time need to think less of losing and more of what we are gaining!!! Just act like you did when you had children~
only This Time, you have the daddy figure there 24/7 to help you. I am so thankful to have the help of "grandpa"
today. I could have used him 35 years ago!!!!!!! :-) -anonymous
. Question
from the Mail: We are currently the caregiver for 2 grandchildren. Having been married for close to
40 years I am seeing with the time we devote to the grandchildrens care, ages 1 and 3 that there is little time for us, for
romance, for the love we always have had. How do you keep the romance alive in difficult times?
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"I'm tired of hearing older women say that unless I've been in "their shoes," I would never know.
How so? Why does my experience have to be the same as yours. Everybody experiences things differently! Do you think experiences
only happen to older people?" -anonymous
