Family Relationships

I am married and have children My question is what if the weed in our relationship is one of my sons? My husband treats him different than the others There is a huge difference with tone and discipline. We have been struggling with this for years. I have to protect my son from his ugliness as much as I can, and my husband and I constantly fight about it.

Note: The reader is referring to Weeds That Choke A Marriage, in last month’s issue. Click on the bluebird to go to the archive page. Then scroll to the bottom of the page to read that article.

Children
Weeds or Flowers?

By Cindy Granke

     Perhaps a good starting place would be to explain the analogy between a weed and disharmony which can wreak havoc in a marriage. If you have done much gardening then you probably are familiar with such rogue plants as crab grass, and other invasive weeds which send tiny tendrils out in every direction, robbing the soil of nutrients needed for desirable plants. Vines like kudzu spread quickly, clinging to everything they touch and can literally choke plants and even small trees to death. We don’t usually invite unwanted guests into our gardens. They are generally brought in by birds, animals, rain, or on the wind. However sometimes we unknowingly plant something beautiful and find out too late that it was a huge mistake. Several years ago I thought wisteria was something I just had to have in my yard. It was lovely and the fragrance was so sweet. I foolishly didn’t read up on the plant. After all, it was easy to grow so I wouldn’t have to worry about accidentally killing it the way I often do flowering plants. That wisteria is still beautiful when it blooms but the vine has completely taken over an oak tree, and is popping up in odd places near other plants, trees, and even around the foundation of my house. It’s a constant effort to try to prevent it from destroying things that are valuable to me. Now I know the principle behind Jesus’ warning about considering the consequence before doing such things (see Luke 14:28-32).

    Think of your marriage or your family as a garden. The equivalent of the weed or invasive, destructive plant in your marriage is discord, conflict or friction which, if left untended will destroy your relationship.
    Having said all that, it is extremely important to establish the fact that it is the behavior of the husband and/or wife that is the weed in a marriage. It is attitudes and behaviors that are allowed to grow untended and unchanged that pose a threat to a family. A child is never responsible or to blame for how and when he was conceived – be it accidental, from a previous marriage, or due to adultery or fornication. Neither is he responsible or to blame for any physical or mental condition that will require extraordinary care. Bitterness toward a child for such reasons is unfair to the child and shows a lack of compassion or love for the innocent
    There are many possible causes for the kind of behavior mentioned in the letter above. Sometimes a parent finds it hard to accept or love a child the same way if that child is born with mental or behavioral disorders, or who will need constant care for the rest of his life. Modern medical technology makes it possible to determine many prenatal conditions so that the baby may be treated, in the womb and live. Such marvelous technology is also used to inform parents if their unborn child has one of the conditions mentioned above, and is often offered as a reason for an abortion.  Even if the child is a result of a rape, it’s not the child’s fault. The child isn’t the one who should be punished. The rapist is the one who needs to be punished. Yet in our society we kill the unborn child and put the rapist in jail for years while he awaits a trial and several appeals, or is turned loose to do it all over again.  Neither Herod’s slaughter of infants nor the sacrifices of children to idols can compare with the cruel slaughter of unborn infants in the US over the past three decades.

I don’t know the circumstances which led to the situation with our reader’s husband and son. But I do know that the boy desperately needs a father to love him and teach him. How sad when the father in his life treats him disparagingly and differently from his other children.

    I have some suggestions specifically for our reader in this situation. They may not take care of the problem since it has evidently been ongoing for some time.  But there are a couple of things that must change in the parents' relationship, or things are going to become much worse.

    First of all, if both of you cannot agree to have these conversations in private, then one of you must take the responsibility to keep these disagreements from escalating into upsetting confrontations in front of the child. Make that in front of the children. The other children hear and see the difference in their brother's treatment, and their feelings and behavior are bound to be affected, too.  In your situation, I suspect the responsible one is likely going to be you, the child’s mother.  I know this is not an easy thing. We mothers tend to be like a mama bear when it comes to protecting our cubs from physical or emotional pain. You’re going to need courage and self-control to accomplish what needs to be done. No one else can provide those for you. However God will help you if you pray diligently about your situation and ask Him to help you.  While you are praying, don’t forget to pray for your son, and especially for your husband, that he will listen to your plea and reasoning and change his behavior toward your son.

    I commend to you the following statements from the wise man, Solomon. You might write them on an index card and keep it in your pocket to pull out when you need reminding.

"A soft answer turneth away wrath:

but grievous words stir up anger.”

(Proverbs 15:1)

"A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise

man keepeth it in till afterwards."

(Proverbs 29:11)

    Last, but not least, do make sure to hug and praise all three of your children. Try to keep a balance of your affection and the way you treat all of them. But make opportunities to encourage your oldest child and to build his self image. Show him you are proud of him and the good things he accomplishes. The way your husband treats your son will likely have lasting effects throughout his life, but the encouragement and love you give him will also have lasting effects. I hope your husband will see that the boy needs him to be a daddy and needs his approval.

    Let us think of our children as the prized flowers in our family garden. Their beauty and purity are blessings to be loved and protected from weeds that find their way into the garden and seek to destroy or smother their character and growth.

    My personal thanks to the Our Hope Online reader who created the opportunity for this article by sharing her problem, and I lovingly encourage her to seek counsel from Christians who can help, or can recommend someone who can help her husband and her to work through these problems before it is too late for their marriage and for their son.

http://www.answers.com/topic/suicide-and-suicidal-behavior?cat=health

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