Read about the various phases of grief so you can understand and help the bereaved to understand.
All
that is necessary is a hand squeeze, a kiss, a hug, your presence. If you want to say something, say "I'm sorry"
or "I care."
It is not necessary to ask questions about how the death happened. Let the bereaved tell you
as much as they want when they are ready. A helpful question might be, "Would you like to talk about the death? I'll
listen."
Don't say, "I know just how you feel."
The bereaved may ask "Why?" It is
often a cry of pain rather than a question. It is not necessary to answer, but if you do, you may reply, "I don't
know why. Maybe we'll never know."
Don't use platitudes like "Life is for living," or "It's
God's will." Explanations rarely console. It's better to say nothing.
Recognize the bereaved may be angry.
Encourage them to acknowledge their anger and to find ways of handling it.
It is good to cry. Crying is a release. People
should not say, "Don't cry."
Be available to listen frequently. Most bereaved want to talk about the person
who has died. Encourage them to talk about the deceased. Do not change the conversation or avoid mentioning the person's
name. Talking about the pain slowly lessens its sting. Your concern and effort can make a big difference in helping someone
recover from grief.
Be patient. Don't say, "You'll get over it in time." Mourning may take a long
time. They will never stop missing the person who has died, but time will soften the hurt. The bereaved need you to stand
by them for as long as possible. Encourage them to be patient with themselves as there is no timetable for grieving.
Offer
to help with practical matters such as errands, fixing food, caring for children. Say, "I'm going to the store. Do
you need bread, milk, etc.?" It is not helpful to say, "Call me if there is anything I can do."
Accept
whatever feelings are expressed. Do not say, "You shouldn't feel like that."
The bereaved may appear to
be getting worse. This is often due to the reality of death hitting them.
Depression is often part of grief. It is a
scary feeling. To be able to talk things over with an understanding friend or loved one is one factor that may help a person
not to become severely depressed.
Don't say, "It has been four months (six months, a year, etc.). You must
be over it by now." Life will never be the same.
Don't avoid the bereaved. It adds to their loss. As the widowed
often say, "I not only lost my spouse, but my friend as well."
Adult children who have lost parents are expected to be mature and in need of nothing. I lost my parents
25-30 years ago but some days it seems like yesterday. I find myself talking to them and realize they can not hear;
what a hole it leaves in one's heart. People greieve differently and some don't know how, after so many
years people think you should be passed it, gone and forgotten. Not so, until you lose someone, you can not know
how someone feels or how they should feel. No one to check on you - things that need done around the house
inside or out. Single women, widowed or whatever, we need attention; who do I ask for help that I am
comfortable talking to, and it not be ignored or talked about to others. Bushes need dug up and dirt to fill it
back up - especially single women who have little to no money to spend. Does anyone understand?