Spoiled Rotten Part 3

Immature, fully dependent adult children have come from fearful, needy parents who overprotect their child with too many fences that stunt their emotional and social growth. At the same time, they have been deprived of healthy boundaries that teach them discretion, self-respect, parental respect, respect for authority and for people in general, perseverance, accomplishment, hard work, and godliness with contentment. 

Peter Pan Syndrome by Pat Gates Psychologist Dan Kiley, who defined ‘Peter Pan Syndrome’ in 1983, also used the term ‘Wendy Syndrome’ to describe women who act like mothers with their husbands or people close to them and it applies to overprotective mothers. In order for Peter Pan to exist, Wendy exists as one who deals with the problems and issues Peter Pan doesn't want to deal with. Wendy makes all decisions, takes on Peter Pan's responsibility, thus justifying his unreliability and laziness. I believe in the existence of "Peter Pan" and "Wendy" as I have seen them with my own eyes, however, I do not accept it is a "disease" as I have read from "experts." I will accept the term "disorder" but only in the sense of a long-standing habits that can and must be changed by both "Peter Pan" and "Wendy." Both of them need to learn to fend for themselves as the overprotective mother is just as dependent on her child as the child is to the mother. The ‘Peter Pan Syndrome’ affects people who do not want to grow up or feels unable to do so; people with the body of an adult but, emotionally, are still a child. They have no plan to grow up and take on adult responsibilities and seem to be stuck in their teenage years. They are dependent people who have been overprotected by their families and haven’t developed the necessary skills to confront life. Some may be too fearful to try as they see the world too tough to handle on their own and others enjoy the pampering that has developed into irresponsible, lazy individuals. They have an inability and lack of desire to take on responsibilities and to commit themselves or to keep promises. They may be disheveled and not care about their looks or they may be the opposite extreme to where they put great emphasis on their looks.  With some, laying on the couch with snacks and TV is all they need to be happy; others worry a great deal about loneliness and feel the need to be around people where they can be the center of attention. This group lacks self-confidence, even though they don't show it and often they put on an appearance exactly the opposite. They have problems with personal relationships (work and friends) as they are intolerant towards criticism and become very anxious if presented with negative critique.  They are unthoughtful and will leave a relationship that requires a high level of commitment and responsibility. Here are some ways to encourage our children to be mature and independent. When I mention discipline I mean whatever form is appropriate for their age and circumstance whether it be talking to them, removing something pleasureable, confinement to room, or sensible spanking without anger or abuse. Always be sensitive to common sense and, of course, God's will. • Give them jobs around the house and be consistent with discipline if they refuse to accomplish these tasks. • Whenever possible and when it doesn't conflict with God's will or physical safety, allow them to make decisions and choices about their life. • Watch out for your own desires to have your child dependent on you. Get interested in other things that can fill your time, especially your relationship with your husband and the needs of others. Help yourself to be well-rounded so you won't feel as if your life will be useless and empty when your child leaves home. • Don't allow your fears to emotionally and socially handicap your child. As a mother bird pushes her chick out of the nest, so mothers must allow their child to "fly" in order to soar later in life. • Set boundaries that are appropriate. Children must have boundaries in order to cope with the reality of life as they mature. They must learn to respect authority and obey laws. They must learn the word "no" with the understanding that whining and manipulation will not change the "no" to a "yes." However, made sure you don't make unnecessary boundaries where it squeezes out independence and maturity. • Never allow your child to talk or act disrespectfully towards you. If you allow that with your younger child, expect it when they are adults. It may be frustrating to experience it when they are young, but it is extremely painful to have an adult child to do so. • Allow your child to pay for his/her mistakes and wrong-doing. They must learn there are painful consequences that go with bad behavior. If the consequence is continually removed from them their mistakes and bad behavior will only increase and become more serious the older they become. • Teach your child to be thoughtful of other's feelings, needs, and desires. Make sure they learn the joy of giving even if you have to force it from them at the beginning. • Never allow your child to mistreat anyone. They need discipline when they do. • See your child clearly. Understand there isn't a person on this earth that does not make a mistake or do wrong. Your child is capable of both. • Don't re-do the work your child has done if they have tried their best and if it isn't important to do so. If their bed making isn't up to par but it's the best they can do at their age, so be it. • Encourage your child to try new things that are appropriate. • Teach your children to cook, clean, yard work, mechanical work, etc. Anything they will need to know as an adult. If they start to make mistakes, don't take over for them - patiently show them how to do it correctly. If you always take over for them, they will learn to manipulate you to get out of doing the work themselves. • Teach them to save money and spend it wisely. • Your school-age child's job is not just schoolwork. They need to help with the household chores as well. If you excuse them from these things throughout kindergarten to college, they will never learn to be responsible in their own household when they are an adult. Remember, we are not meant to be our child's slave, punching bag, whipping boy, or just a buddy. We must never use our child as a security blanket and excuse for not growing and maturing as godly women in our marriage relationship and in our relationship with others.  We are the catalyst by which we motivate our child to be a responsible, godly, dependable, mature adult. Give children the boundaries to learn to be responsible and tear down the fences that may block maturity.

Dangers of Having an Over-Protective Mother  A child with an overprotective mother is never ever able to become fully mature. He ends up remaining a baby, who can never ever think for himself and is always on the look out for someone to depend on. A person with an overprotective mother will never be willing or able to shoulder responsibility. This is because since he was a child, he was neither given any responsibility, nor held accountable for anything. Individuals with over protective mothers cannot face any criticism, be it negative or positive. The reason is that they are used to being protected and pampered all through childhood. A child with an over protective mother gets used to too much pampering, care and concern. The result is that they are not able to have successful relationships otherwise, since they are not used to adjustments. Over protected kids grow up to be insensitive individuals, who can care only about themselves. The reason being that they have never ever been taught to care for others in return. An overprotective mother cannot digest the fact that her child can do mistakes also. For her, he/she is always right. Thus, she fails to see and rectify the faults of her children.                                                                                                                                            selected

While → may seem cute and pleasurable at a young age...

If it continues, it will turn into → Isn't very cute is it?

.   How can you tell when you've gone too far, or haven't gone far enough, in attempting to help your child? I would draw a distinction between the "over-protective mother" and the parent who is rightfully advocating for a child in need. An over-protective mother shields her child from the consequences of his own actions, never allowing him to fail, even when it might be healthy for his own personal growth. An advocate, on the other hand, identifies broad areas in which the child is "stuck" in a failure cycle (emotionally, socially, academically, etc.) and connects him to sources of help. An overprotective parent removes all choices from a child, selecting friends, curtailing activities that involve risk, fighting his battles. An advocate teaches a child to make his own informed choices, stepping in only when a difference of opinion may lead to disastrous consequences. An overprotective parent weakens her child's belief in his ability to solve his own problems. An advocate empowers a child to conquer the world.                                                                               Sandra Doran/selected Free Range Children By David Diestelkamp Free range isn't such a bad idea when it comes to raising barnyard animals. There's less maintenance as they roam around, eat an occasional bug or two, and weather some survival of the fittest consequences of being part of the food chain. They are animals and are fairly well suited for raising themselves. The consequence of poor survival skills means that breakfast will be short some bacon and eggs and milk to wash them down, but little more. Free range is a terrible idea when it comes to raising children. They roam around without parental oversight and wisdom, and they aren't brought up in the "nurture and admonition of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4). They swallow humanism and materialism, thinking that the only way to survive or succeed in this life is to be worldly. In spite of what they and the rest of the world may say, they are children and are not suited for raising themselves. The consequence of poor survival skills means a physical life that will not be "well" (Eph. 6:3) and a ravaged spiritual life that is ended by sin and death (Rom. 6:23). We're talking temporal and eternal disaster if we fail to do our God-given job as parents. Think Magazine Online/Apr/May/June 2007 http://www.thinkonthesethings.com

When adults hijack childhood, children miss out on the things that give texture and meaning to a human life – the small adventures, the secret journeys, the setbacks and mishaps, the glorious anarchy, the moments of solitude and even of boredom. The message sinks in very young that what matters most is not finding your own way but putting the right trophy on the mantelpiece, ticking the box instead of thinking outside it. As a result, modern childhood seems strangely bland, packed with action achievement and consumption, yet somehow empty and artificial.  -selected

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Moms, you have the power to beat the tug of war with your child. Don't budge when you know your rules are good for the spiritual, emotional, and social aspects of your child. Keep your own weaknesses in check.
Stand firm!

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