Marriage ~ Aging
and
Intimacy
by Cindy Granke This is as topic that affects many couples when one has become
disabled for one reason or another, or when one has a chronic illness. However even without either of those concerns,
the inevitable process of aging brings its own special challenges.
To a man, the word intimacy often brings to mind something different
than it does to a woman – especially in the early years of marriage. When a man hears the word intimacy, he thinks
of a passionate physical experience, while his wife tends to think about sharing an emotional bond, warmth, closeness, and
communicating about their most private thoughts and feelings.
”…The physical act of coming together in marriage is only one aspect of intimacy.
. . . The real definition of intimacy between two people is that they feel safe enough with each other to share
their feelings and needs. If a husband and wife have that kind of intimacy, they won't have much trouble with sexual intimacy
(unless, of course, there's a physical problem).” Gary Smalley http://www.crosswalk.com/marriage/11563107/
God intended from the beginning that
we develop intimacy with another person to the point that the two would become one (Genesis 2:20-25) The
apostle Paul also had this to say about the marriage relationship, “So ought men to love their wives as their own
bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth
it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall
a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. . . .let every one
of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband” (Ephesians
5:25-31, 33).
Clearly,
the relationship between a husband and wife involves much more than the physical act of love. While the sexual
relationship is a very special bond between them, time and age make changes in our bodies and often in our circumstances.
One such circumstance is that more and more grandparents are raising their grandchildren. Perhaps we can devote a future
article to that particular situation.
The changes
that we want to address in this article have to do with the changes in our bodies which come with age, and/or with illness
and medications, as we grow older. Presumably, we have devoted time during our married years to building the kind of
intimacy which is based on mutual love and respect, and the enjoyment of being able to communicate with each other.
How many times have you been in a restaurant and watched another
couple eating, who seemed to have little or nothing to say to one another? All of us have moments when we are contented
with just being quiet and being together. The point I’m making is that it is important to be able to communicate
with our husbands about mutual interests. Sometimes that communication occurs on a non-verbal level.
Having said that, let us focus on open communication with our husband, with a view toward maintaining closeness,
tenderness and intimacy.
Complacency is an enemy
that often creeps into a marriage without being noticed. Like water, complacent people follow the easiest course – downhill.
Unfortunately even younger couples who have been married for five or ten years may find that their marriage has become a mediocre
existence while they weren’t paying attention. That’s a topic for another article about family relationships.
However, when we are older we often have less energy and find ourselves battling chronic illnesses which can hinder our ability
to follow daily routines, and our relationship may feel less intimate than we wish it was. The good news is that we
can make changes without too much difficulty. You will find that making even one change at a time will give you the
motivation to continue reclaiming your close relationship.
Some
common behaviors that invite complacency into our relationship:
- Keeping the television on for
hours during the day or evening. There is nothing
wrong with watching favorite shows, but make time to play a game with each other, or work a jigsaw puzzle together, or doing
anything that will make it possible for you to talk to each other. Take a walk together. Several years ago, my
husband and I started walking to try to increase our energy and help with some stressful situations that we were dealing with
at that time. We discovered that when we were walking, we ended up talking more than we had ever found time to do at
home. At home, there were always phone calls, visitors, or chores to keep us preoccupied. Even when we were taking
leisurely walks, it promoted conversation and discussion about all kinds of things. It’s one of the best ways
I know to reconnect with each other.
- Neglecting smiles, gentle words and common courtesies.
When the two of you make contact, smile warmly. Check your tone
of voice when you are impatient. Try to sound sweet, and reward your husband with a hug or a kiss when he takes out
the trash or unloads the dishwasher. Remember the old adage that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
It works even better with husbands than with flies.
- Neglecting companionship. Simply being best friends. Make or arrange times when you can do things together as
a couple. All too often, we put more effort into being with or talking to other people than we do with each other.
Lack of energy is often
a hindrance when we grow older. Sometimes one of us may not have the energy or physical ability to indulge in sexual
relations in the same way we used to. If the desire is there, both partners need to communicate that need. Making
love is not limited to sexual intercourse. There are many other pleasurable ways to share and express the love for one
another. Explore ways that the two of you might do these. Talk to each other about your needs and desires. Plan
a time when you will have privacy, free from distractions. That may mean turning the ringer off on the phone for an hour or
so. Discuss what each of you would like and what you can or cannot do. This is particularly true when chronic
illness, fatigue or disabilities are factors. Some planning ahead of time may be necessary. Here are a few suggestions
which might help you plan and manage intimacy:
- Plan for intimacy at a time of day when you usually feel your best.
- Perhaps if you take a dose of your pain-relief medication so that the effects will coincide with your lovemaking
– unless, of course it makes you feel drowsy.
- You probably already plan your activities to avoid extreme fatigue for certain activities,
like Sunday worship, grocery shopping, etc. Planning a time for intimacy may not be spontaneous, but for most
of us, when our children were small it was necessary to plan time for making love, too.
- Take a hot shower before making love. It helps to soothe and relax your joints and muscles.
- In fact, take a shower or bath with each other. That can be as intimate as you would like
to make it, and very pleasurable for both of you. And be sure to let the other person know what feels good.
- After your shower, gently apply lotion to one another. You can enjoy pleasant sensations,
warmth and affection even if your pain was not relieved. Gentle touching may feel especially good to one whose body
is often a source of pain.
Here are some other simple
suggestions that will keep (or rekindle) romance in your marriage. They amount to ways to show affection, tenderness,
and keeping each other aware of your love and your continued need for each other. - Hold
hands when you walk or sit beside each other.
- Snuggle on the couch together.
- Leave little
love notes in unusual places, where he will be sure to find them. I leave mine taped to the door knob, taped
to the bathroom mirror, and sometimes rolled up and sticking up out of my husband’s coffee mug or tucked into the handle
of his briefcase. I’ve even left one or two in his Bible (at the location where I knew he was teaching or studying
in Bible class. Draw a red heart or a smiley face on a note you leave for him.
- Leave special things that you
know he likes, along with a little note. A piece of chocolate, or some other special treat that might surprise
him.
- Touch each other. When you walk behind the chair where he is sitting, touch his shoulder,
or stop and lean down to kiss him on the cheek.
- Say, “I love you,” often and express
it with a touch to his face, or his hair or simply with a hug. A simple touch is a sweet communication from you to him,
or vice versa.
- Make or arrange time for just the two of you. If others live in the house, go for a walk together,
or just go into the bedroom and close the door. If making love isn’t feasible in the middle of the day, you can
lie beside each other and talk, or simply hold each other close.
You and your husband have a long term relationship. You’ve been building it for many
years. It’s important to find ways to continue sharing with each other if you want to maintain
that loving relationship.
And it's winter before we know it....
You
know, time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young,
just married and embarking on a new life with my mate and yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the
years went.
I know
that I lived them all... And
I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams... But, here it is.... the winter of my life and it
catches me by surprise.... How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my babies go? And where did my
youth go? I remember well... seeing
older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off
that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like…. But, here it is, my friends are retired and really
getting grey... they move slower and I see an older person now. Lots are in better shape than me...but, I see the great change....
Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant.... but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now
those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be. Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is
not a treat anymore.... it's mandatory! ‘Cause if I don't on my own free will... I just fall asleep where I
sit! And
so, now I enter into this new season of my life, unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability
to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!!
But, at least I know, that though the winter has come and I'm not sure how long
it will last...this I know, that when it's over.... its over.... but only THIS life is over, for I have a promised eternal
home with my Lord (Titus 1:2; 1 John 5:13). Yes, I have regrets. There are thinks I wish I hadn't done.... things I should
have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime....
So, if you're not in your winter yet.... let me remind you, that it will be here
faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it now! Don't put your heavenly
goal on hold!! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!
You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life.... so, live to
do good today (Micah 6:8) and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember.... and hope that they appreciate
and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!
Author unknown Adapted and submitted by Joanne Beckley
Usefulness
A useless life is early death. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Wanting to be useful is an important part of our nature. We may be easily distracted
from that desire -- and some folks seem to have suppressed the urge altogether! -- but still it's true, we want to feel
that we're of use to somebody. Times of enforced idleness, such as periods of illness or disability, are rarely the times
we remember as the happiest points in our lives. "It is a great misfortune to be of use to nobody" (Baltasar Gracian). In regard to this "misfortune," however, there is something we need to be aware
of: it is never actually the case that we are "of use to nobody." We may feel useless sometimes,
but that feeling is never entirely consistent with reality. My father, for example, who just celebrated his ninetieth birthday,
struggles with feelings of uselessness from time to time. Physically, he's quite limited in what he can do, and it's
often hard for him to see any real purpose for his continued existence in the world. Yet in truth, he continues to be useful
to others in ways that he's not aware of. If nothing else, his example of steadfastness and good cheer is of great value
to all who know him. It's an obvious fact, of course, that our
usefulness can be diminished by circumstances beyond our control. But usually, what is diminished is only our
preferred and customary way of being useful. What we need to do is let go of the past and have the humility to switch
gears. We need to adjust ourselves to new ways of being useful, ways that may be less congenial to us but are no
less valuable to others. In the real world, there will be few days when
we can't do something that somebody else needs to have done. We can be useful if that's what we want to be, and it's
a great thing to set that as our goal. An even greater goal, however, is to combine usefulness with grace. We can
diminish the amount of drabness in the world by (1) doing what needs to be done and (2) doing it in such a way that delights
and encourages those whom we serve. Pragmatism and practicality are commendable qualities in their own right, but
they're nothing short of astonishing when they're clothed with the added quality of grace! The difference between utility and utility plus beauty
is the difference between telephone wires and the spider's
web. Edwin Way Teale
~Enthusiastic Ideas by Gary Henry www.wordpoints.com
THOUGHTS ON BEING A GRANDPARENT
By: Joanne Beckley
1. Grandchildren
keep me young and on my toes.
2. I
have someone of my own flesh to love.
3. If
I take a sincere interest in what interests my grandchildren, they will think I’m pretty special.
4. I must continually remind my grandchildren that both
parents love them.
5. I
must never criticize their parents in front of them.
6. When
I reminisce and share memories we’ve created together, I will bolster my grandchildren’s relationship with their
parents.
7. What are
grandparents for? Charlie Shedd said they are for wondering with, for really listening, for saying “no” sometimes,
for having fun with, for remembering, and for saying, “I think you’re OK.”
8. I can teach my grandchildren love, care, constancy, common sense and hope for
the future.
9. I can
teach what I have learned about prayer, meditation, Bible study.
10. I can teach about loving the unlovable, about preparing ahead for problems
sure to be coming.
11. I
can show them how to build, fill and keep an inner reservoir.
12. I must not lower my own standards just because my grandchildren have.
13. I can provide a place which will always be the same.
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14.
My grandchildren hear more from
what
I do than from what I say.
15.
I can accent the positive in my
grandchildren’s
lives.
16. When my grandchildren come
to visit me:
- One family/one child at a time
- Take it slow to re-acquaint
- Be wary of
too many gifts
- Never interfere with parental
rules –
go for a walk! - If it is an extended stay,
maintain routines.
17. I will keep myself and my home
neat and attractive, and welcoming so they will want to come; so that they will be proud to introduce me to their friends.
18. I will be happy. The world is full of pessimism.
19. I must remain aware of what is going
on in the world/child’s life to maintain my credibility.
20. If I am able to babysit, I will offer when I want to, and whenever
able in emergencies.
21. I will continue
to hold their grand-father/mother’s hand and we will smile at each other.
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Bearing Fruit In Old
Age
One of the greatest leaders in history didn't begin his public
ministry until he was eighty years old. Moses, it appears, would have been quite content to live out his life in the quiet
recesses of Midian, but God had other plans. At the burning bush, God told Moses to do now, in the strength of the Lord, what
he had attempted forty years earlier in his own strength---deliver Israel from Egyptian oppression. Perhaps even more impressive,
is that after two years of service, he consented to thirty eight more. Too many Christians work hard in the kingdom of the
Lord until they reach retirement years when they not only retire from their calling in the world, but also from their work
in the church. The example of Moses shows us that for some the most fruitful years in the service of the Lord begin after
retirement. Every stage of life has its own temptations and in every stage of life, we must war against the flesh. For the
aging, the temptation is often to quit the race and stand on the sidelines. The exhortation is to resist this temptation.
Find a way to bear fruit in the kingdom. Use your golden years to strengthen your relationship to Christ through the disciplines
of prayer, meditation, and study. Use your time to serve others who need your help, whether they are the sick, the young mothers,
the spiritually weak, or those more advanced in years than yourself. There is always work to do and in the body of Christ
there are no unnecessary members.
by Lawrence Kelley
via Whit Sasser's Exhortations &
Stuff
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One
yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little
white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue
ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple
pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell
me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest
of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big
and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds
of ills.
But
what I'd really like to know.....
Is what tells each one where to go!
There's always a lot to be thankful for if
you take time to look for it. For example
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is
that wrinkles don't hurt...
Laughter is the sunshine of the mind.
By Joanne Beckley
This thought gave me pause. Do I? . . . Do I have laughter/joy
in my heart? Or, instead, have I allowed troubles and trials to hide or even erase my joy? The older I get, the more
I seem to need others to prompt laughter from my mouth. When did my joyful heart leave? I used to sing around the house, or
while traveling down the road. . . Okay, so my singing isn't what it used to be, but look who's listening! Perhaps
I have allowed the burden of sin to silence me. Or maybe it is because I am surrounded by the increased burden of sin all
around me and have therefore allowed it to displace my joy. Truly, it does take an "uprightness of heart" to
feel joy (1 Chron.29:17), to maintain a balanced heart for the LORD. The Bible commentator Adam Clarke said it well, concerning
Neh.8:10: "For the joy of the Lord is your strength." This is no gluttonous and
drunken festival that enervates the body, and enfeebles the mind: from your religious feast your bodies will acquire strength
and your minds power and fervor, so that you shall be able to DO HIS will, and to do it cheerfully. Religious joy, properly
tempered with continual dependence on the help of God, meekness of mind, and self-diffidence, is a powerful means of strengthening
the soul. In such a state every duty is practicable, and every duty delightful. In such a frame of mind no man
ever fell, and in such a state of mind the general health of the body is much improved; a cheerful heart is not only a continual
feast, but also a continual medicine." When laughter is not present, the heart has lost its
sunshine.
And now, I ask, are you still singing? Do you still see the humor in everyday happenings? Are you feasting on the words
of God? Or perhaps you too have found yourself either sitting with gloomy thoughts or just sitting there? So, while I am remind
myself, I write these words to you.
"Joyfulness keeps the heart and face young.
A good laugh makes us better friends with ourselves and everybody around
us." ~ Orison Swett Marden The Healing Power of Laughter
You have probably heard the old saying that “laughter
is the best medicine.” But did you know that many doctors and scientists are actually studying laughter and the effects
it may have on our health?
Some recent studies have shown: n Laughter may reduce the risk of heart attack by lowering stress, which can destroy the
lining of blood vessels. n Laughter may
help people cope with pain caused by illness and decrease anxiety before operations or other medical tests because it helps
us to relax. n
Laughter may lower stress hormones that otherwise would raise
blood pressure and impair the immune system.
We sometimes do not express negative feelings, such as anger, sadness and fear.
Laughter can help to release these emotions in a harmless way.
What Happens When You Laugh?
Laughter is our body’s response to humor. When we laugh two things usually happen. We make sound, which can range
from a soft chuckle to a hearty roar, and parts of our bodies move, depending on how hard we are laughing.
We use 15 different muscles in our face when we laugh. Muscles in our arms, legs, chest and stomach may get involved,
especially if we think something is really funny.
Most people have had the
experience of laughing so hard that their stomach muscles hurt. We may gasp for air or our eyes may tear up. In the end, it
may feel as if you just had a workout. Researchers say that laughing 100 times is probably equal to riding an exercise bike
for 15 minutes! http://www.berksseniors.org/health.asp
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