Finding Blessings In Our Loss…
Dot Gosnell
A
lot of people (some probably within the Lord’s church) would probably question how anyone could consider having breast
cancer, not once, but twice, as a blessing. Well, there are many blessings to be found in this, as with
many other illnesses. I am not saying I wanted to have breast cancer or that anyone else wants to have
any kind of disease. We
all know that isn’t the case.
Here are some reasons I feel
this way:
I now know what it
is like to feel true pain. Not only physical pain, but also emotional pain. I can help
others who are going through what I have been through. We all know that when you are trying to help someone
else out with something that they are going through, it makes it easier to help them, if they know that you have been through
the same thing.
I now know what it is to really feel the true love of my family. My
husband, who so gallantly stood by my side through this whole ordeal, hardly ever left my side through
both surgeries and was right here in this house for me if I needed any kind of help. He went with me to
all of my doctors appointments, with pen and paper in hand, in order to write down everything that the doctors would be telling
us, knowing that we would forget things if he didn’t do this. I never saw him cry until the second
surgery, right before I went into the operating room, and then he just couldn’t contain it anymore. He
didn’t want to see me have to go through this again. I have to tell you that it made me feel good
to be able to hug him and give him some comfort this time. Our daughter, Melissa standing there
trying so hard not to cry so she could help to bolster up Mom and Dad, who needed her then. Such a blessing
our daughter is to us. What a blessing this wonderful family of mine.
I
now really know what it is like to fee the true love of brethren. Cindy Granke, my friend for well over
20 years, coming into the
hospital right after surgery and leaving me a note to let me know that she had been there. I was out cold
at the time but it meant a lot to read that note when I woke up. Then to come back and bring me a wonderful
stuffed teddy bear, that I named Cindy. Arnie Granke, for stopping up at the hospital to
talk to Fred and let him know he was there. I barely remember him being there, as that was a bad night
for me. All of the other wonderful brethren, who we worship with…. Dot Richardson,
who went out of her way, even with her very busy schedule to see to it that Fred’s (elderly)mom and (disabled) sister
got to their appointments and also went to get their groceries for them. All of the other brethren here
at Woodland, who brought encouragement and food for both Fred and I. So
many brethren from several different congregations around us.
David and Anne Powlas, for their encouraging
emails and cyber cards; Kenny and Diane Owens for their phone calls and cards; Jim and
Kay Cliatt for their cards. So many who sent encouraging e-mails and cards. These are
all blessings.
I now know what it
is like to have friends who we have never met personally and be uplifted by them. One of these I am going
to single out, but I want you all to know how very, very much you all are appreciated. This person is Gene
Britton. You see, Gene’s wife had gone to be with the Lord not long before my diagnosis and surgery.
This wonderful man, in the midst of his own loss and pain of missing his own wife, sent us daily encouraging emails.
He was always encouraging, even though we knew he had to be having some bad days. Never could
we read between the lines anything that sounded like anything other than love, encouragement, and letting us know he was there,
praying for us. He prayed for before my surgery, during it, and after it, and he wanted Fred to know that
he was there for him. He was concerned how Fred was doing. Understandably, we sometimes
tend to focus on the person who is going through the pain, and we forget the emotional pain and helpless feeling that the
husband, wife, daughter, or son of the patient is going through. He knew! He was there,
and continues to be there. This is total selflessness and you are truly a blessing, Gene Britton.
I now really know the true blessings in life and I am not concerned with
dying. I know that I will be with the Lord and I know that God will see to it that my family is taken care
of. True blessings come in the least expected things. Yes, we all have so much to be
thankful for.
The letter above appeared in the April 1999 issue of Our Hope. Dot overcame the sufferings
of the flesh and escaped the bonds of earth in March of 2007. This seemed an appropriate time to share
her letter about finding blessings in her suffering.
Our thanks to Debra Griffin,
one of our readers who has shared her own losses with us in the letter below. ♥ When you share
your sorrows and your losses with us, it helps other readers to realize that they are not alone in their grief. ♥ When
you share how you coped with your grief, it helps other readers in their own struggle to cope with their own grief.
Cindy
Today is a difficult day for me, made much easier by prayer and celebrating the birthdays of our Grandaughter Kaylie, Daughter-In-Laws
Jenny & Holly & our oldest Son Gregg's birthdays in the month of Dec.
32 years ago today I laid in a hospital where I gave birth to our precious baby girl Kendra who was stilborn. Then on this
day in 2001 my father (whom I really never knew) passed away. Though I did not know him, it made his passing more difficult
along with the fact that he was not a Christian. I look at this day each year and I feel sadness. But then I reflect on the
one card that someone sent to us when we lost Kendra. It said, "When God closes a door he opens a window" It took
only a year for us to understand what window he opened. Many wonderful things have happened to us & people brought into
our lives over the years that showed us, yes God does open a window.
But the first window
He opened came just a year after we lost Kendra. A gift from God our Gregg was born on Dec 20, 1976 8 lbs 4 oz 21 1/4 in.
long. A bundle of joy that was so welcomed and loved beyond words.
Then the 2nd window
He opened with another gift our Chuck was born on Jan 20, 1979 7 lbs 4 oz 19 inches long. A bundle of joy again loved beyond
words!
Each have brought blessings and growth to their father & myself over the years.
Then window # 3 was opened, in July 1979 I found out that I was expecting again!! We
were so excited, but soon that excitement turned to grief at the miscarriage of yet another baby. But a blessing in that we
know our baby is with God & their sister. And a valuable lesson that one day would help others.
The 4th window He opened Jenny our daughter-in-law walked through more than 12 yrs. ago. When Gregg & Jenny started dating
we started celebrating her birth on Dec. 10th, that made Dec. 11th a little less painful. She has blessed our home in more
ways than I can express. Taking care of my father-in-law & at the loss of Joe's father she was right by my side ever
supportive!
Our 5th window came as Jenny & Gregg blessed us with news around Thanksgiving
2003 where we gathered family & friends around our phone in the office with family on the other end of the line in Okla.
And we announced that they were going to make us Grandparents!! There were lots of congrats and hugs to go around!! Then on
Dec. 15th 2003 Gregg called with tears telling us that Jenny was losing the baby. Our hearts were broken for the pain of loss
that they were feeling. Our prayers were at that time, that through our own loss years before we were able to comfort them
in some way. So our 1st grandbaby rest in heaven in the care of God with Aunt Kendra & 2 of her sibblings. Though a loss,
still a blessing that can't be described with words, but one that the heart feels.
Then in 2004 when our youngest daughter-in-law Holly entered through window #6 that God opened
for us. We celebrate her birth on Dec. 24th each year!! She came into our lives during the beginning of Joe's dad's
illness & death. She started out sitting with me in the E.R. where I was told to call the family home. She sat with dad
& he felt comfortable with her there as I made those difficult calls to his children. Though she did not know us, she
was wonderful to us. She has blessed our home in the last 3 yrs. beyond what words can describe.
Then almost 30 yrs. from the date that we lost Kendra came our 7th gift from God. Kaylie Marie born Dec. 5, 2005 A day that
every emotion that I had know, I felt all at one time. From extreme joy to a sense of what I had lost years earlier. Kaylie
is now 2 and she has blessed our home so. Blessed with a little personality that demands attention to all who pass by her!!
She is our oldest grandaughter.
Then just short of 6 weeks after God had blessed us so
with Kaylie, our 8th opened window our gift from God, Presley Jade was born, she struggled from birth for life. She spent
over a week in NICU, but the zeal for life and strength this precious baby girl showed was unbelieveable. She is almost 2
and still has that strength & zeal for life! One man described her as gleaming when she walked into the room & happy
to see you & expressed it with her face. Doctor's are amazed that she is so healthy after enduring the illneses at
birth.
And surprise here came our 9th opened window from God,
Avery Skye was born April 18, 2007! A vibrant, loving, happy girl who has the most beautiful smile on earth! She is still
little enough to give you big slobbery kisses & we love each one of them!! She have given us much joy and she isn't
a year yet!!
Then something we didn't expect at all, our 10th gift from God is getting ready to through that window He has
opened!! Another Grandaughter will be born around April 22, 2008!! The day after Grandma's birthday!! Having Jenny due
around the same time as Holly was a year ago is very wonderful!! We have not seen her, but Jenny has let both Joe & I
feel her in mommy's tummy! We can already tell how special she is going to be!
Thanks
be to God, that He always blesses us in ways that we never dreamed of. He gives us strength & peace that passes all of
our understanding.
Today was a difficult day, but spending the day with 2 of the gifts
that God has so richly blessed us with was so delightful. We went to the Zoo with Jenny & Kaylie! It was a cold, gloomy
day. But just knowing the gifts from God we have in them made it very bright & cheerful. And what is really strange, is
that Joe as he waited outside the bathroom for us heard something that really touched our hearts. He told us when we came
out that a mother came up and sat down, she had a little girl and she called her name out, "Kendra" How sweet is
that.
After the zoo we went out to eat. Jenny & Kaylie sat across from us. Kaylie
reached for me & as I took her, my heart felt that it would burst with love and peace. The pain I felt for so many years
has gradually subsided & our windows that God blessed us through has filled our hearts and lives with love & laughter.
Thanks be to God He is so wonderful.
Take courage if you have suffered loss, one day
that loss will be a blessing and not a heartache to you. Reach for Him and hold on tight and trust in His words. May God bless
each of you as He has so RICHLY blessed us!!
There is a book that I recommend to
all. A dear sister in Christ who has suffered so many losses, has written it. She is one of the most positive women I know.
I thank God that I have her to look up to. Her name is Margaret Head & The book has brought tears to mens eyes, but gives
courage for the heart. Margaret sent me the manuscript of this new book, "Can Grief Be A Blessing" and touched my
heart in a way that only few have. She knew that I have suffered for over 20 yrs. with pain. She wanted "ME" to
let her know what I thought of it. It is real life folks, there may be people in the book that you know. Margaret has suffered
many losses in her own life, and yet still chose to nurse the patients that she knew she would lose. I know personally how
she has touched the life of many Christians along her way. She is bubbly, joyful, zealous & the most gentle woman I've
ever met! She has been a Christian for most of her life and writes accordingly! I wrote her and told her I loved the book
so much that when it came out for print to let me know and I would send the info. out to all of you. I've read it, and
still I'm going to buy the book. It's one that you want in your liberary to pass it along to your children and grandchildren.
Let Magaret know that I sent this to you, Please support this woman who has striven to be the virtuous woman of Prov. 31:10-31
I think Margaret is now in her 80's and you would never know it! Please pass it on to those you know. Her name is Margaret
Head & here is her email address please if you can write to her and request your copy of her book.
maggieks126@earthlink.net
Love & Prayers
Deb Griffin
If God brings you to it,
He will bring you through it.
Happy
moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God
Can Grief be a Blessing?
by
Margaret E. Head
(a book review)
In last month's issue Debra Griffin mentioned
a book by Margaret Head, "Can Grief Be a Blessing?" Debra writes: "There is a book that I recommend to all. A dear sister in Christ who has suffered so many losses,
has written it. She is one of the most positive women I know. I thank God that I have her to look up to. Her name is Margaret
Head & The book has brought tears to mens eyes, but gives courage for the heart. Margaret sent me the manuscript of this
new book, "Can Grief Be A Blessing" and touched my heart in a way that only few have. She knew that I have suffered
for over 20 yrs. with pain. She wanted "ME" to let her know what I thought of it. It is real life folks, there may
be people in the book that you know. Margaret has suffered many losses in her own life, and yet still chose to nurse the patients
that she knew she would lose. I know personally how she has touched the life of many Christians along her way. She is bubbly,
joyful, zealous & the most gentle woman I've ever met! She has been a Christian for most of her life and writes accordingly!
I wrote her and told her I loved the book so much that when it came out for print to let me know and I would send the info.
out to all of you. I've read it, and still I'm going to buy the book. It's one that you want in your liberary
to pass it along to your children and grandchildren. Let Magaret know that I sent this to you, Please support this woman who
has striven to be the virtuous woman of Prov. 31:10-31 I think Margaret is now in her 80's and you would never know it!
Please pass it on to those you know. Her name is Margaret Head & here is her email address please if you can write to
her and request your copy of her book."
maggieks126@earthlink.net
The book is a written narrative on grief,
containig memories of family and friends of Margaret. Scriptures, quotes and poetry (some written by Margaret) are scattered
throughout the book. A very helpful chapter on Guidelines for Service to Others follows the narration and
Margaret concludes with a chapter on knowing our Lord Jesus Christ and His salvation, thus making this book very helpful to
give to friends outside of Christ.
Margaret writes: This narrative was written to show how God has comforted
me in every aspect of my life and has also afforded me the ability to bring a certain degree of comfort to others; and above
all, to learn great, valuable lessons from His created beings. Thanks be to God for health and strength and the immeasurable
joy and peace to be found in living for Him. May I have the strength and dignity to honor Him in my death like those
who have so courageously gone on to their reward.
Margaret told me I could print
any part of her book for this review and I have chosen a poem she had written for her sister, Maxine, who had lived with debilitating
arthritis since a teenager, and died September 2, 1996 from cancer. This poem not only speaks of Maxine's life as a gift
to others, but is an example of how Margaret chooses to look for the blessings in grief.
ONE
OF A KIND 
I came to her home, it was so quiet and still,
Except for the bird perched high on the sill.
The bird, though singing, went unobserved,
As I was deep in the grief I felt I deserved.
I saw the hospital bed in the den
Reminding me I won't see her again.
The mixer that once stirred cinnamon
rolls
Sits idle on the counter, looking well-used and old.
The shoes that once held her tired, crippled feet
Sit worn, in the closet, in pairs placed so neat.
The crocheted afghans she loved to make
Wait folded, in drawers, for someone to take.
The sympathy cards piled high on the table
Tell how she was loved, as much as they're able.
The flowers she tended, still bloom and flourish
Waiting now for someone to love and to nourish.
She is gone! Such a loss! Such a void in my world!
Her house is so empty - my thoughts are awhirl!
Sleep has eluded me so many nights,
What have I done? Was it wrong? Was it right?
Then the bird on the sill caught my eye as it flew,
And I watched as it soared and then faded from view.
Then it came to me - her life, too, was a song,
A beautiful melody eighty years long.
"Sing and be happy;" just say, "I can do it!
"Ignore pain and suffering - just put your mind to it!
"Help your brother, your neighbor in need,
"Keep your life free of all envy and greed."
These were
the thoughts that her life brought to mind,
My sister, my friend, had been one of a kind!
Crippled hands, crippled
feet, nothing daunted her smile,
Each day of her life she went that "extra mile."
I now see her home as
not empty at all,
But full of sweet memories for me to recall.
Like the bird, she has left us a beautiful song.
A beautiful melody, eighty years long!
 Helping Grandchildren Deal with Grief
We all want what’s best for our grandchildren. We want
to keep them safe. We want to protect them from pain and sadness. We’d like them to stay as innocent as they were on
the day they were born. Unfortunately, we can’t keep
bad things from happening to those we love. Before they reach adulthood, many children will experience a major loss that will
cause them intense pain. Their parents may divorce. A parent, sibling or other loved one may die after a long illness or an
accident. These events can turn a child’s world upside down. Some grandchildren grieve because a parent is in jail,
addicted to drugs, or abusive. These children often feel abandoned. They go through a grieving process similar to that experienced
by children whose parents have died. Normal Reactions
– and Causes for Worry
Children often have trouble accepting that a death has occurred or that a parent
has abandoned them. They don’t quite know what to do about the pain they feel. They miss the person who is gone. They
worry about who will take care of them. And they do all of this with the immature emotions of a child. Children who are grieving
need plenty of help from all the adults in their lives, including their grandparents. For a certain period of time, it’s normal for a grieving grandchild to: - Feel depressed or anxious.
- Act out or become angry.
- Act younger than they are by wetting the bed or sucking their
thumb (if they didn’t before).
- Blame themselves for
a death or the fact that a parent can’t take care of them.
- Play
make-believe games about death and dying.
There is no
timetable for grieving. Behaviors should improve as the child moves through the grieving process. If the behavior persists,
consider seeking outside help. Getting this help is particularly important if the child: - Talks about "joining" the person who has died.
- Has a dramatic decline in school performance.
- Becomes
involved with drugs or alcohol.
- Won’t or can’t
connect with others.
- Has nightmares or trouble sleeping for
an extended period.
The Way Children Mourn
Children grieve differently than adults do. First, children don’t show grief all the time. Many children will seem
upset only sometimes—and for short periods of time. Don’t let this fool you. It doesn’t mean that a child
has “gotten over” his or her grief. It just means that the child can’t focus on these intense emotions for
very long. This is the mind’s way of protecting the child from being overwhelmed by strong emotions. Don’t be surprised if a child takes longer to finish grieving than you do.
Children may need to mourn over and over again. They might return to their grief each time they enter a new stage of their
lives. How children respond to loss will depend on their age.
An infant won’t understand the concept of death. But he or she will sense—and be upset by—the emotional
tension that the family is experiencing. A preschooler may understand something about death. But he or she may see death as
a kind of sleep. This child may believe that the deceased person is coming back. As children get older, they begin to understand the possibility of their own deaths. Beginning at age 6, they become
afraid of dying. As they get older, they begin to see death as something that is final and something that happens to everyone.
Teenagers often have a very hard time with grief. They may
look like adults, but they are still children at heart. Don’t expect them to be strong or to support other family members
during this time. Instead, try to give them as much support as possible. If you can’t provide that support, see if you
can get the teen to talk with a school counselor, therapist or another caring adult. What Can You Do to Help?
Grandparents are in a good position to “be there” for
a grandchild who has lost a loved one. If other members of the family are caught up in grief, they may not notice what the
child is going through. As a grandparent, you can focus on the child and make sure he or she gets needed support. Here are some tips for helping a grieving grandchild: - Talk about what has happened. Be calm and quiet. Tell the truth and keep it simple.
Answer questions honestly. Make sure the child understands your answer.
- Be patient. Children often need to have things repeated. You may have to answer the same question more than once.
- Share your own feelings about the loss. Ask the child to
share feelings too. You may have to help the child put feelings into words. Drawing pictures and playing with dolls may help.
- Help the child remember the person who is gone. If a loved
one has died, involve the child in the funeral, if he or she wants to be involved. But be sure to prepare the child for what
will happen during the ceremony. If a parent is in jail, help the child write letters or take the child to visit the prison.
If a parent has abandoned the child, make sure the child knows this isn’t his or her fault.
You can’t protect your grandchildren from sadness. But you can help them
mourn and move on. Your support will let your grandchildren know that they are not alone. Your understanding will help your
grandchildren understand and cope with the terrible thing that has happened to them. And your love will reassure your grandchildren
that there will always be someone who cares about them and wants to take care of them.
A Child's Grief
by M.S. Lowndes
Lord you care so much
For the tears of a hurting child
Who has felt the grief of tragedy
Now no longer wears a smile
Unable
to clearly express
How much he’s hurting inside
Not fully understanding the pain
Nor knowing the reasons
‘why’
He wants so much to reach out
To someone who will listen
Someone that can hold him
close
And respond with godly wisdom
For he just needs a grown up
To know what he’s going through
But often we don’t realize his grief
Because we are hurting too
Let him know you care Lord
And
will be there when we’re not
The emptiness he feels within
May be filled with you oh God
May he
know you as a father
And know you’re by his side
To come and wipe his tears away
When alone he silently
cries
Hold him in your arms Lord
So he will be at peace
Allow us all to give him time
In dealing
with his grief
For tears may last all night
But joy comes in the morning
So let him grieve throughout
the night
For a new day will be dawning.
From the mail: "I
think there are an awful lot of brethren and an awful lot of churches who are going to have to answer for how they treat the
widows in their midst. My dear husband has been dead for 8 years and I still miss him every hour of every day and struggle
spiritually because of his loss of leadership. But no one has ever even asked me how I am doing spiritually or if there is
anything they can do. Church is not a place of comfort, it's a place to miss that one person more painfully because you
feel like no one really cares. And one member in our congregation, as he made announcements, told the members to make sure
they checked on a young wife because her husband was out of town on business. Didn't seem to occur to him that her husband
chose to be gone, but mine didn't. And at least she could pick up the phone and talk to hers, I can't. But the widow
is just supposed to go on as if nothing has happened!"
And in those days, when the number of the disciples was multiplied, there arose a murmuring
of the Grecians against the Hebrews, because their widows were neglected in the daily ministration. Then the twelve called
the multitude of the disciples unto them, and said, It is not reason that we should leave the word of God, and serve tables.
Wherefore, brethren, look ye out among you seven men of honest report, full of the Holy Ghost and wisdom, whom we may appoint
over this business. But we will give ourselves continually to prayer, and to the ministry of the word.
(Acts 6:1-4)
The Widow In Our Midst
By Cindy Granke
Is there anyone among
us who does not feel compassion for a woman, young or old, left alone by the death of her husband? Christians
misunderstand who may and who may not undertake the responsibility of caring for and providing for the widow.
Clearly the passage above indicates that the local congregation bears some responsibility to the widow(s) in their
midst.
Much has been written about the church’s responsibility in these matters, and by brethren
who are much more capable than I. But in any discussion about the needs of a Christian who is a widow I
would be remiss if I did not take a moment to talk about the very specific instructions given to the local congregations about
the qualifications which make a widow eligible for the church to commit to financial responsibility toward her care and needs.
The Apostle Paul provides these in 1st Timothy 5:3-10: - She is desolate,
without family to provide for her needs. The Greek word implies to isolate; one who is entirely bereaved.
- She trusts in God. Her hope, confidence and expectation rests in God.
- She continues
in daily prayers and supplications (see also Romans 12:12).
- She is at least 60 years old.
- She has been the wife of only one husband.
- She is has a reputation for good works.
- She has raised children – either her own or orphans.
- She has lodged strangers (i.e. hospitality,
see Rom 12:13 & 1 Pet. 4:8-10) and washed the saints feet. In Bible times travelers often walked, and
wore sandals. Hospitality involved giving them something to eat and drink and to wash their feet, thus
refreshing them from their travel (See Gen. 18:4).
- She has relieved the afflicted. This
involves visiting and ministering to them. Today that usually includes cooking meals for the family, doing
errands or whatever can be done to help ease the burden of the family who is ill or grieving or unable to provide necessities
for themselves.
- She has been diligent in good works – doing the Lord’s work with all her heart, soul, and strength.
Paul emphasized in verse 4 of the above passage that the children and grandchildren of a
widow have a moral and Scriptural obligation to provide for her. If they refuse to honor
her in this way, Paul says they are worse than an unbeliever (verses 8-9); and, “If any man or
woman that believeth have widows, let them relieve them, and let not the church be charged; that it may relieve them that
are widows indeed” (verse 16).
As you can see, the Scriptures are very
specific about the widow who may receive regular financial support from the local congregation. What about
the widow who doesn’t meet the above qualifications? Perhaps she has been faithful and is now physically
and/or financially unable to provide for her health care expenses, or needs. She may have raised children,
but they are unable or unwilling to take the responsibility for her care.
What The Individual Can Do
As we have therefore opportunity,
let us do good unto all men, especially
unto them who are
of the household of faith (Galatians
6: 10) When there is no one else to do it, individual Christians
have wonderful opportunities to show their love and care for others. A good starting place is in the first chapter of James.
Notice that the whole chapter is written to the individual Christians in a congregation. “Pure
religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, to visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep
himself unspotted from the world” (James 1:27). “Pure and undefiled religion demands ‘personal
contact’ with the world's sorrow: to visit the afflicted, and to visit them in their affliction” (Vincent's
Word Studies in the New Testament). This involves more than just responsibility.
It involves an attitude of sisterly love and kindness. The word for affliction in this verse is
defined as being burdened, in anguish, tribulation or trouble.
There are many kinds of emotional and physical help that a widow may need right after her husband’s death has occurred
– things like child care, help in notifying family and friends, meals that are prepared and brought to the home, and
someone to take care of immediate needs in the house – washing dirty dishes, laundry, preparing the house for the arrival
of a lot of company, checking to make sure the garbage and trash cans are emptied and running errands that the widow may not
be able to manage in her shock and grief. And this is just a start.
Over the next several months, there are many things that a widow must manage
that she may never have needed to do before. - She may need financial help for immediate needs from time to time, until she can get on her feet and cope on her
own.
- She may need help handling the family checkbook and juggling
the finances, especially if her husband always took care of that task.
- She
may need help with minor repairs around the house.
- Her children may need
someone to be like a daddy to them, to toss a ball with them, or a father to gently counsel them. Perhaps
the widow may need counseling herself from a godly disciple, as well.
Maybe this is a good time to mention that it is never a good idea for a Christian man to visit the widow at home alone.
Christians should never give neighbors or anyone else an occasion to speak reproachfully about them (1 Tim 5:14). This is a good opportunity for both
husband and wife to visit. While he repairs the kitchen sink or mows the lawn, his wife might bring along
a covered dish, or simply listen and offer a shoulder to lean on. That includes gaining more insight into
what needs exist that require sympathetic attention.
One who is grieving may need
to get out of the house. At such a time it’s easy to withdraw into oneself and avoid going any place
– especially public places, for fear of beginning to weep in front of others who don’t know her or her grief.
|
There are so many ways we, as sisters in Christ, may comfort and encourage a grieving widow
or mother – even years later. The grief of death may become less raw, but it never completely goes
away and certain days, songs or other things recall the sadness of her loss. Consider Romans 12:10-16 for
reminders. - Be kindly affectioned
one to another with brotherly love; in honor preferring one another - Don’t forget to send her
a card or call her on special days. Include days like Thanksgiving and Mother’s Day or other special
occasions that are now lonely for the one grieving. Better yet, invite her to join your family on those
days.
- Rejoicing in hope - Remind her of the hope of being with her loved
one in the hereafter. That is truly one of the most comforting thoughts to a grieving person.
- Patient in tribulation - Grief continues for a long time, and she may feel she is
doing just fine when the smallest thing occurs and she dissolves in tears. Time won’t make the pain
go away but it does make it bearable. Be patient and give her time.
- Distributing
to the necessity of saints - If she is physically unable to work, or can’t drive and needs transportation
to the grocery store or doctors appointments, offer to drive her. She is our sister in Christ and we have an opportunity to
show kindness to her. She may not have money for groceries one week. Get together with
other ladies in the congregation to bring some groceries to her. Maybe add in a couple of nice items that
aren’t necessities (like a magazine, a scented candle, or a small bouquet of flowers) to let her know you care.
- Given
to hospitality - Don’t forget to include her in your hospitality.
She is still a part of the congregation and should be included in activities with other sisters in the church.
- Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep - The
roller coaster of grief does give opportunities to laugh together or remember good times, as well as weeping together (or
comforting) when it’s a time for tears, even if it is years later when she has a day when all of her memories come flooding
back to her, and she simply needs the release that tears bring.
- Pray for her, and pray with her - Knowing that
others are praying for you is always appreciated. Having someone say to you, “Let’s pray
about this together,” and then proceeding to pray aloud with you and for you is one of the best gifts one Christian
can give another.
Read Mt. 25:35-40. As you read this passage, place yourself in the
setting. The widow in her affliction is surely needy and worthy of our visits and care and love, especially
as Christians.
What Can The Widow Do?
I often receive letters, emails and
phone calls from sisters in Christ who feel that the Christians in their local congregations do not invite them into their
homes, and in some cases never have gatherings at all. Unfortunately there are congregations where the
members do not reach out to each other in hospitality. It’s sad because it’s hard for members
of the local church to feel the close ties of a family, if they never spend time with one another.
My advice to those who come to me about this is that they have a great opportunity to teach by doing. Be
a joiner. If you involve yourself with others, they will be involved with you. If brethren
don’t invite you into their homes, plan a get-together and invite them into yours. Whenever possible,
do for them what you need them to do for you. Guide them by your example.
If your grief is recent,
you probably won’t feel up to doing anything like that for many months. Give yourself time, but don’t
be shy about doing the inviting when you are able. If I may adapt a line from President John F. Kennedy,
Ask Not What Others Can Do For You. Ask What You Can Do For Others.
First of all: If the lack of getting together
outside of the assemblies is a problem at your congregation, take the initiative and invite as many families as your living
room or even your back yard can hold. Covered dish get-togethers are fun because you get to sample everyone’s
best dishes, exchange recipes, and get to know each other better. Tell them to bring hymn books, and plan
on singing after supper.
And above all things have fervent love
for one another, for love will cover a
multitude of sins. Be hospitable to one
another without
grumbling.
1 Peter
4:8-10
Secondly: I encourage you to pray for your brethren. Many people simply do not understand grief
because they have not yet experienced it. If that is the case where you worship, you have a valuable lesson
to teach the ladies about grief and the needs of the widow or loved one. Also pray for yourself, that your
attitude is humble and your words are sweet because . . .
Thirdly: If you
are feeling neglected or forgotten by members of your congregation, it is important that you tell them. The
longer you allow these feelings to continue without talking to those who make you feel that way, the more likely your heart
will become full of anger and bitterness, causing you to sin. That may seem difficult to do because we
all like to feel that others care about us and when we feel that they do not, it is painful. But if you
don’t tell them of your feelings, they will only continue without even realizing their oversight.
What did Jesus say to do in such a situation?
Be reconciled to your brother or sister (Mathew 5:23-24). We do them and ourselves
a disservice when we do not do this.
Grief continues for months and even years, but we must be careful to stay aware of others in the group who need compassion
for their own very real afflictions and trials, and do our part to reach out to them. Think of saints who
need a helping hand while they or a member of their family are sick or deployed in military service, or coping with grief,
or are struggling with raising their children, or facing financial hardship, or coping any of dozens of other problems.
It can be a real surprise to learn how many in a congregation silently endure their affliction, when simply asking
could bring them an outpouring of help, and care, and prayers, and hugs. When we help them we help ourselves.
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When my own daughter was killed in an automobile accident I was unable to function except in an automatic way every day for
months. Some very dear sisters in Christ and my own sweet sister in the flesh quietly cried with me, encouraged
me, read very long and detailed letters that I wrote in the wee hours of the morning, and never once gave me anything but
love and compassion. They patiently reminded me that the anguish I was feeling would ease up in time.
Many months later, I made up my mind that if I could get beyond my debilitating grief, I was going to devote myself
to helping others who had lost a child. And do you know what? When I started doing that, it actually helped
me in my own loss. I learned that helping others required me to come out of my own misery.
Cindy
Lessons Learned From Adversity
John Shirley is a member of the North Boulevard church of Christ in Tampa, Florida. The following is a short talk, which was given recently by John at the close of
their Wednesday night service. Another member of the congregation, Judy Baker wrote that John had
torn his Achilles tendon while playing racquetball. She quipped, “He still thinks he is
30 – not pushing 60”. She also says, “He has been a teacher for our college age students for a lot of years. He also mentors them and other
young people, often while playing racquetball, or going skiing in the winter in the mountains."
John does not have insurance and some doctors don’t want to treat him once they
learn that he is a “self pay” patient. That was evidently the case during this particular trip to the Emergency
Room. John could have asked someone else to take his place that Wednesday night. Instead,
he chose to be at services on crutches, minus a shoe, and with some pain and difficulty he made his way to the front of the
auditorium to present this lesson/invitation.
This is my first and, undoubtedly my last, barefoot invitation.
I appreciate the special dispensation.
A funny thing happened to me since the last time I spoke to you from
up here. I discovered that you're not too old to find out that you're not that young.
I also did my best
to forget that discovery as soon as possible.
However, please don't ask for a racquetball appointment
until after the Fourth of July, at best.
Before I start, I want to thank all of you for your many demonstrations
of kindness. The key word there is “demonstration.” They've appeared in a number of different
ways, and I appreciate all of them. Just to bring you up to speed: I'm still trying to find out if I have to have
surgery. Frankly, I'm having a lot of trouble finding doctors who'll talk to me. If you know any really
good veterinarians, let me know.
Three Spiritual Lessons
I Learned While Spending Eight Hours in the Tampa General Emergency Room.
1. Life is full of surprises. Not all of them
are pleasant. It's the reason we shouldn't concentrate on building bigger barns.
Beginning in Luke
12:17: “He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place
to store my crops.' Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build
bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods.’ And I'll say to myself, ‘You
have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry.’ But God said to him, 'You
fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?'
This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God.”
You
never know what's around the corner. It could be better than your wildest dreams… or it could be a pair of
crutches.
This is why, by the way, God doesn't give us the ability to see into the future. In
many cases, you really wouldn't want to know what was coming. And besides, it would spoil the surprise.
Conclusion: make the best use of the time you currently have. Make every minute count. Do the best you
can with what you got, today.
2. Coming right out of that last thought:
bodies are breakable. We are vulnerable to a number of physical problems, some of them out of our control, and that's
not going to get any better as time goes by.
Sometimes the parts of us that are “broken” aren't
easily healed. That ranges all the way from my Achilles tendon to things that are harder to treat.
Disappointment. Disillusionment. Depression.
Paul talked about his “thorn in the
flesh.”
Beginning in 2 Corinthians
12:7, “To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations,
there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it
away from me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on
me."
And whatever it was - it didn't go away. But even though a part of him was broken, perhaps
beyond repair… that reality didn't break his spirit. Our choice is to take the cards that are dealt us and
make a good hand - or fold. I don't think God made us his redeemed children just so we could quit.
3.
Several centuries ago, the lame walked… with a little help from Jesus.
Beginning in Matthew 15:29, Jesus
left there and went along the Sea of Galilee. Then he went up on a mountainside and sat down. Great crowds came to him, bringing
the lame, the blind, the crippled, the mute and many others, and laid them at his feet; and he healed them. The
people were amazed when they saw the mute speaking, the crippled made well, the lame walking and the blind seeing. And they
praised the God of Israel.
At
some time in the future, with a little help from Jesus, you and I won't be lame anymore, either. Whether that lameness
is a physical disability, or a lifelong emotional burden, or some other thorn that just won't let us alone. All
the imperfect parts of our life are going to be perfect, forever.
We have to do the simplest little thing
for that process to begin. We have to walk, as best we can, to our Savior - even if we're crippled,
burdened or overwhelmed. Especially
if we're crippled, burdened or overwhelmed.
I'm not trying to tell you those are necessarily
easy steps. But they sure are worth it. I can't imagine any other step, anywhere, that's more important.
Just remember, you're surrounded by loving friends who are here to help. I can attest to that first-hand.
And once you take that first step - right now - the others come naturally.
The Rest of John’s Story:
After presenting his lesson John returned to
the Emergency Room and said he was not leaving this time until he got some answers. He spent 6 hours there and this time came out
with a cast from his knee down to his foot. As of my last email from Judy, he still had not been seen an
orthopedic doctor. Judy did mention that John, a bachelor, says his refrigerator had previously been a
drink cooler for many years, but now has more food in it than ever before, thanks to ladies in the church.
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